LL Cool J, satanist: Studies in Crap presents Dancing With Demons
Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Dancing With Demons: The Music's Real Master
Author: Jeff Godwin
Publisher: Chick Publications
The Cover Promises: Best Burning Man ever!
- "Homosexuality and Satanism are the two main reasons you should burn any Hall & Oates records and tapes you might own." (page 90)
- "Notice the lyrics from LL Cool J's song 'Dangerous.' The word 'hail' (come forth) is used. LL Cool J is calling for demons. Are demons the 'new concept' he's injecting 'into your ears?'" (page 132)
By the late 1980s, evangelicals had perfected an unlikely method of winning young people to Christ.
Step One. Loudly damn everything that young people might enjoy, ever.
Step Two: Watch the kids flock to you.
Of course, denouncing youth culture meant some dedicated evangelicals had to swallow hard and experience youth culture. Jeff Godwin dared to, and the Lord revealed horrors unto him, such as the obvious fact that LL Cool J cavorts with demons. (Lucifer must have a big ol' butt.)
Turns out, all of kids' musical heroes perform in the service of demons, devils, and "a Greek deity named Pan." Godwin proves this on the book's first page when he points out that Paul McCartney holds a pan pipe on the sleeve of his Pipes of Peace record, a well-known favorite of cultists everywhere. As a cabernet sauvignon is to fine steak, so is the light funk of "Say, Say, Say" to human sacrifice.
You can see Pan for yourself on the cover of Dancing With Demons. There he tootles his flute in front of the enraptured masses, some of whom boogie on as the lake of fire swallows them. Godwin writes, "Multiplied millions of young people are being sacrificed to this master demon as they pass through the fires of rock."
Closer inspection confirms that Pan's hellbound throng is made up of everyday people just like you and me!
See, there's the feather-duster punks, a guy shoplifting a basketball, Princess Leia as a schoolgirl, and way up front, third in line for the inferno, poor Ralphie from A Christmas Story.
Godwin assails everyone you would expect in a book like this. There's Stevie Nicks, of course, who apparently aspires to pharaoh-hood:
"Some other facts which tie Stevie to her master, Satan, include: Halloween is her favorite night of the year. She would like to build her own pyramid, and someday retire to a 'little witch house' by the sea."
And suck-rock heroes Poison.
And the mightiest of all:
Yes, "Stairway to Heaven" is exactly like the Encyclopedia Britannica.
- Are found in basements.
- Haven't been consulted in 20 years.
- Were once sold door-to-door.
- Are so big they must be purchased in installments.
Like most Satan-spotters of the '80s, Godwin hates metal.
His distaste also ranges to hip hop:
"Rap is street slang for a long winded, loud mouthed, lotta talk about nothing, set to rhyme."
In rap, which is full of "ear infiltration and dust-headed death," Godwin sees not community but conspiracy.
"On the inner sleeve of 'Licensed to Ill,' the following words are stuck between pictures of the in-concert Beastie Boys taking a booze bath: 'SPECIAL KNOWLEDGE TO RUN DMC & JAM-MASTER JAY.' Why did they use the word 'knowledge' instead of 'acknowledgement?' What secrets passed between the groups, and why be so mysterious about it?"
On another page, he answers his own question.
"Run-DMC are role models, all right, but for whom? The answer is obvious - LUCIFER."
And then there's this.
It goes on and on like this.
Rolling Stones: "The most infamous band of doped-up Black Magic monsters of all time."
David Bowie: "Bisexual coke head"
Paul McCartney: "Pro-homo dopehead"
Tina Turner: "The inner sleeve of 'Break Every Rule' features a full length photo of Tina wearing a slitted mini-dress which barely covers her backside. The entire picture is bathed in red, the color of harlotry."
Amy Grant:"She and a friend sunbathed naked on the beach"
David Lee Roth: "While still a young child, I bet he never dreamed he'd one day spend his vacations watching satanic high priests stuffing live chickens into their mouths and tearing them to pieces."
Heart: "On stage, burly Ann bellowed out tunes like a rampaging bull elephant while her kid sister Nancy stood motionless like a frozen telephone pole."
All throughout the 80s, kids dared each other to stick their tongues to Nancy Wilson.
Godwin quotes innocous lyrics from Madonna's "Open Your Heart" and then lamely concludes, "Put Satan in those words instead of just boy/girl 'love' and you'll get the true meaning behind the message."
But if adding "Satan" to a song's lyrics proves that song is satanic, than every song ever written is a secret paen to evil! Let's try!
- "Abide With Me, Satan"
- "My Favorite Things (Include Satan)"
- "(Satan's Coming Over for a) White Christmas"
- "I Am Satan's Little Teapot"
[The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.]
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