What is he doing right now? My crush. Mmmmm, my crush. Clever, tall, humorous . . . together. Aloof.
I have secret pet names for him that he hasnt heard yet. The latest are abstract derivatives of the earliest, most obvious ones and have to be traced intricately backward to have any context whatsoever in reality. Im the only one who can trace them back!
Ha! I wonder if hes Googled me yet, as I Google him every day at sunrise, and noon, and sunset (and at various points before and after those timesjust to see if anything has been updated). That's how I found an image of him online! I tiled it as my desktop and saved it as my screensaver. Who's aloof now?
Up in my loft bed, I can't sleep nights thinking about how it'll feel when his hands are all over me, lips touching mine, and eyes meeting my eyes in dim light. What kind of sex is the man into? Does he tease in bed as much as in the preamble? Is he "rough"? Does he "talk"? Is he "really into blowjobs?
It gives me insomnia. So I call him for the first time at two this morning. Go white pages!
Him: [sleepy] Hello?
Me: [sexy] God, I want you soooo bad right now . . .
Him: Mmmmm. That's kinda hot . . . aaand . . . its kind of psycho.
Me: [shriek] BINGO!
Then I hang up on him and start masturbating with a knife.
Just kidding, I would never do that. Instead of calling, I install a dimmer in my room, surf porn, start working out, get a bikini wax, give my number to 18 dudes at a club, smoke a carton of cigarettes, make sock puppet versions of each of us and have them fuck all over my room.
It takes work to repress your attractions into indirect manifestations, but it should be well worth the wait! Keep your fingers crossed, friends. I have a good feeling about this one!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.
- Here Are the Locations From 'Kids,' Twenty Years Later
Sat., Aug. 1, 12:00am
Sat., Aug. 1, 1:00pm
Sat., Aug. 1, 2:00pm
Sat., Aug. 1, 7:00pm
- What Can We Learn From Donald Trump's Twitter Account?
- East Village Rapist Sentenced to 16 Years After DNA Databank Returns a Cold Hit