Chelsea Clinton's Wedding Is Officially Way Out of Hand

Chelsea's getting married!
Chelsea's getting married!

Everyone, calm down. Deep breaths. You don't want to pass out! Did you eat anything today?

OK, remember Chelsea, the little awkward daughter of a certain sex-scandal-ridden president, frizzy of hair, be-braced, unfortunately in the public eye at the moment that no prepubescent-going-on-pubescent girl really needs to be, particularly when Dad is found to have a predilection for beret-wearers? (Chelsea, saying all of this with massive amounts of love because we were there, right with you. Only our Dad wasn't the POTUS.)

After Clinton left office and Chelsea got the braces off and grew up to be quite lovely, all things considering, we generally left her alone, except for occasional reports on how she'd gotten a job at McKinsey (smart!) or was going to Oxford (smart!) or was dating so-and-so handsome man (pretty!). So why the insane brouhaha over her wedding (OMG!) to Marc Mezvinsky? Can't we leave the poor girl alone?

Apparently, we cannot. For reasons that this blogger cannot entirely understand, people are obsessed with this wedding! Which happens tomorrow, FYI. Get thee to Rhinebeck, quick, to stake out a tent among the roving Us Weekly and People reporters. Anyway, because people are obsessed, it seems it's our duty to also be obsessed. Here, in so much as we can figure out, is why:

• People in Rhinebeck, the quaint upstate locale where the wedding is happening, are acting insane and have taken to donning Clinton masks as they walk through town.

• There is an actual, for-real media debate about whether this is the "the wedding of the decade," "the wedding of the millenium," "the wedding of the year," or the "wedding of the moment." (The latter?)

• Her playlist includes Abba! (Also, Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder. Have you people releasing this info ever been to a wedding before?)

• The morning shows all care deeply about this event, as do the tabloids. The Early Show will be broadcasting live from Rhinebeck on Saturday. GMA and Today were there all week! Watch for a host of silenced shopkeepers in Clinton masks trying to avoid talking about the Clinton wedding. (Is this reminding anybody of Anonymous? Or Point Break?)

• Three words: No-fly zone.

Okay, but listen: This is an intelligent, well-adjusted (in so far as we know), sophisticated, interesting woman, having an event. Not to rail too hard on the wedding industry, many of whom we consider to be glorified leeches, but how about we focus on something other than what dress she's going to wear (Vera Wang! Or...Oscar de la Renta?), or how much she's going to have spent ($2 to $5 million!), on one day of her life? How's that masters at Columbia going? Wait, let me see your ring!!! It's soooooo gorgeous!

P.S., Clintons: If you'd only issued an informative press release and invited journalists, none of this would have happened. Maybe.

If this screed did not convince you to lay off one iota, Gawker has a slideshow of Astor Court, "the palatial mansion serving the venue," photos of which seem to beg the question: Why have $15,000 Porta-Potties at all? Shouldn't a mansion have bathrooms?

And New York Mag's Daily Intel has a super-handy FAQ of the important questions: (FYI: Oprah wasn't invited and Doris Kearns Goodwin didn't think she was invited!)

Have at 'em.

[JDoll][Twitter]

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