Borderline Personalities: Rightbloggers Vs. Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free
have been dashing over the U.S.-Mexico border in recent months, and rightbloggers blame them on Obama. (They also want them sent back to the hellholes they fled, but mainly they want to blame Obama, because that's pretty much what their lives are about anymore.)
As the Obama Administration has deported at least two million aliens, and on immigration matters is basically following a federal law signed by George W. Bush, that's pretty rich. But since Obama's a liberal and liberals are notorious bleeding hearts -- plus which he's not white, either! -- rightbloggers still accused the President of flooding the nation with dangerous brownskins for some nefarious purpose.
The rise in immigration of the less-than-formal variety from Central America became a hot topic when amateur border patrollers in Murrieta, California confronted busloads of detained immigrants, mostly women and their children, and forced them back to the luxurious federal centers where they were being kept.
That the immigrants were mothers and children did not soften the brethren's outraged reaction, because they are convinced the kids are reverse mules, here only to suck up sweet federal largesse ("FEDS DOLE OUT HEALTHCARE AND CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS FOR FOREIGN MINORS" howled Breitbart.com) and send it who knows where, thus weakening America for its eventual Aztlan takeover. Let's face it, once the huddled masses fail the paper bag test, that Statue of Liberty shit goes right out the window.
Prominent conservatives flocked to their traditional media outlets to exploit audiences' fear of dusky hordes; for example, in a twofer from hell, Judge Jeanine Pirro and Congressman Louie Gohmert co-ululated on Fox News. Rightblogger Nice Deb transcribed: "[Pirro] continued, 'so this week, P____ Obama refused to go to the border to see the crisis he created, Instead - he'd rather run off to the golf course, or play pool.'"
Nice Deb thus explained her bizarre rendering of Obama's title: "I don't use the word 'President' and the community organizer's name in the same sentence on this blog. In the past, I've transcribed the words, when someone else has uttered them, but I can no longer stomach that. Hence, the blank space.'" Well, we all do what we can for La Causa.
Obama sent Congress a proposal to handle the Latino mega-ingress, but it wasn't punitive enough for the Republicans, who bottled it up; some Congressional Texicans have since introduced an alternative that would kick the kids out faster. In fact, America has already begun throwing them out, but we expect this will still take a while; addressing the crisis isn't as important as keeping the base as inflamed in election season, and with this rightbloggers were happy to help.
Under the evocative headline "Border Meltdown: Obama Delivering 290,000 Illegals To U.S. Homes," The Daily Caller's Neil Munro reported that the migrants were "exploiting legal loopholes that allow them to get temporary permits to stay in the United States" and that "experts" -- all left unnamed -- "say that President Barack Obama's administration has failed to close the loopholes and is unlikely to deport more than a small percentage of the illegals" -- actions which, in another context, would probably be further proof he's a tyrant -- "despite the high unemployment rates among American Latino, African-American and white youths" -- thoughtful of Munro to get them all in there -- "and the strapped budgets of many cities and towns." What has Obama got against our cities and towns?
Munro also pitted the "frightened citizens" of Murrieta against "Obama's allies -- such as La Raza, an ethnic lobby for Latinos," and added: "Both New York Times articles [on the subject] described the border-crossing illegal aliens as 'immigrants.' In fact, 'immigrants' is the term for people who legally migrate into the United States." Good thing Daily Caller readers have an honest broker like Munro to fact-check the New York Times as well as the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
As he has written a book called Mexifornia and complains in his columns that Mexicans steal his chainsaws and copper wire ("I was told by neighbors that reports and descriptions of the law-breakers focused on youthful thieves casing the countryside... in the neighborhood politically-incorrect patois 'cholos'"), we knew the contribution of Victor Davis Hanson would be a dilly.
In his National Review column, at first Hanson used the immigrants' plight to tease the America-hating liberals who live in his head, pointing out that the immigrants did not run to their local "communist utopias or to socialist spin-offs" for socorro, but to the good ol' U.S.A., even though "they have often been taught back home [that America] is the source of their misery," probably by soreheads over-reacting to death squads, CIA coups, and stuff like that.
But soon Hanson got down to cases: Obama was flouting the law, because that's what all Obama ever does ("Who in the pen-and-phone era of Obama gets to decide which law to follow and which to ignore?"); also, if you think the people blocking the buses in Murrieta were bigots, what about racist, chainsaw-stealing Mexicans? "For that matter," thundered Hanson, "how does the racialist term 'La Raza' survive as an acceptable title of a national lobby group in this politically correct age of anger at the Washington Redskins football brand?" There's really no end to the persecution of white people in this country.
In closing, Hanson told us that liberals are rich and live in Manhattan or San Francisco, whereas real Americans are simple sons of the sod who need protection from immigrants who seek to steal their chainsaws.
Last week Obama went to Texas via Colorado to address the issue, but did not visit the Texas border itself, where many armed rightwing nutcases (including the state's governor, Rick Perry) have congregated. Sane people may think that, given the relevant precedent, sending a Democratic President to a politically explosive scene deep in the heart of Texas is a bad idea, but rightbloggers thought the President was copping out.
