Go Pee

Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway slink onstage to big up a costume designer, enlisting Meryl Streep in some weak Devil shtick. O god, these human mannequins are even worse than the conceptual silhouette acrobats. The winner? Marie Antoinette, duh.

Tom Cruise once more attempts to prove his humanity by presenting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to uber-producer/studio head Sherry Lansing. Everyone rises to their feet; audiences across the globe go on bathroom breaks.

Ellen works the room again, passing up the chance to accidentally brush against Beyonce’s breast in order to chat up Clint. Hilariously, I must admit, she leans over to ask Steven Spielberg to take their photo – twice, when she doesn’t like the framing of the first snap.

Gwneyth Paltrow emerges in a fabulous flesh-toned pleated number and inexplicably drops a YouTube reference - edgy! - into her warm up to the Best Cinematography award. Pan's Labyrinth. Close the borders now before they take all our jobs away!

The acrobats return and make a little bus, not yellow, for Best Picture embarrassment Little Miss Sunshine.


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