Old Testament sex advice: "The Bible is concerned about the husband's attitude toward his wife's breasts."
Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Bed Room Talk
Author: David & Carole Hocking
Publisher: Harvest House publishing
Representative Quote: "The lady in my office was deeply disturbed and found it difficult to tell me why she was seeking a divorce. They had been married many years. She finally said, with a great deal of embarrassment, 'Pastor! I caught my husband playing with himself!'"
Unhappy people love nothing more than to hear happy people explain how happy they are. That goes double in marriages, so it is no surprise that the happiest married couples write books about how we can be more like them. One such couple was the Hockings, an evangelist preacher and his wife who share in Bedroom Talk invaluable insights like this:
"It has been our observation that many marital problems have resulted from the attempts of married couples to find sexual satisfaction with other people."
In Bedroom Talk, the Hockings share how you and your spouse can one day become happy enough to write marriage guides of your own. The Hockings have observed married couples on occasion attempt lovemaking, so this guide offers advice on the hows and wherefores. They suggest:
"Read the Song of Solomon one night to each other, sitting in front of the fireplace."
"Plan at least one night a month as 'sexual variety' night. Have sex in a different place and in a different way. (Don't forget to plan for the babysitter.)"
That one is surprisingly open-minded.
To their credit, the Hockings believe that married love should be satisfying. In fact, not to satisfy your spouse incurs God's wrath. They write, "It is a sin to hold back sexual involvement from your marital partner when it is within your ability to give it."
But that doesn't mean you can't hold back some sexual involvement. Addressing the sticky issue of oral sex, the Hockings remind us "it is our opinion that the husband is responsible for leadership in sexual love. His love is to be unselfish, not demanding . . . Oral sex can suggest to your partner that you don't really want to give your love to him (or her)."
In short, man must hold the power to force his wife to go down on him, but he must also be decent enough not to do so. Just like Gravity's Rainbow, the whole shebang is a parable for the arms race.
Also, the very idea of a man pleasuring his wife in this way belongs in parentheses.
Fortunately, there's still some avenues of satisfaction open to our powerful, self-sacrificing men. In the chapter "Being Satisfied at All Times With Her Breasts," for example, the Hockings labor mightily to prove that men have been designed with an interest in breasts. They back this up with sensual verses from The Song of Solomon, like the one comparing a beauty's breasts to fawns, and Psalms 8:10, which goes "I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers."
That one probably inspired Pat Robertson to blame 9/11 on late-night Cinemax. Then comes the hard question. What is a husband to do if his wife's set does not resemble woodland critters or feats of engineering representative of the west's economic and cultural might?
The Hockings have some advice:
"A man can learn to enjoy his wife physically no matter what her physical assets may or may not be. Her breasts are for him to enjoy, and they do not belong to anyone else." Further: "The man husband should never compare his wife physically with any other woman."
Especially if she asks you to.
"Sometimes when I am busy in the office and burdened by many responsibilities, I may not feel a great need for sexual relations with my wife. But if I call her on the phone (as I often do) and I sense that she wants me, I'll do my best to make the trip home and minister to her."
In the chapter "Let's Take Inventory," the Hockneys pop-quiz their readers with his-and-hers essay questions. These include:
To the husband
Do you enjoy sex with your wife? If you don't, why not?
Do you seek to bring pleasure to your wife sexually? How?
Are you careful about cleanliness and smell?
The questions for the wives are pretty much the same, with this notable addition:
Are you always willing and ready to have sex with him?
[The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.]
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