"One big reason he didn't make the trip," said former Congressman Tom DeLay "...is that he didn't want the American people to realize he fundamentally doesn't have any concern about what's going on," which a visit to the border would have totally proven.
Instead of spending money coddling these so-called children, said DeLay, Obama should be putting the National Guard "shoulder to shoulder on the 1,400 miles of border from Brownsville to California," and should "dispatch all the nation's immigration judges and lawyers down to the border, tell them to set up some tables and start processing these people immediately" -- which would also cost a shit-ton, but would hurt rather than help the Latinos, and therefore be more patriotic.
When Obama stopped in Denver to drink beer and play pool with the Governor of Colorado, the brethren went batshit: "Beer and pool - the modern version of Nero's fiddle," "WHILE THE WORLD BURNS, OBAMA FIDDLES, GOLFS, AND SHOOTS POOL," "WHO IS IN CHARGE OF PRESIDENT OBAMA'S p/r? PLAYING POOL WHILE OUT WEST? (and not going to the border! yikes!)" etc.
Obama then met with Perry in Dallas, and was shown in a photo laughing while Perry was either scowling or suppressing a laugh himself. This became the subject of several caption contests, but rightbloggers were too invested in the Brownskin Crisis to enjoy it.
"In the two photos, Gov. Perry and his team appear to be taking the moment seriously," reported Bryan Preston at the PJ Tatler. "President Obama is grinning and laughing." In case you didn't know why you were supposed to be outraged by this, Preston added, "Obama himself has described the situation on the border as a 'humanitarian crisis.'" He said something was sad, and then hours later he laughed -- just like that so-called parent from that so-called Sandy Hook shooting! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
"Obama Laughs at Humanitarian Border Crisis" cried The Conservative Hideout. "Obama Laughs His Way Through Meeting with Gov. Perry," sulked Gunny G. Some of them tried caption contests of their own, but these were rather sad ("Only the LAP-DOGS are laughing," "BHOzo the clown thinks he is the funniest," etc.). Others consoled themselves with photos of Perry trying to evince manliness -- as in a widely-circulated sunglasses-and-artillery shot of him and Sean Hannity at a border patrol outpost, preparing to shoot some Central American children.
"Rick Perry Has Filled the Leadership Gap That Barack Obama Left Behind to Play Pool and Drink Starbucks," headlined Ace of Spades; one of the most butchness-obsessed rightbloggers in history, Spades couldn't even acknowledge that Obama had drunk beer. Spades also claimed that Rick Perry is hot hot hot right now -- e.g., "he's definitely being noticed by a lot of people, including Jennifer Rubin" -- wow, Jennifer Rubin! -- and "based on lefties giving Perry's Smarty-Pants Nerd Glasses some begrudging credit (I saw one wag write 'I'm doing as much as I can' -- Rick Perry's Glasses), I'd say those have gone over as a hit as well." Now that's butch! Next week: the decisiveness of Perry's khakis. Check that in-seam!
Then Obama went to Austin, which was covered by the brethren exactly as you would expect ("Obama's YOLO presidency descends into parody"). The conspiracy-minded Tom Blumer at NewsBusters noticed that a Yahoo News headline read "President Obama Visits the Border" before being corrected to "President Obama Visits Austin," and ruminated darkly, "isn't odd how often those 'mistakes' so often end up giving President Obama and the left more credit than they deserve?" He added that "it appears likely that if center-right New Media hadn't called Yahoo out, the bogus headline would still be there." And then where would America be?
But Blumer worried that the damage had already been done: "How many low-information new consumers" -- Blumer's fanciful name for citizen who don't vote for his candidates -- "especially those who only look at headlines, will believe that Obama really did visit the border? Quite a few -- and excuse me for believing that Yahoo News is quite pleased with that result." That's odd -- we thought Google was the search engine company they loved to hate. Well, they'll always have Bing.
Obama gave a speech in Austin and, when interrupted by hecklers apparently mad at his high number of deportations, told them "I'm on your side, man" -- which enraged Victory Girls: "Yeah, Obama. We know exactly whose side you're on... It is now obvious to everyone that Obama plans to grant amnesty to illegals one way or another." Victory Girls didn't explain how they (or "everyone") knew this, but we suspect their readers aren't really looking for deep analysis anyway. Victory Girls also said "the president of the United States supports this border chaos through a 'nonenforcement' policy, which many are calling illegal," and if you guessed that they didn't identify this "many," you've caught on to how this game works.
"This man just told the American people that he stands against them, on the side of illegal immigrants, cartels, criminals and terrorists," sputtered Conservative Tribune, "all of the people that benefit from an open border and nonexistent immigration laws. This man must be removed from office before he completely destroys our country." Get in line, cowboy -- immigration is about the 22nd or 23rd cause de impeachment the brethren have floated in the past year alone. And we expect a few weeks from now, having shored up their support in Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico, they'll move on to something else -- let's see, what's left? Maybe something to do with the FDA -- Obama keeping Tea Party activists from their Laetrile or some shit. One of them's bound to work. Meantime, sorry, niños: ¡no se puede hacer tortillas sin romper huevos!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.