Gossip Folks: The Oprah-Rielle-Blowjobs-DMB Connection

Consider this column still "in beta" or whatever, but we're gonna start rounding up some of our local gossip for you. We don't have a better title for it right now, and if you have one, we'd love to hear your ideas. In the meantime, we've got Oprah's big "get," Cindy Adams and Her War at Home, a Shia LaBeouf "shocker," and an assessment of the Jersey Shore kids' tenure in Miami. Presenting your Tuesday Gossip Folks:

  • Oprah Winfrey scored the first interview with John Edwards' baby mama Rielle Hunter. Things They Won't Talk About But Probably Should: John Edwards's Penis, former boyfriend Jay McInerney's inferiority complex with Bret Easton Ellis, whether or not Jay McInerney's nickname is actually "The Jayster," if she's going to explain to her daughter what a Jay McInerney is, how she feels about almost being the linchpin that took the Democratic party out from under its feet which could have led to the election of John McCain and Sarah Palin, thus inciting a terrible new grade of descent in Western Civilization, and whether or not "Rapunzel" by the Dave Matthews Band -- who John Edwards proposed play his Manhattan rooftop wedding to Hunter, which he'd have after his wife died of cancer, which to the disappointment of the Birkenstock'd 20something inside Edwards, she never did -- is about giving head. [NYDN]
  • Your Out Of Context Decaying Gossip Columnist Line of the Day: "Sitting on your deck in, say, Southampton, gazing out and coming face to face with a 4-foot-tall turkey. I'm talking their kinfolk mangled up in your net on your tennis court. And, listen, the things fly. Try shooing them." --Cindy Adams, on the prism through which she views all complex, foreign insurgency conflicts. [NYP]
  • Shia LaBeouf's gossip items are like...bad knock-knock jokes. For casual amnesiacs. You know the answer, it's not that interesting, and you want to self-flagellate for giving in to them in the first place, but you do, anyway, and when you get all the way through, you realize that you you've heard it before and it just gets worse upon the second listening, not just worse as a joke, but worse as an experience, worse as another wasted minute of your already mundane life. In this case, Shia LeBeouf gets "crazy" when he drinks. Wow. This is like that time he talked about being a Jew and also, ha ha, having a small dick: It's like, we know, we can imagine, you're codifying a stereotype, and you don't even deserve to be doing that. [NYDN]
  • Want to know how to write a Nicholas Sparks book? If the scaries at Oh No They Didn't figured it out, you can, too. In the words of Diddy: Get that paper. [ONTD]
  • Remember when Ice-T used to rap about killing cops? Then he was a Kangaroo in Tank Girl, and now he plays a cop of Law & Order. Somewhere in between all of this he got a wife who agreed to submit to his irrational fear that one day he'll literally be up some kind of creek sans-paddle and thus install NASA-grade polymer inside her chest as a flotation device in case it actually ever comes to that. And it was recently her birthday and it didn't age because that's what it's supposed to do, because he paid good money for that NASA-grade polymer. Actually, I don't even know what NASA-grade polymer is. The point is, his wife has comically huge breasts. What else can you say about this picture? No, really, I thought about this. There's no subtlety in any of this; that picture was specifically taken for people like me who repurpose gossip to sit here and look at it and hear it scream at me something along the lines of SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HER BOOBS, DON'T TRY TO GET CREATIVE WITH THIS, THERE'S ONLY ONE STORY HERE: ICE-T'S WIFE'S BOOBS. BUT IF YOU'VE SEEN TANK GIRL IT'S MODERATELY FUNNIER. [Gatecrasher]
  • They apparently treat the Jersey Shore kids quite nicely in Miami because people in Miami apparently lack the ability to distinguish between uncivilized gollums and people whose presences violate well-intentioned health codes in places where the sun isn't so goddamn hot it sterilizes everything anyway. Can't blame them. I mean, we can, but we won't, because, I mean, hey: All yours. [Page Six]
  • The guy from Sugar Ray is engaged and his fiancee is going to have twins, which is cute. It still won't make anyone forget about that time we all found out he was into pissing on girls, but it will also not make us forget that Mark McGrath was the all-time Rock and Roll Jeopardy champion. Not even a joke, he was kind of incredible on it. And come on, how good of a song is "Fly," really? It really is. [NYDN]

[fkamer@villagevoice.com]


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