From the Crap Archives: Unseen Kingdoms
Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. He does this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Author: Bill Cox
Publisher: Inner Light Publications, New Brunswick, NJ
Discovered at: Antique mall
The Cover Promises: A volcano? A flaming pyre? An explanation inside clarifies: "A Fire Spirit photographed at the precise instant of manifestation."
Representative Quotes: "The first time in my life that I saw an elemental force occurred in 1981, during a Frank Sinatra concert at the Albert Hall in London, England (page 9)." "Tomas could also sharpen dull cutlery with intense mind focus (page 31)."
There's so much to bewilder in Unseen Kingdoms that I'm afraid we'll just have to gloss right over the ad on the back cover claiming that Vivenus, a woman from Venus, has come to Earth, met God, and discovered how to build homes with her mind. (You can send in for a free Venusian Love Amulet"!)
Instead, we must move immediately to this, the most exciting image your Crap Archivist has yet archived: proof that sprites live in our water.
Unconvinced? Here's a better view.
New Jersey Devils vs. Los Angeles Kings
TicketsTue., Jan. 24, 7:00pm
Brooklyn Nets vs. Miami Heat
TicketsWed., Jan. 25, 7:30pm
New York Rangers vs. Philadelphia Flyers
TicketsWed., Jan. 25, 8:00pm
Seton Hall Pirates Men's Basketball vs. Butler Bulldogs Men's Basketball
TicketsWed., Jan. 25, 8:30pm
You see, tiny elemental "devas" make up the world around us. (Whether they all wear Old Navy cargo shorts is unclear.) Cox claims sprites frolic in our water, sound waves, and flowers. It takes trillions of elementals to create a single blade of grass. "Uncountable elementals make up a single fruit blossom, or whatever," Cox writes. "It boggles the mind when one contemplates the numerical activity of elemental forces comprising a small lawn."
Photos are rare, but humans with minds focused enough to communicate with devas have been able to see them.
Whoo! One-legged cannonballs!
Cox claims that "mind energy" can reveal devas, bend spoons, heal the sick, dowse water, bend time, create UFOs, and more:
If you are interested in working with the forces of mind energy, go outside on a cloudy day. Concentrate on changing the shape of a specific cloud. These tufts are so vaporous and easily dissolved with unblinking, focused eyes.
These elementals are there when you cut your finger. It doesn't mater if you are in the U.S. or in Arabia. They are instantly drawn to the wound because of the ecstasy they experience when fusing the substance of their own bodies into the damaged tissue to bring about the healing.
Mushroom fairy rings began to appear in my yard. It happened after I started doing nature photography, trying to communicate with life's unseen forces. This activity later led me to stop swatting flies and killing ants.
If you really focus, you might see this:
Also, after two years of study, Cox has determined how he once made the 45 minute car trip from Laguna Beach to Mira Loma, California, in just twenty minutes: "My body and transporting vehicle must have been momentarily propelled out of earth's ordinary succession of moments and into the timeless sphere of another dimension."
No word on why someone capable of bending space and time can't squeeze in some art classes.
Shocking Detail: The devas pimped your dog with underglow!
Note that the caption is cut off in the original. My guess is it is intended to read, "the beginning of ectoplasm in a . . . oh, God, I can't make this shit up anymore."
Highlight: Just as your mushroom circles are made up of sprites, Unseen Kingdoms is made up entirely of highlights. Perhaps best of all is the build-your-own pyramid activity Cox prints inside the back cover. Cutting it out will allow you to "conduct your own experiments in the area of pyramid energy."
Miniature pyramids can:
• Improve TV reception.
• Improve the taste of food and "inexpensive wine."
• Keep egg yolks from spoiling.
• Make it possible to grow tomatoes and oranges "even in the dead of winter."
• "Tests have shown that it's easy to reconstitute stale orange juice."
• "For nine years the author of this Book, Bill Cox, has been driving a car with a small pyramid mounted on the dashboard and not only does he get extra miles to the gallon, but has never had any problems with the motor, nor does he have to change oil often."
Cox also includes this, straight from the Trapper Keeper of my soul:
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in New York, delivered to your inbox.