Heads Up, New York -- After Times Square Bomb Attempt, Rightbloggers Will Pretend to Care About You Again
Bad news, New Yorkers: Once again, rightbloggers are pretending to care what happens to you.
You may remember that right after 9/11 it became trendy for conservatives to gush over New York and Rudy "America's Mayor" Giuliani. Then, when it became apparent that New Yorkers still weren't going to vote Republican, they went back to their usual uncomprehending contempt toward the big, bad City ("I get the feeling these New Yorker liberals just don't understand how 9-11 changed things. It's like they don't even remember it").
But this weekend a car bomb was found, undetonated, in Times Square, and rightbloggers rushed to explain that the non-explosion was, like the crotch-bomber's non-explosion, all Obama's fault, and to generally try to make terror work for them, as it did back in those marvelous days of September 2001, by wrapping the city they despise in their oily, insincere hugs.
Step one was to amplify the terror -- a bomb almost/didn't/could have gone off, OMG panic Muslims!
"If the bomber is an American Islamist, this is significant," said Winds of Change. "It means that we're seeing radical action from the folks who have to date only been talking smack on the Internet." (And if it's not an Islamist, whatever that is, then we may as well forget all about it.)
ShrinkWrapped noted that the non-explosion was near the theater playing The Lion King, which was dispositive: "Sadly, this is the MO of our enemies in the Ummah; they specifically target attacks against children and other innocents..." Fausta's Blog concurred: "We're at war, folks."
"Has Obama apologized for the theater district yet, or has he written another big fat check to jihad?" cried Atlas Shrugs. No, we don't know what she's raving about, either.
The Pakistan Taliban claimed credit for the non-explosion, and NYPD identified a videotaped white man as a person of interest. Government and police officials, as sane people might expect, tried to calm fears -- which ran counter to the rightblogger agenda.
"As of now, authorities are not considering it terrorism," said Left Coast Rebel. "I only ask -- why not? An answer is not provided." (We would suggest that a criminal justice system, unlike rightbloggers, needs evidence, but doubt Left Coast Rebel would be receptive to this or any other rational explanation.)
Some of them were sufficiently enraged to slam the cops -- yes, those heroes of 9/11! -- for not playing along with their own jihadist fantasies. "With NYPD already attempting to squash any terrorism link," snarled Protein Wisdom's Darleen Click, "how much can we trust them to be honest with the findings of their investigation?"
(When a lefty blogger made fun of her, Click went full metal wingnut: "The Left is disappointed that this terrorist attempt has knocked Barry and Michelle's star turn at the nerd prom from frontpage ankle-licking. Poor babies. And not to cause their heads to further implode..." etc. We charitably assume Click remains devoted to fighting Al Qaeda, and momentarily turned her wrath on a fellow American only to keep her fighting fettle sharp until such time as a target of more terrorist color presented itself.)
My Pet Jawa complained that the non-explosion was "characterized as 'amateurish' by the authorities and the media. I contend that it would be more accurate to say the attempt was 'rudimentary.' " No sign yet of Ray Kelly and the NYPD adopting his nomenclature; maybe they don't know who My Pet Jawa is? "Also," he added, "using 'amateurish' sends a message of 'Nana-nana-na-na! You didn't get us!' to the unsuccessful bomber(s) which could be viewed as official taunting." Which might make them mad! Well, he's terrorized, anyway.
"No, granny at the tea party is the terrorist threat, right, B. Hussein?" cried Atlas Shrugs. (Again: Ya got us.)
Even without a definitive named culprit, rightbloggers went in for saber-rattling and threats. Reliapundit, undoubtedly hoarse from screaming "Wolverines!", switched from his traditional ALL CAPS to upper and lower case, but was no less full-throatedly insane: " I think it's silly to care one whit whether this was the act of Pakistani jihadists or local ones or Iraqi ones -- and so on... We have to attack them all. Everywhere... YES: I MEAN WE SHOULD BE FIGHTING TOTAL WAR. LIKE FDR AND TRUMAN DID." Well, we knew he couldn't stay away from the caps lock for long.
At least as significant as any Islamist (or Islamacist or Islama-dama-ding-dong or whatever) involvement was that of the real culprit in anything bad that ever happens in America today: Kenyan pretender Barry Osama. Obama made a statement about the non-explosion, but it wasn't good enough for The Jawa Report -- because Obama also made a statement about the Gulf oil spill, proving his malfeasance. "Our Glorious Leader, Barack Hussein Obama (MMM MMM MMM) Takes Aim At.... The terrorist upon our shores," MPJ wrote. "Nice to see our Glorious Leader up to speed on the threats to our safety." In case you don't have the decoder ring, that was sarcasm.
"Despite Obama's attempt to schmooze them," said Publius Forum, "radical Islamists are still the enemy of civilization." Take a deep breath for The Black Kettle: "Well I am sure if there is a connection to Islamists then the Obama administration and his lackeys in the MSM will downplay the entire episode whereas if it is a lone nutcase or militia type the administration and MSM will howl about it for months and use it as pretext to attack their political enemies."
"Terrorist Threat Still Real Even if Obama Administration is in Denial," said Florida Pundit. Fortunately someone dared to speak truth to power: "New York Governor David Patterson was the only government official ready to call this an act of terrorism." Thank God we have, in contrast to traitors like Obama and NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly, men of honor like David Paterson!
Considering the shit he gets for being President when things don't blow up, imagine what would happen if he were President when New York's tallest buildings were successfully attacked by terrorists! Let us hope such a thing never, ever happens.
But the worst part, for any of us have claimed the proud title of Citizen of New York, was the clammy hand of rightbloggers clamping on the shoulders of New Yorkers, simultaneously pretending to offer solace for the non-explosion and demanding political favors.
At National Review, Bill Burck and Dana Perino admitted that "no one yet knows for sure who is responsible for the attempted terrorist attack in Times Square last night" before sliding right into "whoever did this, we can be sure, is in league with the underwear bomber, Major Hasan, and other terrorists either in fact or in spirit."
After that unproven assertion, they cried, "New Yorkers, it's time for you to demand that the administration come to its senses and officially shut down the civilian terror trial in NYC."
Conservatives have been pushing to have that trial moved to Guantanamo Bay -- not because other New York terrorist trials have failed, but because they have succeeded; after all, if that keeps up, it will be harder for such as Burck and Perino to terrorize people into Republicanism.
New Yorkers have shown themselves to be divided over having the KSM trial in New York, and Burck and Perino apparently hope that the unexploded car might scare a few more of them over to their side. "New Yorkers have enough to worry about," they cooed, "without politicians in Washington making them even bigger targets."See, New York? They have only your best interests at heart -- so stop clutching your wallets!
And so did rightblogger Jules Crittenden: "I Heart New York," he gushed, and then, after a lot of be-terrorized-damn-ya yap, praised the Apple as "capital of the world and a front line in the Global War on Terrorism... the expression, of the hopes and dreams of so many millions of people. I love every minute I spend in that place, even when it breaks my heart..."
How sweet. Normally Crittenden regards Gotham thus: "There is also no shortage of people out there who want to jam people's heads into all kinds of engineering projects. In New York City, for example, men who present themselves as women may now use the ladies room in subway stations, regardless of the status of their plumbing, let alone their DNA." Hur hur, fags a-usin' the ladies room -- only in New York!
But seriously, ya big queers, Crittenden loves ya for what you could be -- casualties, whose broken bodies he could use to terrorize other Americans into voting Republican. But, being New Yorkers, you probably already figured out that he isn't to be trusted -- and that, as long as this story stays in the news, he's not the last such con man you'll have to be on the lookout for.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.