Cybersex for Couples

Dear Bonnie,

I read your column a couple weeks ago, "Is Cybersex Cheating?" My girlfriend and me have pretty much come to the same conclusion: it is up to the other person to decide. I used to have sex online a lot but my girlfriend says she does think it’s cheating, so I stopped because I didn’t want to do it behind her back. I thought it was a lot of fun back then though and I wish I could still do it. Is there any way I can change her mind?

—Earnestly Awaiting Guiltless E-Romps


Heroine Sheik
Bonnie Ruberg's blog about sex, tech, gender, and videogames


I appreciate your appetite for cybersex, really I do, but let’s be honest. If your girlfriend has already clearly expressed her distaste for your potentially adulterous online adventures, she’s not likely to change her mind any time soon. Forcibly getting her to agree with you that cybering with other people while you’re dating? I don’t see that conversation going well for you.

That doesn’t mean, however, there’s any reason you should give up on cybersex itself. I’m not sure what it is exactly about cybering that you enjoy, or what your girlfriend objects to, but you should definitely consider cybersex for couples. Sounds like the name of a self-help book, I know. But cybersex for couples means you’d be doing it together. After all, can it be cheating if you’re both involved? Of course, it’s always best to run that question past your actual, flesh-and-blood significant other before making the call.

Anyway, if you can get her interested, there are two ways that cybersex for couples works. Option one: you can cyber with each other. That means you both sign onto a chatroom, virtual world, cam site, etc. using two separate computers and two separate log-in names. HornyBF23. Luvs2Cyber. Whatever. Then you find one another and go at it, internet style.

This methods has its advantages, and its disadvantages. On the one hand, it feels safe. No one else can get in on the action except you and your girlfriend (which might make her feel better about the whole sex-with-strangers thing). On the other hand, as I mentioned in an earlier column, cybersex with someone you know can get awkward. It can also feel pretty silly if you and your girlfriend are already sitting in the same room. Why not just go at it?

Plus—and this is us being honest again—where’s the thrill is cybering with someone you already know? Heck, someone you’re already sleeping with! That’s where option two comes in: cybering as a couple, but with someone else. In this case, all you do is sign on to your cybersex location of choice as one person. Male or female, you can choose. Then you both make the decisions for your avatar. Should she slowly unzip his pants and slide her hand into his boxers yet? No, honey, first she should take off her shirt and seductively trail her fingernails across her breasts. See? It’s like teamwork, only sexy.

Afterwards, not only have you shared a tantalizing cybersex experience, you’re both left worked up and ready for the real thing.

Cybersex as cheating? Forget that. This is cybersex as foreplay.

Last week: Is Cybersex Cheating?

Click Me runs weekly. Contact cybersex columnist Bonnie Ruberg at bonnie[at]heroine-sheik[dot]com.

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