How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

A stocking-stuffer spotted at the Exxxotica expo in Edison, New Jersey.
A stocking-stuffer spotted at the Exxxotica expo in Edison, New Jersey.
All photos by Nate "Igor" Smith

The holidays are fast approaching, with the accompanying seasonal joy, department store stampedes, and mommy-on-mommy assault charges. To help you avoid disappointing everyone you love with boring gift cards, we went to the Exxxotica love and sex expo in Edison, New Jersey, over the weekend and found a perfect gift for everyone on your list.

See also: Photos: At Exxxotica, a Chance to Meet Porn Stars Off-Screen (NSFW)

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your sadistic and controlling boss Dick 'n Jane Toys Sex Sling What is it? A sex sling package set. Use it to suspend a person (or persons) up to 750 lbs and restrain them with the included chains, clips, and sleeves. Packs neatly into its ballistic nylon bag for easy travel (and at 49 pounds, it just meets most domestic-airline weight requirements). Enjoy taking meeting notes from the comfortable sling seat! Cost: $500.00 Where to buy: dnjtoys.com, a family-owned and -operated business.

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your unlucky-in-love brother-in-law Brides Made in Ukraine membership What is it? If all goes well, it's a new bride and a lifetime of love and companionship. Brides Made in Ukraine is a matchmaking service started by married duo Elena Vepritskaya and Stephen Pellicano, who launched their business to address the unmet needs and issues they observed during their own experience with a different company. Prospective suitors are interviewed in person and are sent photos, bios, and intro videos of potential Ukrainian matches on a thumb drive. Once a match (or matches) is identified, they'll put the parties in touch and even translate. This is not your typical banner bride site. Cost: $450 for 3 months of unlimited email correspondence; $199 for 1 month. As Pellicano points out, this is about the same price as a big night at the strip club (with a much better ROI). Where to buy: BridesMadeInUkraine.com.

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your redditor cousin with dorm walls to decorate "Wet" Original Painting and Vulva Sculptures What is it? An original painting by artist Fang Ling Lee, showcasing the joys of coed showers (and the importance of maintaining a tidy bathroom). Also available at this booth were vulva sculptures by the artist's father for a more wallet-friendly decor option. Definitely better than a Bob Marley blacklight poster. What it'll cost you: $2,500 (or $20 per vulva) Where to buy: This particular painting is not available online; to inquire or purchase other works, visit FangLingLee.com.

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your significant other's parents (just kidding) For your bro who slams his laptop shut every time someone enters the room Pussy Juice Personal Lubricant What is it? Lubricant made from 100% natural female vaginal and oral secretions. A very different take on locally sourced, organic, fair-trade juice, Pussy Juice functions the same as any other lube -- the added frisson comes from its source. The standard collection is available in Asian, Caucasian, Ebony, Latina, and Saliva (company's wording) or you can pop for premium juice from adult performers like Natasha Starr, Dillion Harper, Alana Luv, and more. Entrepreneurial types can purchase the Independent Business Owner Kit, which contains all the tools necessary for collecting and branding the product. Cost: $29.99 for plebe juice, $59.99 for juice from the loins of stars. Each 4 oz bottle comes with photos and a letter from the juice donor (so long, endangered tiger cub and named constellation). Where to buy: PussyJuiceLube.com.

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

Upcoming Events

For your colleague/neighbor/bodega owner who's always telling you that "you look like you need a hug" BBW Crushing Show/BBW Cam House Membership What is it? Crushing falls somewhere between a particularly warm embrace and a friendly smothering (with more boob or butt, depending on your preference). At Exxxotica, BBW performers Bella Bendz and Eliza Allure were crushing 87-lb performer Odette Delacroix and Exxxotica attendees live in the BBW Cam House booth and they've repeated the experience online in the past. What it'll cost you: $5.00 live; site promises full access to all action for under 25 cents a day Where to buy: Subscribe to full site access at bbwcamhouse.com or go to Exxxotica 2015 for live crushing.

More gift ideas are on the next page.  

