Giving Good Gift
The old adage "It's better to give than receive" could very well have been coined by a guy who wanted a blowjob but had no interest in returning the favor. But whether I pitch or catch between the sheets, I absolutely love to give good gift, and want to share my passion with all of you. I hope you'll find something for both givers and getters in my third annual sexy holiday gift guide.
If a Mrs. Santa Vibrator ($5.95, www.nawtythings.com) just won't cut it for the special people in your life, why not go for red-and-green latex skirt-and-vest setsthese rubber numbers shine brighter than a menorah under a disco ball, and they are what all the well-dressed elves are wearing this season ($250, www.baroness.com). Or give the gift of getting off with some of the hottest porn: Urban Friction: A Modern Romance from Libido Films, which is full of fantasy sex play and hot chemistry between actors ($29.95 www.libidomag.com); Dangerous Games, starring the always scorching Chloe ($39.95, various Web sites); and Older Women Hotter Sex, with an unbelievable cast of pros including Ginger Lynn, Marilyn Chambers, Nina Hartley, and Sean Michaels ($39.95, various Web sites).
Speaking of whacking off, vibrators are getting more clever every day. Give all the poets on your gift list the discreet and beautiful Vibra Pen, which actually writes and vibrates! Perfect for that boring office holiday party ($22, www.babeland.com). While I love the convenience of the oh-so-portable Pocket Rocket, I often toss it in my purse in a hurry only to find it covered in cookie crumbs or sand when I whip it out in an emergency. Early 2 Bed has come up with a clever solution called the Pocket Pack: the very same Pocket Rocket with a handmade felt case to keep it clean and safe ($30, www.early2bed.com). There's also the Vibro Key Chain, a cute competent vibe on a key chain, so you'll never leave home with-out it again ($15, www.early2bed.com). One woman who wouldn't leave the house without her Hitachi Magic Wand ($50, www.babeland.com) is the mother of masturbation, Betty Dodson. Her latest book, Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partner Sex ($20), is a must-have in everyone's bedside library.
Sweeten up those pouters with Pussy Pucker Potsall natural lip balm in flavors like Clitoris Citrus and Shaved Peach ($2.95, www.pussypuckerpots.com)and get ready for presents sure to please. The Santa Goes South Kit's got flavored condoms, a bottle of Midnight Fire (it warms when you blow on it!), and his-and-hers oral sex tips from the how-to video Nina Hartley's Advanced Guide to Oral Sex ($29.99, www.libida.com). Throw in a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio or The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus (each $34.95), and you're ready to rumble down under. And while you're there, why not kick those oral skills up a notch with the patented Tiggler, a vibrating tongue barbell made of surgical stainless steel that runs on two watch batteries ($47.99, www.tiggler.com). Then announce your oral fetish with an "I Eat Vegetarians" T-shirt for him ($16, www.sikworld.com), an "It Ain't Gonna Lick Itself" thong ($8, www.sikworld.com), and a pair of "Kosher" panties ($10.40, www.wackyjac.com) for her, or "Worship Here" undies, boxers, and briefs ($13, www.wackyjac.com) for everyone.
Do you know a girl who loves her ass as much as I love mine? Well, adorn that booty with Rosebuds erotic jewelry, bejeweled metal plugs that make your butt happy and pretty (prices vary, www.rosebuds.net). Send her to learn how to shake her moneymaker with belly dancing lessons ($80 for five classes, www.enchantressofbioluminosity.com). Or give her what I asked Santa for this year: Return to Mars, a clear acrylic dildo with a 180-degree bend perfect for filling both holes at once ($88, www.innerspace1.com). But say the two holes you want to fill belong to you and your girlfriend. Then you want the revolutionary new silicone double-dildo called Feeldoe. Designed to be held in place by your PC muscles, it allows you to rock to your heart's delight ($75, www.stockroom.com).
Are you ready to make your guy into an ass man? Then invest in the sequel to the bestselling video that started a national craze, Bend Over Boyfriend II ($34.95, www.sirvideo.com). Then put all your knowledge to good use with the Strap-On Seduction Kit: a basic black nylon two-strap harness, a vibrating jelly rubber dildo, some condoms, and lube ($70, www.babeland.com). Just so he knows exactly who's in charge, why not remind him with one of my favorite toys: the Dick Leash, a handy chain leash with a leather handle and an adjustable cock ring that's great for runaway boys ($24, www.purplepassion.com)?
Is there someone on your gift list who's especially proud of his prick? Treat him to something that will help immortalize his private parts: Clone Your Bone ($34 to $38, cloneyourbone.com), a do-it-yourself kit with everything you need to make a life-size wax replica of your schlong. And don't worry, girls, there's one for you called Match Your Snatch ($23, www.matchyoursnatch.com). Optional candle wick included in each kit, just in case the menorah needs a little extra something. If she's really all that, splurge on her very own custom Vulva Puppet, a handmade stuffed pussy in your choice of fabrics and designs ($300 and up, www.houseochicks.com). Speaking of sacred sex objects, if you're ready to drop some real cash, indulge that special someone in the limited-edition Annie Sprinkle Love Handle created by the former porn star herself with help from an actual Taoist monk ($200, www.anniesprinkle.org). Handcrafted in Thailand of black marble, this sleek curved dildo is one for cunts and coffee tables alike. The best accompaniment I can think of for this special toy is the Tantric Starter Kit ($52, www.goodvibes.com), which includes the Tantric Guide to Better Sex video, Tantric Sexuality: A Beginner's Guide, and some Kama Sutra massage oil.
Kinksters are especially tricky to buy for, especially if you can't afford the luxury fetish vacation in Jamaica called Playtime in Paradise ($860 to $1743, www.playtimeinparadise.com). I say get them all the amazing photography book by world-renowned body-modification artist Fakir Musafar, Spirit + Flesh ($50). If you feel like modifying some flesh of your own, get a custom monogrammed steak brand to sear your initials into your favorite sex slave ($34.95, www.williams-sonoma.com). But before you use it, invest in an intensive workshop on branding and ritual scarification with Fakir himself ($600, www.bodyplay.com). After all, Santa can bring you all the toys in the world, but it's up to you to learn how to use them properly!
Visit my Web site at www.puckerup.com">www.puckerup.com.
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