Chat-Based Cybersex

Dear Bonnie,

I've been dating this guy for about three or four months, and we only see each other on weekends, so we do a lot of chatting online. Lately he's been trying to get me to verbally titillate him and I'm falling short of the mark. I don't know what to say, or what is acceptable, or what he's looking for, or how to even begin. I don't want to ask — without the element of surprise, it's hardly very exciting, right? We have a great sex life in "real life," but I'm just afraid of being bad in the virtual bed [since] we see each other there more frequently right now. I've searched for websites that might offer something to get me started; are there any "glossaries of dirty talk"?

— Never Operated Online Before

Dear NOOB,

What a great question! I’m glad to hear you’ve been thinking things through — what’s okay, what’s not, what’s sexy, what’s not — and I’m happy to help. But I should warn you: I can only take you so far. After all, there’s no one right way to cyber.


Heroine Sheik
Bonnie Ruberg's blog about sex, tech, gender, and videogames

Still, there are a few things you should probably know before you jump right into chat-based cybersex. The bad news is that cybering can actually be more awkward with someone you know — like your real-life boyfriend, rather than with a total stranger. After all, you’ll never have to face that stranger again if things don’t go so well. The good news is that, in my opinion, cybersex is actually a whole lot less awkward than bedroom dirty talk. There’s no need to put on a sexy voice, or any of that potentially embarrassing stuff.

But let’s get you started with some examples. These three transcripts all come from a basic online chatroom. They range from the flirtatious to the hardcore.


PrettyPolly: i wish you were here though, i’m really lonely
Sean: yeah, what u doing
PrettyPolly: hanging out, thinking about you
Sean: what u wearin
Pretty Polly: pair of jeans, blue shirt
Sean: ?
PrettyPolly: black bra, black panties, lacy


Casey: so if i were there right now
Casey: what would we do?
Lola: no one else is here so when you came through the door i’d take off all your clothes
Casey: that’d be nice
Lola: then i’d lead you into the bedroom where there’d be lots of candles
Casey: you’d put me down on the bed?
Lola: i’d put you down on the bed then i’d do a strip tease in front of you
Casey: that’d be really nice
Casey: i’d get so turned on watching you
Lola: then when i was naked i crawl on top of you
Casey: that’s how i want it

A third:

Juliette: you like me in my dress?
Juliette: i'll do whatever you want, baby
Michael: roll over and stick you pussy up in the air for me
Juliette: ok, i'm down on my knees
Michael: i put my hands on your hips and slide back in
Juliette: oh yeah, i'm so sore, but it feels so good
Michael: i reach around and rub your clit
Juliette: mmm, it's so wet and swollen and hot
Michael: i pull you back against me hard
Michael: fucking you harder and deeper
Michael: your ass slapping against my hips

Okay, let’s stop there. These chats are all pretty different, but the basic elements are here. We’ve got some flirting, based around that age-old question, “What are you wearing?” Next we’ve got a sexy “What if” scenario. Last we’ve got straight up, hip-pumping cybersex.

You’ll want to take things slow at first, but you can see how, even when things get intense, the two cyber-ers are still just basically describing sex. This all gets a bit complicated by the fact that they’re “acting out” the sex with their words. For example, Michael doesn’t say, “I’d like to rub your clit”; instead, he comes right out and says, “I rub your clit.” Also, Juliette throws in an “mmm,” as if she could really feel him rubbing her.

Another thing to notice in that last chat is the language the cyber-ers are using. It’s straightforward: you're not writing erotica, so you can ditch words like titillate, unless you’re putting the TIT in all caps. Scrap "throbbing member" and stick with "cock." Forget "heaving bosom" and settle for "breasts." You wouldn't say "luscious labia" in bed; just call it "pussy." And don’t worry about sounding silly. You won’t. You’ll sound into it.

Really, the best advice I can give is to try it for yourself. There’s no glossary of sexy terms, but there’s also no glossary of faux-pas. Dive right in. Use your imagination. Chances are, your boyfriend is no expert either. Above all, remember to be true to your fantasies, not just your boyfriend’s. This should be fun for both of you!

Last week: What Counts as Cybersex?

Click Me runs weekly. Contact Bonnie Ruberg at bonnie[at]heroine-sheik[dot]com.

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