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For the hashtag activist in your life Pastease Nipple-Look Pasties What is it? Self-adhesive nipple pasties designed to look like actual nipples. These progressive pasties come in multiple skin tones as well as pierced styles (bar or hoop). The perfect way to participate in the #freethenipple campaign without getting kicked off Instagram. Cost: $9.99 Where you can buy one: Pastease.com, which has a dizzying pasty selection as well as a custom pasty option. Surprise your man by flashing him with his own tiny face (guys like twins, right?)!

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your retired parents Can-Am Spyder RT Limited Roadster What is it? This massive bike will take dad anywhere he pleases with the wind in his hair and premium leather lumbar support at his back. According to Cross Country Powersports sales consultant Lanny Aronoff, it's designed for those seeking a smoother, more luxurious ride from a motorcycle. For those with Easy Rider dreams but Easy Spirit comfort requirements, this is the bike to have. Plus, it will DOMINATE at the holiday golf tournament. Cost: $30,000 Where to buy: From Cross Country Powersports or see other dealers on the Can-Am site.

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your aunt who lived in an Airstream in Roswell for 20 years before settling down in Boca Abduction Wine (and Abduction Energy Shot) What is it? To quote founder Alien Robb, "there was basically no wine for the sci-fi community." Two wines (Cosmic Red and Galactic White), one energy shot, and 50,000 Twitter followers later, Robb has righted this wrong. Cost: $9.99/bottle; $3.29/shot Where to buy: AbductionWine.com

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your filthy roommate Ryan Rose Clothing Co. Dick Soap What is it? Organic soap with skin-friendly ingredients cast in the shape of a wang. In keeping with the product's no-frills name, the packaging states: WARNING NOT FOR FUCKING. Duly noted, dick soap, duly noted. It's not clear from the photos but this soap is impressively sized AND it's on a rope. Cost: $20.00 Where to buy: RyanRoseClothing.com

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For the insufferable self-professed foodie in your life (if you're a passive-aggressive nightmare) Dick on a Stick a/k/a Dicky Dog What is it? A corn dog in the shape of a penis. Sadly, we didn't see too many attendees going to town on their dicky dogs, but the booth's owner said that they had generated a lot of interest. If you're not into pork, they're also rolling out the Chicky Dicky (chicken) and the Sticky Dicky (dessert dick with, what else, a cream-filled center). When you think about it, a deep-fryer isn't that different from a sous-vide. Cost: $5.00 Where to buy: Contact Dick on a Stick at 414-349-9858

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your friend with the fancy clawfoot bathtub and in-bathroom sound system BubbleLove Personal Pleasure Jet and Dilly attachment What is it? The BubbleLove personal pleasure jet will put your showerhead out to pasture. This fully submersible handheld toy aims millions of pulsing bubbles at the location of your choice (not to be confused with Scrubbing Bubbles) and can be combined with the Dilly attachment for two points of, um, interest. Cost: $179.00 (Dilly attachment: $39.95) Where to buy: Bubblelove.com

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your cubicle-mate who signs emails with a daily Cat Fact Spank Academy Fur Tail Butt Plug What is it? A butt plug with a detachable real animal fur tail (multiple fur types available). In addition to these cuddly anal accessories, the Spank Academy had a vast quantity of expensive-looking fur and leather items at surprisingly reasonable prices. Turns out Coyote Scepter isn't just an amazing name for your first-born son. Cost: $25.00 to $50.00 depending on fur type and design Where to buy: TheSpankAcademy.com

How to Shop for the Holidays at a Porn Convention

For your creepy photographer friend who collects things in jars Sydney Leathers's Leftover Labium What is it? The name pretty much covers it. Sydney famously put her leftover lady bit on eBay following a labiaplasty last year, but the listing was pulled due to restrictions on the sale of body parts -- so she had it at Exxxotica. The labium segment now drifts gently in a saline-filled specimen jar like a mildly distressing snowglobe. Cost: Originally thousands of dollars; ultimately given as gift to aforementioned creepy photographer Nate "Igor" Smith. Where to buy: This one's claimed, but hover around outside a plastic surgeon's office for long enough and you might get lucky.

[Words: @pinkyguest][Photos: @drivenbyboredom]

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