Gossip Folks: Michael Lohan's Engagement Begs Universe to Please Aim Your Black Holes Thusly

Michael Lohan's engaged, the guy who stalked David Letterman found love, the freaky Catholics from The DaVinci Code make me want to forget about their crazy Jesus anal beads and rock out some Bill Withers. Also, kilts. Hey, look, gossip! From a gossip blogger! Presenting your Wednesday Gossip Folks:

  • Five-Time Tri-State Area Parent of the Decade Michael Lohan is now engaged to former Star celebrity reporter Kate Major, who once resigned her post at Star to date Jon Gosselin, who is now suing for custody of his eight children because his ex-wife is making an ass of herself on Dancing With the Stars, or something, despite nobody ever suing Jon Gosselin for wearing all those Ed Hardy shirts, which they should have. The point is, all of these people are awful, and if the Large Hadron Collider ever actually produces a black hole that begins to swallow up certain parts of the universe, at least we now more or less have a pretty good idea of where to aim it. Also, mazel tov. I give 'em seven months. [Page Six]
  • Mike Meyers, Joan Jett, and a bunch of other celebrities that make you think about the awesome things they used to do showed up at M2 and dressed in kilts for some kind of charity thing. Sean Connery was there, too, but I'm not sure why. [Gatecrasher]
  • Cindy Adams talked to Benjamin Bratt about everything but what it used to be like to have sex with Julia Roberts. Pass. [New York Post]
  • Opus Dei - not to be confused with Opus One, which made an incredible 1999 - is that mysterious Catholic organization from The DaVinci Code that forgoes diddling little boys for being baldie albino weirdos and beating themselves with anal Jesus beads. Or so the movie goes. Honestly, I didn't see the movie, or read the book, because I was too busy doing something that doesn't mainline braincells from my face. Whoever the fuck these guys are, they bought a $7.45M townhouse at 31 E. 38th Street, and they're apparently using it as a "as a residence for women where they would be offered philosophical, theological and spiritual guidance." Do you hear that ringing? It's Hollywood calling. Sister Act 3: Lovely Dei, your time has come. [P6]
  • If the guy who blackmailed David Letterman can find love via online dating, you really have no excuse. At all. [P6]
  • Jesus, could they have used a meaner picture for this Page Six item on one of the Jersey Shore kids idealizing himself as Leo DiCaprio? I feel like a fat kid on a diving board just looking at it. Oy. Trauma. [P6]
  • Gramercy Park Hotel guru Ian Schrager is having a baby. It's not a hotel. Also, Rose Bar guru Nur Kahn will not stand guard at his wife's birth canal ensuring only New York's Coolest get in. Awful, I know. [Page Six]

Side note: for fuck's sake, Daily News and Gatecrasher. You guys are getting murked out there. Gossip Folks is going to be running the best of New York-centric gossip, and we're going to try to not rehash national items, because that shit's even more ridiculous than what you're going to read here. So, New York Gossips, please step up your game, otherwise we're just going to have to drive traffic to Page Six, which like, really? They don't even wear pants there. ANYWAY. If you have any tips or New York-based gossip, I'm a New York Times-certified Gossip Blogger, which means I wash my hands before reacharounds. Holla.


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