Oscars 2011: Live Blogging the Awards Show

And now for the awards portion of the evening! Full disclosure: the three of us have seen only five of the Best Picture nominees. Not that it matters. So:

Myles: This montage is like those DJ Earworm mixes. Rosie: Scared of this montage. Jen: Seriously, I might need to take a Xannie.

Jen: Oh, Alec Baldwin. Remember when we used to work out together? Rosie: I want this to be good. So far... Jen: oh, I get it, they're visiting all the MOVIES.

Rosie: Haven't this been done like 5,000 times? Myles: Anne Hathaway is funny! #surprised Rosie: Who's funnier? Hath or Franco? Myles: Franco Jen: their scriptwriters are funnier. Rosie: the Brown Duck? Come on. Alec Baldwin is best in Wegman's commercials. Jen: Who's hotter? Baldwin or Freeman? Rosie: Well Baldwin is such a Baldwin. Myles: SUCH a Baldwin Jen: But Freeman is such a Freeman!

Jen: Quit with the semi-witty banter and make out! Rosie: I want Ricky Gervais to storm onto the stage and turn this thing around.

Oscars 2011: Live Blogging the Awards Show

Jen: Ugh this is lame. Rosie: This is awkward, this mom thing. Jen: Mom jokes are so 2005. Grandma jokes, those are good, though. Rosie: What the hell is going on. Jen: Are we not calling him Marky Mark anymore? Anne Hathaway's dress reminds me of a comb I once had. Rosie: So...we're talking about Gone with the Wind? On point. Myles: How 'relevant'. Jen: How come we never talk about Joe vs. the Volcano anymore?

Best Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland

Jen: Man put funny hat on Oscar statue! Myles: Earnest! Jen: Achievement in Cinematography. Inception wins. Myles: BRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWRWRRRMRMRMMRMRMMMMM (ed. note: Myles described that as the "Inception noise.")

Rosie: LOOK AT FRANCO'S SMIRK Jen: James Franco! That face! Myles: James Franco rips a bong during every commercial. Jen: Aw, lifetime achievement! To the man with a cane. (Myles: This is Michael Douglas's dad) Rosie: He's...crazy about beautiful women?

Rosie: Okay -- Best Supporting Actress. Who are our picks? I'm calling it for Helena. Myles: Same. Jen: I'm going to go out on a limb and say that little girl. Rosie: This cane tussle could have ended badly.

Jen: Please make this be over soon. It makes me so sad. Rosie: I can't do this anymore. Jen: I was gonna say her! Rosie: Winner: Melissa Leo (Best Supporting Actress) Jen: Melissa Leo wins for having the best BAHSTAN accent eVah. Myles: Will this surprise win set the tone for the rest of the night. !?!?! Rosie: Don't understand her top. Jen: I think she's wearing decoupage. Rosie: SWEARING HAPPENED Jen: Yay! This is fun now. Rosie: More swearing! Myles: She's still in trashy-Boston mode.

Jen: Don't take the man's CANE. JESUS. Rosie: "It's the young and hip Oscars." That was an ad lib, and not a good one. Justin Timberlake + Mila! Myles: Obsessed with both of them. Rosie: There's another Shrek? Jen: Shrek 1 million! I'm for the Gruffalo because peeps told me. Plus it rhymes with Ruffalo. Jen: BOOOOO. The Lost Thing? (Wins Animated Short)

Jen: Was that a burn? "The fully grown animated feature"? Rosie: Awkward short joke via Mila Kunis! Myles: If its not Toy Story 3, I'll probably just cry. Jen: I heard the Illusionist was fantastic. And, I like coats! Rosie: It's obviously going to be Toy Story 3. And it is! (Best Animated Feature) Jen: Myles is so happy.

Rosie: Anne Hathaway's hair is definitely a high quality wig. JAVIER JAVIER JAVIER Myles: Beyonce quality. Jen: that's a lotta white. Rosie: Not understanding the tuxes? Jen: (Javier plus Brolin = one big bowl of mayo)

Rosie: HOT mayo. As I said before, I'm marrying Javier Bardem. Jen: Adapted Screenplay goes to Social Network. whoot Mr. Sorkin.

Jen: best Original Screenplay... Rosie: I think it should go to Inception Myles: I think it will go to the King's Speech Rosie: MARRY ME JAVIER Myles: +1 for me. Rosie: Best Original Screenplay: King's Speech.

Jen: Queen gets a shout out! Rosie: Queen Elizabeth gets a mention! Myles: "Don't be a drag, just mention the Queen" Rosie: Coming up: Russell Brand, Dynasty Witherspoon. Jen: "Dynasty Witherspoon" would be a great porn name. I guess it would have to be pronounced with an emphasis on the "nasty."

Rosie: Channelling Liza Minelli! Jen: Oh, Anne Hathaway is going to insist on singing. Rosie: This can't be happening. Jen: Is this from An American Tail? Rosie: That was my favorite Oscar moment ever. Jen says: "Is that Musto?" Is this real life? Jen: Charlie Sheen mention happens. Helen Mirren is not excited about Russell Brand's hair gel getting on her face. Best Foreign Film is.... In a Better World. Go, Denmark!

