My Frumpy Face Is Melting Off
Most of us foolishly believe a quick smear of lipstick at the end of the day will perform some glittering transformation, and we're clearly living a lie.
As television execs Elycia Rubin and Rita Mauceri hypothesize in their essential guide, Frumpy to Foxy in 15 Minutes Flat, the metamorphosis from dowdy to stunning might actually take a full quarter of an hour. Here they reveal their super-secret Foxy Formula, a few steps summarized in 144 pages. First on the list is establishing a "foxy base"; this is broken up into easy-to-navigate subtopics for every level of hygiene. "Do Deodorize" will be a revelation to the uninitiated, while "Razor's Edge" had suggestions even an old hand could use: "Shave every other day, or as needed. It's a minor hassle, but it takes two minutes and has major foxy payoffs." Also, it's clearly important not to wake up as a guy. "Keep an eye on your upper lip, too," they advise in "Wax Away", "and don't let that pesky fuzz creep up."
After you have taken a foxy shower, you can then progress into the rest of your foxy routine: "To break it down, that leaves five minutes to dress, five minutes for hair, and five minutes to put on your foxy face." Chapters are divided into a range of possible foxy scenarios: Foxy at Work, Foxy in Love, Foxy Free Time, Foxy on the Go, Foxy Festivities, and Foxy Family. When going on a job interview, instructed the "Foxy at Work" chapter, almost as important as mental preparation is "the dress rehearsal, so you mustn't forget 'I'm foxy.' Otherwise, one frumpy move could land you right back on the sofa with the classifieds in hand." Damn, that's one foxy day of reckoning! We skipped to the real goods, Foxy on a Date. "No casual ponytails," they order, "save those for the gym or summer dates once he's become your steady Eddie." OK.
Once he has achieved said Eddie status, feel free to "grab one of his favorite baseball caps and pull all of your hair through the hole in the back. Good bet he'll be thinking, 'home run!' " The book has numerous celebrity endorsers, not least of which is Steven Cojocaru, People's hyper-preened runway reporter, and official fox Carmen Electra herself. "I wish I would have had it sooner!" she exclaims in the press release. "I could've used the help." No doubt hot Carm benefited from all those "Foxy Overtime" bonus tips, particularly for a happily-wed Foxy in Love: "If you want to quickly polish your nails, nothing says 'I'm a keeper' more than a sheer, pale pink, or beige."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.
- We Found the Most Fascinating (and Depressing) Site on the Internet
- This Brooklyn Local is Making a Web Series about Growing Weed
- New York City's Food Pantries Are Struggling to Keep Up With a Growing Demand For Meals