How to Find Your Hurricane Boyfriend
Everyone is freaking out about this possible hurricane!!! Let us comfort you with the news that some people are freaking out less than others, and some of those people happen to know a bit about the weather. That is to say, over at the National Hurricane Center, they think there's something like a 10 or 20 percent chance the hurricane will be a hurricane when it gets to New York. And, over at the Awl, they are thinking positively and pointing out that a hurricane could be good for our economy. You know what else a hurricane could be good for? Hurricane make-outs. Here's how to find your hurricane boyfriend.
1. Go to the grocery store. You need to do this anyway because all you have is one bottle of pink wine and some Sriracha peas, and you've gotten to the part of the can where the weird preservative packet that you're not supposed to eat lives and that makes you wonder if you should eat the peas, either. While you're at the store, take note a handsome fellow with a lot of tomatoes in his grocery cart (make sure he has a real cart, not one of those little baskets -- more manly) and ask him what he's planning to make with all those tomatoes. If he says anything stewed, move along, and find a guy with a large bottle of Sriracha. Do not go for the guy with the 24 pack of toilet paper and the 48 bottles of Poland Spring. He is mine.
2. All along, you have been passing on guys who live smack dab in the middle of Queens because of their geographical "undesirability." All that changes now! Go to the middle of Queens. Go now, before the subways stop running. Bring your go-bag, complete with its latex gloves and tweezers. Never have you been more prepared for the middle of Queens. Go!
3. In times of hurricanes, you should stay inside, away from windows, and preferably on a not-too-high but high-enough floor. Say, the third? But before the hurricane starts, you should be outside as much as possible, so that you can make conversation with possible hurricane boyfriends. Some good conversational lines are, "Have you ever been in a hurricane?" "Do you think this is actually going to happen?" "What lovely weather we're having!" and "You had me at hello." Don't make a Hurricane Irene/Eileen joke, that's, like, so Wednesday.
4. What use is a Wall Street trader or a nebbishy journalist in a time of a possible natural disaster? What you need is a strong, muscled type, someone who can hold a roof over your head in case it blows away in the wind (the roof), a man who has waist-high waders and a jolly laugh, and perhaps a few scars, a man who will not bogart your Xanax, nor feel conflicted about drinking water from a stream running down the Bowery. Where can you find such a man? We hear there are a lot in North Carolina. Note, also, that storm-chasers are the heroes of our time, but they are too busy chasing storms to talk to you right now.
5. If all else fails, stay at home and watch Animal Planet until the power goes out, then text anyone who lives marginally nearby but not in a evacuation zone and ask them nicely to come over and make out with you, and to bring whatever booze they have on hand, too. It's only gentlemanly.
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