Eighth Annual Sexy Gift Guide

Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug
Photo courtesy of njoytoys.com

Whether you're deciding what to give your loved ones this holiday season or making a wish list for yourself, I've combed catalogs and the Web, and tested dozens of products, to bring you this year's sexy gift guide.

Porn-loving lesbians are in luck: Adult movies by, for, and featuring real dykes are enjoying a resurgence, so you can stuff the stockings of the queer women in your life with lots of DVDs this year. The Feminist Porn Award–winning In Search of the Wild Kingdom ($34.95, blowfish.com), is a mock-umentary about San Francisco queers. Early to Bed's Special Delivery ($29.95, early2bed.com) and Comstock Films' Ashley & Kisha ($27.95, comstockfilms.com) both star real-life couples; Belladonna's Evil Pink 2 features super-hot girl/girl sex ($37.95, smittenkittenonline.com). Speaking of Belladonna, I found the perfect gifts for her:a "Sister Fister" T-shirt ($19.99, cafepress.com/zombiedonkey) and the Nob Essence "Fling," a wooden G-spot dildo ($140, goodvibes.com) that's part sculpture, part impaler.

For the intellectual perverts and perverted intellectuals on your list, give them some smutty reading/gazing material, like Stacked Decks: The Art and History of Erotic Playing Cards ($24.95, blowfish.com); The Best of Best American Erotica, edited by Susie Bright ($14); Michael Grecco's Naked Ambition; or L.A. Bondage, by photographer Dave Naz ($39.95). Ogling Naz's fabulous pics of women bound inspires another gift for bondage fans: a pair of Aslan Padded Suspension Cuffs ($120, smittenkittenonline.com). My favorite new leather toy is the Five Finger Palm Harness ($57, smittenkittenonline.com), a dildo harness for your hand. Strap your favorite dildo—perhaps Vixen's Mustang ($105, babeland.com) or the Jollies Original ($89.99, smittenkittenonline.com)—to the palm of your hand and free up your fingers for other exciting stimulation.

Speaking of stimulation, 2007 truly was the year of the vibrator. More unique, innovative vibrators were released this year than ever before, and any one (or more!) of them would make a great gift. The stunningly designed, surprisingly quiet Nea ($85.95, blowfish.com) is truly a work of art, and perfect for partner sex. Lelo, a Swedish company, also makes Liv, a vibrator that can be used internally or externally, and is also beautifully made ($109, lelo.com). The Delight ($129, babeland.com) is shaped like an asymmetrical S, features 32 different vibration options, and comes in its own slick case for storage. If you like the Cone (which I featured in last year's gift guide, $130, babeland.com)—or even if you thought it was a little strange—you'll love the sleeker, sexier Tuyo ($75, babeland.com), a black orb of silicone and stainless steel with multiple settings. If you really want to impress her with the "it" vibe of the moment, though, then it's gotta be the gorgeous, water-resistant, rechargeable Form 6 Vibrator ($175, jimmyjane.com). Toss in some Good Clean Love Lubricant in Almost Naked ($18, early2bed.com) and a copy of Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation by Jamye Waxman ($15.95), and all the girls in your life will be good to go!

Another gift for getting off is more porn: It keeps on giving! My recommendations are: Afrodite Superstar ($29.95, goodvibes.com), the debut title for Candida Royalle's new line of erotica for couples of color; Dave Navarro: Broken, the rock star's directorial porn debut from Tera Patrick's production company ($24.95, gamelink.com); Not the Bradys XXX ($25.95, adultdvdempire.com), the sex comedy of the year; Pipe Dreams ($35.99, shopvivid.com), superstar Janine's final movie (barring a comeback, of course); and Babysitters ($25.95, adultdvdempire.com), the Digital Playground flick that takes the company's sexy contract stars and manages to breathe new life into an old concept. Also consider two great gifts for guys that transcend sexual orientation: the fantastic prostate-stimulation toy Nexus Glide ($55, babeland.com), and a T-shirt that announces, "I May Not Be Mr. Right But I'll Fuck You Until He Shows Up" ($16, sikworld.com).

If you know someone who loved Corruption, Eli Cross's award-winning epic from last year, then pick up a copy of his latest big-budget fuckfest, Upload ($39-95, sexzpictures.com), a smartly written thriller about a digital security agent addicted to the super-hardcore sex SIMs she's supposed to police and the hacker-girl-cum-"SIMwhore" she's tracking. Sci-fi fans and tech geeks will love it, and for 10 bucks more you can get the "XXXX" director's cut, which is sure to have fisting if I know Cross. Fans will also dig the OhMiBod Vibe ($79, erosboutique.com), the vibrator that connects to an iPod (and other music devices) to sync up with the beat and rhythm of the music.

I'd be remiss if I didn't give you some hints for the ass-lovers in your life, so here goes (these are all on my wish list, so take note!): red women's panties emblazoned with the words "BAD ASS" on the butt ($15, etsy.com); a black V-neck T-shirt that says "Anal Sex Is My Anti-Drug" ($23.99, cafepress.com/analsexantidrug); a Big Fish stainless-steel extra-large butt-plug ($119.95, blowfish.com); and the Incredible Edible Anus ($25, edibleanus.com), a box of chocolate confections that strongly resemble buttholes, combining two of my favorite things in the whole world: chocolate and ass!

Want to give the liberals in your life the gift of hope? Try the "Lovely Mistresses of George W. Bush" Calendar ($16.95, thingstolookat.com/calendar), which features cheeky, stylized, modern pin-up shots by Burke Heffner; the calendar ends on January 20, 2009, the final day of Bush's presidency. Speaking of calendars, although it's much more sweet than sexy, there are naked bodies (albeit with the naughty bits covered) in the "Bad Rap Exposed" Calendar ($20, badrap.org) from Bay Area Dog Lovers Responsible About Pit Bulls, and all proceeds benefit this important organization. I wasn't sure how I was going to work a dog calendar into a column on sex gifts—but sometimes a naked person with a dog leash doesn't have to be naughty, you know?

Please visit puckerup.com.

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