New York Times' Renewed Sense of Competition with New Funding Strategy: Satan

Genius. Is there a better investment opportunity out there for a media outlet? The New York Times has apparently uncovered the answer to all of their fiscal issues of recent: Satan.

Via Brett Michael Dykes' at Yahoo News, a priest named Father Gabriele Amorth has figured out the Times' new fiscal survival strategy: take money from Satan, and run with it.

The New York Times--which has reported on one such scandal in Milwaukee where then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, appeared to permit a priest with a long history of abuse accusations to retain his office--as pursuing an agenda "prompted by the Devil." "There is no doubt about it," Amorth told CNA. "Because he is a marvelous Pope and worthy successor to John Paul II, it is clear that the devil wants to 'grab hold' of him." He went on to explain that "the devil wants the death of the Church because she is the mother of all the saints."

Those saints, of course, being the forces working against the Times:

- Hypercapitalist maniac Rupert Murdoch, who owns Fox News even though he hates it, and also wants to destroy the New York Times with the Wall Street Journal.

- New York Post editor Col Allen, the raving drunk who just hired a former peep-show girl also once arrested for open-container drinking.

- New York Times shareholder and loan shark Carlos Slim, the richest man in the world, who holds competition-smashing monopolies all over the world, who hails from one of the poorest countries in the world.

- Newsday owner Jimmy Dolan, whose penis is sacred.

- The Village Voice, which was founded by Norman Mailer.

- Gossip Bloggers.

Hopefully these Agents of Good will work against the Times agenda of framing the Pope for supporting grown men who have fucked little boys; in the meantime, we have the Catholic Church to thank for pointing out who's on which side of this thing.

[fkamer@villagevoice.com]


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