CICADA BROOD EMERGING TO DELIVER HELL UPON NEW YORK CITY
We apologize if the above headline is alarming, but we can assure you this spring's invasion of 17-year cicadas will be the most terrifying ordeal you will ever live through (if you make it out alive, of course). Don't believe us? USA Today ran an absolutely terrifying report about the imminent emergence (that's right, these guys live underground for years), slated for spring. Experts tell USA Today that the bugs are harmless and their appearance is a normal occurrence. Too bad we're not buying that for a second. Instead, we've highlighted the absolute scariest excerpts from the piece and accompanied them with the most gruesome cicada videos on the net.
Brace yourself: It will get loud.
"The greater New York metro area is going to rock with cicadas," according to [University of Maryland entomologist Michael] Raupp.
Let those words sink in. Rock. With. Cicadas. These cicadas don't care if you are in Westchester, Queens, or Staten Island. If you are in the greater New York metro area, they are going to rock you like Queen at Wembley Stadium.
The emergence could include parts or all of the New York metropolitan area, whose nearly 20 million inhabitants might have to contend with swarms of cicadas, which can number as many as 1 billion bugs per square mile.
See that wall of cicadas? Multiply that by every wall in New York. If a cicada swarm can reach 1 billion bugs per square mile, and Manhattan is 33.77 square miles, then that means we will have to contend with...
A SHIT LOAD OF CICADAS.
This year's group is known as "Brood II." The previous big cicada emergence in the East was 2004's "Brood X." (Like Super Bowls, entomologists like using Roman numerals to label the different broods.) Brood X will emerge again in 2021.
Brood II, doesn't that just sound terrifying? The above video shows the emergence of Brood XIX. Guess where they learned their in-your-face cicada style? That's right, they learned it from Brood II. (Probably.)
Cicadas are harmless bugs, though males can make a loud buzz when they're alarmed, and they're big enough to startle humans in return.
That's not a warning, that's a direct threat from USA Today, which has by now become--like most of the lamestream media--a cicada mouthpiece. And who can blame them? Soon, you too will be doing the bidding of these winged hellspawn.
Male cicadas emit a deafening chorus, which can reach 90 decibels -- as loud as a lawnmower.
These bugs are like lawnmowers, and New York's ass is grass. Scared yet? You should be.
Waiting in the wings this spring: Cicadas! [USA TODAY]
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