Mike Bloomberg Kills Our Remaining Joys One by One

Well, it happened. Your bacon, flavored rice, and dozens of other foods that are supposed to taste salty will not be as salty as they used to be, so we will have to add salt to them, which will take away from meaningful conversations at the dinner table with all the "Please pass the salt" interruptions and probably hinder us from ever having real relationships.

Not only does Mayor Bloomberg hate fun, he wants us to live forever. Alone.

"By working together over the past two years, we have been able to accomplish something many said was impossible: setting concrete, achievable goals for salt reduction," said Mayor Bloomberg. "The National Salt Reduction Initiative has the potential to save tens of thousands of lives that otherwise would be lost to cardiovascular disease in coming years."

Bloomberg, a warning: Keep your grubby popcorn-powdered paws off of my wine. I'm serious as a heart attack.


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