Ass Licker

"Will you sign it to me from 'Ass Licker'?" asked a woman with an accent, as she handed me my book to autograph.

I must have given her a quizzical look, because she went on to explain:

"I'm Irish, and back home, we call people who suck up 'ass licks,' but when I say that here, everyone looks at me as if I'm crazy. It's one of my favorite expressions, and for you, well, it means something entirely different now, doesn't it?" Yes, it does.

Analingus, commonly called "rimming," is the oral caress of the new millennium. Once Sex and the City aired its "tuchislingus" episode, we could no longer deny what was on the minds of ordinary folks everywhere and, more importantly, what was in their mouths. Many people love the simple pleasure of having their ass licked or licking a partner's ass. If you've never given it a try, you are definitely missing out. Because the anal area is so full of nerve endings, even the tiniest sensations can register like juicy earthquakes on the rectal Richter scale. From two warm globes to the crown jewel, there are a million little folds and crevices to find back there. To lick or be licked? I say: Go both ways. (But then again, I say that about a lot of things.)

A tasty treat in and of itself, a rim job can also be a prelude to anal penetration. Many people put their mouths where the money is in order to introduce someone to the joys of backdoor pleasure. Once you've had the tongue, you might be apt to consider some more. I know plenty of girls going down on their men as a first step toward transforming them into bend-over boyfriends. And, men, if you'd start your quest for her ass with your mouth (instead of your cock), you'd probably get a lot farther.

Personally, I like a smooth-as-silk hole, whatever its gender may be, so I can feel each and every inch with my tongue. As I have previously revealed, I like to shave my own ass, sans mirror, and I am happy to take a blade to someone else's to maximize pleasure for both of us. I recently spoke to a reporter (who was supposed to be pumping me for naughty details) who confessed he "loves when a woman's pubic hair extends back and up the ass crack." Translation: He likes hairy bungholes. And I say, good for him! I know he's not alone in seeking out the perfect backdoor bush.

Fur-loving or not, some folks may feel especially anxious about rimming because of the association between the asshole and defecating; we learn at an early age that if something is dirty or smells bad, we shouldn't put our mouth on it. You are not alone if your fear of shit prevents you from exploring this taboo love, including being tongue-tied when it comes to your sweetie's ass. Porn star and anal queen Chloe says in my video The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, "Get over your fear of shit!" Honey, I second that emotion, but I realize it may be easier said than done for many folks.

Fear no more—Buttgirl is here to calm the masses and those reluctant yet potentially eager tongues of yours. First, a brief anatomy lesson about what lies beneath the boxers. You may imagine your tongue to be a foot-long warrior, but in reality, it cannot reach past the anal canal. It certainly can't get anywhere near the colon, which is the storage facility for what you're afraid of. If you are a generally healthy person with good bathroom habits, then your butthole is almost as clean as a garden-variety vagina, which many of us lick with desire and enthusiasm. Having an enema before your friend's tongue goes in there will also, well, clean things out.

To be completely safe, you can slap a barrier between tongue and tush. Originally designed for use by dentists, dental dams are squares of latex that safer-sex practitioners have co-opted for use as oral-sex barriers. Because they were not developed with sex in mind, dental dams can be too small and too thick to be ideal. Glyde dams are a larger, thinner version designed specifically for oral sex that do a much better job. Also keep in mind that the plastic wrap you probably already have in your kitchen is not just for leftovers; try covering someone's privates in Saran Wrap and go to town without having to hold the dam in place. Safe, hands-free ass licking at last!

My favorite trick is to take a non-powdered latex glove, cut the wrist off, and slice it up the pinky side. Then I stretch it out and put my tongue in the thumb hole—it's like a mini-condom for your other little soldier, affording you way more sensation than you get while lapping at a piece of plastic.

I know some of you are saying, If I can't have direct contact, I don't want any at all; and for those of you opposed to latex-covered lust, you need to assess the risks. If you are wandering the outer perimeter, and your partner has recently emptied her bowels and washed the area, then you can count yourself relatively safe. If, however, you are doing what I call "diving for pearls," then you have a greater chance of coming into contact with bacteria and trace amounts of fecal matter. As the licker, you can be exposed to STDs, including HIV, as well as hepatitis, which has become a serious health concern. On top of that, if the owner of the ass being licked has a gastrointestinal bug, you could pick that up as well. If you and your partner have both tested negative for disease, then just a hot soapy shower will ensure that your anal romp will be nothing but good clean fun!

When I kiss someone's ass, there is no mistaking my intentions: I am using my mouth to bring about a state of nirvana. And I am not alone in my tongue-in-cheek endeavors; I believe that butt munching is on the rise, and with good reason. See, it used to be that only gay boys were the analinguists (or at least they were the only ones admitting it), pushing and probing that little pucker with wild abandon. But why should fags have all the fun? As I've long believed, the asshole is the most democratic of all orifices—we all have one! So, why not put lips to rump with your fellow countrymen?

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