Crazy Yankee Chick: Finally! Some Trash-Talking I Can Sink My Teeth Into...
And while I'm well-versed in spitting vitriol at New England, I'm less inclined to do the same for a midwest city that's never really done wrong by me, or a west coast one that manages to only incite lukewarm animosity despite their historical penchant for destroying the Yankees.
But now, NOW, the Yanks got Philly on their plates.
Dear Diary, Jackpot. Love, CYC
The Top 9 Reasons Philly is Ridiculous and Pathetic...
1. Jimmy Rollins .
Jimmy Rollins thinks he is a rapper. I know I should find this type of thing hilarious at best/eyeroll-inducing at worst, but this whole practice drives me batty. Who was the insidious mastermind behind this rumor, that fame entitles the bearer to music-career-carte blanche? Is it like a prerequisite?
Like how doctors have to acquire CME credits every so often? Do famous people have to log in some recording session hours in order to renew their celebrityhood every year?
7. What the hell is a Phanatic?
You may think you own the Mets, but your mascot's got nothing on theirs. And I use the Mets as an example, because the Yankees just literally got nothing.
(And it bears mentioning that TIM McCARVER calls this cracked out muppet "the best mascot in baseball." Tim McCarver. Good luck with that. That's like showing up to your first day of your freshman year of high school wearing the same outfit as the principal.)
8. The day before Game 1 of the World Series, the cover story of the Philadelphia Daily News paper gives us hard-hitting analysis and insightful perspectives on who the best looking Philly is.
(So don't act all put off, Philly fans, when NY goes this route.)
9. THEY'RE ACTUALLY THROWING OUT THE WORD "DYNASTY." I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
You won last year. Excellent work. But have you lost your f*&*&ing minds?? Even if they did win this year, it takes a little more than 2 years to warrant the "dynasty" term, PARTICULARLY if you're the PHILLIES. They Phillies may need about a 6-year streak to counteract their prior history, which, for the record, boasts such auspicious stats as:
- The unequivocal worst, most abysmal history of any baseball team.
- In 126 years, they have 2 championships
- More losses than any other team
- Nine seasons of playing under .300
- 14 seasons of 100 losses or more
The only good things to come out of that city are "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," cheesesteaks, and Rock-Paper-Scissor tournaments. Oh, and my college roommate.
The series starts in New York, which housed a legitimate dynasty and where we think spelling every F-word with a "Ph" is a little beneath us.
Screaming F-words, on the other hand, is not.
Welcome to the Bronx, Phils.
Read 2009 Baseball Throwdown coverage for the New York Yankees.
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