The annual FELIX AWARDS for showbiz excellence and horror pay homage to the year's best in bisexuality, bipolar disorders, bilateral skin abrasions, binary fission, and bile. The only thing worse than not winning a Felix is winning one, and so, without pausing for a HUGH JACKMAN high kick and a close-up of his wife, this year's unwanting victors are . . .
POP GOES THE CULTURE
Biggest Miss Conception: Who says STAR JONES is against gay marriage? She married a gay! Hell-eaux!
The Year in Madonna: The spiritual hot mamaa/k/a Attila the Nunreportedly started charging people $5 if they dared to emit naughty, bawdy curse words around her. Well, next time I see the lady, I'll hand her a fifty and say, "Freak off, you twat-twirling, prick-needing, snatch-approving, caca-doody jizz jacuzzi." Kidding.
Super Bowl Tragedy: Just as I was about to get hooked on football for the first time, JANET JACKSON's right tit popped out. Eew. Back to synchronized swimming.
The Year in CBS: The antsy network dumped the controversial The Reagans movie onto cable, postponed airing a MICHAEL JACKSON special thanks to his pedophilia charges, instituted a five-second awards-show delay after Janet's boobie breakout, and yanked MARTHA STEWART's homemaking show when her vengeful verdict came in. At least they were brave enough to run with those bogus BUSH military documents.
Wait, Here's Another CBS Mess: On the Tony Awards telecast, Avenue Q was named Best Musical, road producers having been assured the show would tour and they'd be able to promote a Tony-winning attraction if they voted for it. But actually, Q was heading strictly to cheesy-assed Vegas! This amid the backdrop of the show's campaign slogan, "Vote your heart"! Fortunately, it was the best new musical of the season anyway, so I say leave the system alone.
The Year's Biggest Gastric Bypass: Brave acid reflux sufferer ASHLEE SIMPSON ditzily told a reporter she must have given SNL its best ratings in agesas if we all got an advance memo saying, "The tape's gonna fuck up! You gotta watch!" (Actually, I did, but it was apparently from the same Kinko's in Texas that sends stuff to CBS.)
By the Way: I bet Martha Stewart wasn't really mad at the music she heard when employee DOUGLAS FANEUIL put her on hold. I'm guessing she was mad that he put her on hold!
Falafel Waffle: BILL O'REILLY called ANDREA MACKRISthe woman who sued him for sexual harassmentan evil extortionist, and Fox media dutifully went to work portraying her as a ruthless, reprehensible parasite. Then suddenly O'Reilly gave her a giant, undisclosed amount of money. He showed her!
Dyke-otomy?: ELLEN DEGENERES and PORTIA DE ROSSI had hot sex in a car, so they contacted their respective longtime lovers and gave them the dump, proving gay people can be every bit as romantically idiotic as straights. Equality at last!
photo: Twentieth Century Fox
HOLLYWOOD, BUT IT SHOULDN'T
Worst Movie Trend: Characters dabbling in blatant or coded homophobia for two hours, followed by a quickie positive message or revelation at the end (Shark Tale, Shall We Dance?). Thanks for the crumbs!
Also: Quirky, potentially earthshaking sad-sack flicks (Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite, Sideways, In Good Company) that couldn't resist the urge to build toward a wimp-out, full-throttle Hollywood happy ending. How depressing!
Another Overdone Shtick: A gruff but lovable coach has to transform a hapless ghetto team consisting of a moron, a swinger, a quiet genius, a punk, and a crossover artist. After some resistance, he whips them into submission and they bond with him and, simultaneously, with each other, thereby conquering their deepest fears and insecurities. They winto an all-star hip-hop soundtrack. "Based on a true story."
Worst Line: "You know, they calls it hippity-hop music, but it don't make me wanna go hippity hop!" Irma P. Hall's character in The Ladykillers
Can You Tell These Eternal Starlets Apart?: KATE BOSWORTH, KATE BECKINSALE, KATE WINSLET, KEISHA CASTLE-HUGHES, KEIRA KNIGHTLEY. Liar!
Meo-owch: Keeping up a time-honored tradition that started with last year's stinky The Cat in the Hat, 2004's two most godawful moviesGarfield and Catwomancentered on woefully annoying felines who bored scads of perfectly innocent people into comas. Death to anything furry!
But Wait a Fancy-Feast Minute: The year's most disarming character was Shrek 2's Puss in Boots, a sexy, swashbuckling kitty with great style and real cattitude. OK, let 'em livejust spay 'em in their sleep!
Best Omission: Aren't you glad Ray stopped before "We Are the World"?
But I Wish They'd Snipped the Line: "Ray, we're onto something really big here! No one's ever combined r&b and gospel before!"
Halle Berry as Catwoman
photo: Warner Bros
POLITICK . . . TICK . . . TICKING
Alert This, Bitch: Right before the Republican convention, the administration conveniently revealed info that suggested we were in immediate danger of terror attacks. The info was three years old! Sure enough, Bush got a slight surge in popularitybut right after he was re-elected, the alert was lowered and what do you know, it turned out terror wasn't as immediately threatening after all. That's when I started worrying!
Dubya Dubya Dubya Dot Come On!: Bush was supposedly re-elected because so many people backed his "moral values." You know, the persecution of gays and immigrants, the encouragement of backdoor abortions, and the celebration of shady, unjustified wars, all in the name of the Lord. But don't get me fuckin' started. (Sorry, Madonnahere's another 50 cents.)
Semantics: JOHN EDWARDS called MARY CHENEY a gay person and DICK CHENEY said thank you. JOHN KERRY called Mary Cheney a lesbian and the whole Republican world erupted in a fiery furor. Picky, picky.
LA BETE INHUMAINE
Most Annoying People: The ones who send you six e-mails promoting some lame event you don't care about and then a seventh one with the subject "Correction."
The Second Most Annoying: Your gay male friend who sounds all hot and macho when you call him. ("Hello," he murmurs in a moisture-inducing, gravelly voice.) It's only because he thinks you're responding to his hotline message. Once he realizes it's you, his voice jumps three octaves and he squeals, "Hey, girlfriend!"
Clichés That Jumped the Shark: No worries, we're on the same page, own your feelings, on the down low, my plate is full, one-person pity party, "hello, pot," fingers crossed, ass bandit, thinking out of the box, jumping the shark.
Worst Line I Overheard in a Trendy Restaurant: "And then the lesbians took over Mount Holyoke."
Springtime for Tina: A Cinemax documentary reveled in the idea that Hitler may well have been a big ol' Judy Garland-lovin' leather gay. A few months later, activist LARRY KRAMER announced that he's quite certain Der Führer was hopelessly hooked on crystal meth. Hearts stopped around the world as we realized that Nazi skank was the world's first circuit queen! And I always thought they were so nice.
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