I Just Drank 100 Ounces Of Mt. Dew In 90 Minutes. Screw You, Mike Bloomberg
Attention, Mike Bloomberg: you're not the boss of me!
Mayor Mike Bloomberg's dopey "Big-Gulp Ban" was approved by a city health council this morning -- which means one thing: a sophomoric, unhealthy and immature gesture needs to be made on someone's part.
That said, I have just finished my 100th ounce of Mt. Dew in roughly 90 minutes. I'm pretty sure my heart's about to explode and I'm fairly certain I've given myself diabetes -- all in the spirit of civil rights, of course.
Some people (read: no people) might consider my stand against soda-bullying heroic -- certainly Gandhi and Dr. King took similar stands against ruthless oppression. But my intention is not be lauded as a hero, it's simply to point out that Bloomberg's ban is a stupid idea that will do nothing to prevent obesity, which is the mayor's intention.
First and foremost, I don't even like Mt. Dew. Hate it, actually -- it's a color that doesn't appear anywhere in nature and tastes like citrus-y cat piss. But as far health risks go, it's about as bad as it gets.
For further reading on Bloomberg's ban, visit our Nanny-State of Mind Archives.
That said, you can buy 50 ounces of it for less than two bucks at any 7-Eleven. Under Bloomberg's ban, you will still be able to buy 50 ounces of it for less than two bucks at any 7-Eleven. However, you would only be able to buy it in a 16 ounce container at the pizza place located directly next door, which has restaurant owners worried about losing revenue to businesses not subject to the ban.
Makes complete sense -- if you're a fucking idiot.
As I mentioned, I currently feel like I'm about to die -- this crap has given me a brutal headache, my stomach is in knots from the enormous amount of sugar I just dumped into it, and I'm as jittery as a crackhead who couldn't score any rock. Needless to say, I will not be drinking 100 ounces of Mt. Dew again anytime soon. And that's because I'm a grownup.
One of the many advantages to being an adult is not having to listen to people who want to tell you what you can and can't eat. If I want cupcakes and beer for breakfast, I eat cupcakes and drink beer for breakfast. I then deal with the consequences -- like the sugar-induced seizure I'm approaching right now -- and learn from any mistakes (like drinking 100 ounces of Mt. Dew in 90 minutes).
Bottom line: Bloomberg's ban will do nothing to curb obesity -- it will only hurt businesses and piss off people who don't need an elderly billionaire to wipe their asses for them.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.