Merry War on Christmas!
And you thought you were going to get through another holiday -- whoops, we mean Jesus Christmas -- without getting caught in the O'Reillyesque crossfire of culture war. Fox News has this breaking news: "Children's Books Use Christmas to Push Global Warming Agenda." Apparently there's a book called Santa Goes Green, in which a kid gets Santa to save a polar bear, which Fox believes will ruinously distract children from plum pudding, candy canes, and football in the den. Supporting Fox's indignation is a guy who wrote a bad review of Santa Goes Green at Amazon. Take that, liberal media eco-conspirators!
The Moonie Washington Times tells us that "only Kohl's and Rite-Aid have used the word 'Christmas' regularly and prominently in their advertising," and so "deserve praise -- and our patronage -- for not following the retail pack mentality." Late shopping Christmas patriots know what to do: everyone gets band-aids and crappy clothes this year. It's Christmasy and economical!
Dennis Prager goes sonderkommando, declaring himself a "Happy Jew at Christmas" who believes in Santa Christ and that "those who protest the celebration of Christmas are narcissistic and probably unhappy." This page also gives you access to Prager's earlier Christmas classic, "Christians Offer Beauty At Christmas; Atheists Offer Nihilism." Set it to music and sing it around a roaring fire fed by Christopher Hitchens books.
If mere words aren't miltant enough for you, you can hop on down to Kansas City, Kansas, and join the Praise Chapel Christian Fellowship, whose members have been going around dressed as Jesus this week -- complete with crown of thorns -- to remind people of the reason for the season, which to some people will always be picking a fight. Merry CHRISTmas, hippies, and a Happy New Year IN JESUS.
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