Let's set some ground rules, Boston...
Is anyone surprised at the current state of affairs? I mean, is anyone actually bemused at the fact that in the race for the division title, the Yankees are facing the Red Sox in the final weeks of the regular season?
It's like the universe conspires to ensure that: a.) ARod is batting in close and late situations. b.) The Yankees face the Red Sox in tight division races c.) Boston and New Yorkers are in constant tumult and discord.
Theoretically, this weekend doesn't count for too much. The Sox would have to go 12-0 and the Yankees 5-4 for the Sox to win the division.
But we're deluding ourselves if we think there will ever be a time when a Boston-New York series, in any way, shape, or form, will be relegated to insignificance.
It always matters.
And just as it's written that every renovation montage must feature a guy accidentally painting over another guy's back, it is just as predictable that the game "doesn't mean anything" if you're a fan of the team that loses.
But you can be sure that should the Sox sweep the Yanks? Well, then the game may as well be Game 7 of the World Series. So how about we just go head and establish now whether it's a meaningful game or not? And if it isn't, then the winning party agrees to a 100% forfeiture of shit-talking rights.
I will say that I'm curious why this weekend is any less important than the first 8 games where the Yanks were seemingly incapable of scraping together even one win against their AL East rivals. Despite the fact those were played in the first half of the season, said meetings were important enough to justify the rampant arrogance characterizing the entire Boston fan base throughout the spring.
How convenient for them to suddenly develop High Road Maturity when the Yanks are no longer automatic wins.
It would be inordinately helpful if Boston could collectively delineate their parameters for "Which Games Count." If I understand it correctly, the current guidelines dictate that:
- Any World Series won before 2000 is not relevant and should not be considered in arguments debating the historical success of franchises
- Steroid use only voids the validity of a title in years outside of 2004 and 2007
- A division title does not enable fans of title holder to assume superiority
- Wild Cards and Division Champions possess equal levels of significance
- In the event of a loss, Boston retains the right to default to inflated payroll accusations and/or invalidating loss on basis of team's injuries
- Any close and late hit from Alex Rodriguez shall automatically be stricken from the record in accordance with "ARod sucks in the clutch" bylaws
- In the event of a save at the hands of Mariano Rivera, the current game's outcome shall be eclipsed by past blown save incidences
- In extreme situations, Boston fans may choose to redistribute vested interests, by taking an early withdrawal from the Red Sox 2009 Season account and re-allocating interests into Patriots 2009-2010 Season account
- Substantiated support is not a prerequisite for "Yankees Suck" contentions
- These guidelines are subject to change on the sole discretion of Boston advocates
So, let me know if there are any updates or revisions to this treatise. The deadline for submitting changes is 7:00pm Friday. Or does the new doctrine permit in-game posturing shifts?
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.
- The Ray of Ray's Candy Store Back in the Shop Despite Heart Surgery
Sat., Aug. 1, 1:00pm
Sat., Aug. 1, 2:00pm
Sat., Aug. 1, 7:00pm
Sun., Aug. 2, 3:00pm
- Here Are the Locations From 'Kids,' Twenty Years Later
- What Can We Learn From Donald Trump's Twitter Account?