Kill Your Television Week Inspires Family Bonding, '90s Nostalgia, the DTs

It's National TV Turn Off Week, which means, folks, time to shut down those boob tubes and spend some quality time watching Netflix on your laptop. Or playing with your new iPad. Or listening to the family's favorite tunes on personalized coordinated iPod Nanos.

No, but seriously...

The stats related to kid TV-watching habits are tragic:

  1. Number of minutes per week the average child watches television: 1,680
  2. Number of minutes per week parents spend in meaningful conversation with their children: 38.5
  3. Number of 30-second commercials seen in a year by an average child: 20,000

Why those parents don't just get DVR and show the children how to fast-forward is beyond us. Shameful.

Anyway, there are plenty of things that a person can do with the kids aside from letting them bliss out to Nickelodeon while you polish your nails and take Nutella baths.

Like...

Bartending 101: Teach the little ones how to mix a really good martini. Throw in a Manhattan or maybe a sloe gin fizz for good measure, and parlay a few solid flair techniques to fall back on in case anyone flunks out of college or gets someone pregnant.

Spring Cleaning Fun! Toddlers are the perfect size for getting into those hard-to-reach spots behind the oven and fridge. Plus, wiping down sinks and countertops is good for hand-eye coordination. Remember the Karate Kid?

Relay With Mommy's Meds This energetic game helps children learn the warning signs (migraine vs. hangover?) to determine what you need and when. As an added benefit, all the running back and forth burns off some of that boundless kid energy. Color-coordinate the pills for better results, and you'll all sleep well at night.

Driving School Let your teen schlep you to and from the bar on weekday evenings. Make sure he or she has a permit, of course, unless you know somebody with some say up in the mayor's office.

Let's Talk about the Good Old Days Reminisce about when there was no such thing as watching too much TV and Brenda still loved Dylan while listening to classic Ned's Atomic Dustbin. Suddenly realize that "National TV Turn Off Week" was not exactly what the band had in mind and that you are terribly, terribly old. Have one of the kids make you a sloe gin fizz. Repeat.

Put your mind to it, and we're sure you'll grow and connect as a family during this trying time. You may not ever go back to watching TV!

PS: Discovery and PBS still count. Cheaters.

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