Groupon Would Like to Offer You a Deal on Life-Altering Surgery
Hey kids! Got bad eyes? Wanna fix 'em, cheap? Check out the Groupon Deal of the Day, which offers surgery ON BOTH EYES for a mere $1,895, compared to the average cost of $4,200. Sound good? Wait, there's more. If you're not willing to do this for your poor children, they will endure years of torment and be destined to sub-par lives with sub-par people. Or as Groupon, which is offering this in a deal with NY NJ Lasik, puts it, "Children who wear glasses endure wisecracks including 'four-eyes' and 'Einstein,' while those with perfect vision bask in compliments such as 'two-eyes' and 'Oppenheimer.'" Do you want your kid to be called an Einstein?
(Actually, as Groupon admits in the Q&A portion of the program, you can't even get Lasik unless you're 18 or over...so your children will have already suffered a'plenty by the time you buy them this. Better make up for it now that there's a Groupon for it.)
Lasik, if you have perfect vision and therefore are not an Einstein, involves the use of a metal-blade cutting instrument called a "microkeratome" and a laser to permanently change your cornea's shape so you can see without glasses. It's quite popular, and seems, generally, safe and effective, if not something you want to purchase on the Internet.
But let's leave it, again, to the Groupon copywriters:
After machines map a diagnostic of each eye's inner workings, a microkeratome blade forms a miniscule flap in the cornea, and an excimer laser delivers a chilly beam of concentrated photons to restructure the cornea and improve its communications with the retina. Most patients can return to their routine the next day, noting only occasional eye dryness and vision fluctuations that lead them to mistake heavily draped coat racks for caped Batmen.
At the time of this post, eight people had purchased the bargain surgery. Will you be next, or is there no way in hell you'd get your eyeballs cut into at a discount rate you found online?
Note: You can also buy this for a friend. You have five days left!
Go to Runnin' Scared for all our latest news coverage.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.
- 'Convicting Peter Liang Is Not a Conviction of the NYPD,' Prosecutor Concludes
Sun., Feb. 14, 2:00pm
Sun., Feb. 14, 7:30pm
Mon., Feb. 15, 1:00pm
Tue., Feb. 16, 7:00pm
- Group for Homeless LGBT Youth Moves a Step Closer to Buying Terrible Anti-Gay Church...
- Voice Letters: Readers Share Their Energy Service Company Horror Stories