How to Tell the Difference Between Cocaine and Anthrax: A Crib Sheet

If you're going to come to New York to work in fashion, you should probably know the difference between cocaine and anthrax. It's that simple. Via Page Six, an employee of NYC fashion megastar Marc Jacobs didn't, as she received a package that had powder in it, thought it was Anthrax, called the cops, and got it taken away. With this in mind, it's pretty apparent that the girl should be given a failing grade in Intro to Fashion Industry 1010: Basics. Let's go over where she went wrong.

Method of Shipment

Anthrax: Typically arrives via US Postal Mail, in suspiciously unmarked envelopes.

Cocaine: Not likely to arrive via US Postal Mail. UPS or Fed Ex - out of the hands of the Federal Government - is more likely, assuming you're getting it sent. Otherwise, comes via shady dude who shows up at your door who you only know as "Charlie Chaplin" who hugs you whenever he sees you to make sure you're not wearing a wire, even though it's the first time you've met the guy. Also, can sometimes be found at Coffee Shop in Union Square unloading "giraffe feed."

Typical Recipients

Anthrax: Federal authorities, banks, news agencies, media outlets, government buildings. Places housing the workplaces of people in power, which is funny, because it almost always goes to the mailroom, to the people with the least amount of power. Funny how that works.

Cocaine: Everybody else in New York, anywhere except where they work, unless you're a dumbass or work in a studio space. If you work in fashion, film/entertainment, or media outlets who have no bearing on national news cycles. Bloggers are excluded, because they're all doing Adderall (dark weekends and holidays).

Appearance

Anthrax: Fine white powder.

Cocaine: Should come in an opaque white rock - not translucent, which would be crack, in which case, your boss is on crack and you need a new job. If it's not an opaque white rock, it's not worth your time. Throw it away. Supposedly.

Taste

Cocaine: Somewhere between chalk, limestone, eucalyptus, and a salt lick. We hear.

Anthrax: Death.

Smell

Anthrax: Death.

Cocaine: LIKEYOU'RETHEMOSTINTERESTINGMOTHERFUCKERINTHEWORLDAND HOLYSHITREMEMBERTHECOUNTINGCROWSMYGODIS"LONGDECEMBER" SUCHABRILLIANT!MOTHERFUCKING!SONG! HOWLONGHASITBEENSINCEYOU'VESEENTHEOCEANMAN? HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! We hear.

Luckily, the shopgirl in question won't get in any trouble with Johnny Law, or as Maureen O'Connor at Gawker put it:

The NYPD took Marc Jacobs' poor, naive shopgirl in for questioning, but did not charge her, probably because anyone who works in the fashion industry and hasn't yet learned to recognize an eight-ball of yayo is too dumb to play any role in a drug buy.

Truth. Also, in fashion. Sorry, babes. You're gonna have to repeat the course. That said, it is not advisable to investigate first hand whether or not a substance is a terrorist plot to kill you or not if there's a serious doubt at hand as to the identity of said substance. And that said: Unless we are living in some fucked up reality-incarnate version of Zoolander, if you work at Marc Jacobs, that white stuff is always blow.

[fkamer@villagevoice.com]


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