Rosie: Dynasty Witherspawn! Myles: Reese Witherspoon is wearing a bumpit Jen: TRACY FLICK TRACY FLICK TRACY FLICK Rosie: What award is this? Jen: Myles says this is "craziest moment in a film." Best Supporting Actor? Already? Rosie: It's here. Jen: Skinny Christian Bale makes me feel like eating a second dinner. Rosie: This is going to Rush. And I don't mean the band. Best Supporting Actor goes to Christian Bale Jen: Because he had to get so skinny. I really hope Bale curses a LOT.

Jen: Lots of discussion happening now about Bale's beard. Rosie thinks there's something wrong with it. Myles: As a fellow bearded man I'm happy about Christian Bale's win. Jen: I find it effortlessly attractive. Myles: It's a win for beards everywhere Rosie: There's definitely something wrong with it.

Jen: Best Original Score... Rosie: This is going to the Social Network. Myles: Refuse to support Dragon movie because it's anti-pixar Jen: Oh, this is so the Trent Reznor, yeah. But I like the tinkling little King's Speech music.

Best Original Score: the Social Network (Trent Reznor!)

Rosie: Trent Reznor!! Jen: David Fincher seems unenthused by Reznor's win. Rosie: My ex loved NIN. (non sequitor) Jen: Wow, James Franco, seems like we haven't seen you in a while. Rosie: Franco back after a long hiatus! Myles: He took nap after the 4th bong rip. Jen: I guess he was doing something during that Anne Hathaway number. Rosie: McConaghey back after a long run on the beach. Jen: Sound mixing nominees. Myles: ScarJo needs to use the comb that was on Anne Hathaway's dress.

Sound Mixing Goes to Inception

Jen: Sound editing...Troll scene from Toy Story 3 looks awesome. Rosie: This one also goes to Inception! Myles: Inception wins an award within an award. BRRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWRWRRRMRMRMMRMRMMMMM (ed. note: the Inception noise again.) Jen: That sound should have its own Oscar.

Best Sound Editing: Inception

Jen: Not in love with this new Anne Hathaway grey velvety hairy dress. Rosie: It looks like something a middle aged Wiccan would wear to her daughter's wedding. Jen: James Franco is clearly losing it. Myles: Anne Hathway is now wearing a bearclaw on her head Rosie: James Franco can't remember Cate Blanchett's roles. Myles: I feel like Tavi would wear Cate Blanchett's dress Rosie: This makeup award is so intense. Jen: collective ugh from the Wolfman scene, even Cate Blanchett says "that was gross." Rosie: Annnddd a Lucius Malfoy lookalike accepts the award for Best Makeup. Jen: He says he's smiling so big "his face hurts." Myles: Rick Baker and Dave Elsey winners of Best Makeup

Jen: Costume Design....The woman accepting the costume design award has very costumey long sheer gloves. Myles: Best Costume Design: Colleen Atwood for Alice in Wonderland Rosie: Deserved!

Rosie: Obama appears! favorite movie song is "Time Goes By". Kevin Spacey presenting Best Song. Myles: From Casablanca FYI. Jen: Kevin Spacey is singing. It's annoying. Rosie: George Clooney joke. Obligatory. Jen: Where is Clooney? Randy Newman is an Oscar God. Rosie: Randy Newman. Always and forever. Myles:

Rosie: James Franco can barely open his eyes. Amy Adams and Jake Gylenhaal take the stage. Jen: Pretty dress, pretty hair. Rosie: Amy Adams is dressed like the night sky. Jen: "Shorts are the hardest categories to pick on your Oscar ballot" says Jake Gyllehaal. Then gives us a reminder to actually watch them. Thank you, sir. Myles: I feel like Jake Gyllenhaal just gave the "bloggiest" answer to "Why you should see short films" (it'll help your oscar predictions). Jen: (The Shorts award goes to...a movie you probably haven't seen.) Rosie: Ok so this is for Best Documentary Short.. goes to Strangers No More

Jen: Shorts speech is ... short! Myles: Best Live action short film. God Of Love looks adorable. Wish 143 looks tragic. Jen: It does look cute! Whee, it won. (God of Love wins Best Live Action Short). Except for the scene we just saw where the girl gets stabbed with a cupid dart! Rosie: LUKE MATHENY'S HAIR Jen: I love this guy! Rosie: SHOUTOUT TO NYU'S FILM PROGRAM. (full disclosure: Myles Tanzer and I attend NYU). Jen: Collective aw for Luke Matheny's shoutout to the love of his life. Next Anne Hathaway dress: gold, flappery. Myles: Harry Potter Autotune is really happening right now. Jen: Amazing Ron/Hermione autotune happening. Rosie: Twilight Autotune. Myles: Autotune The News is the best. The Gregory Brothers are geniuses.

Jen: Oprah Winfrey!!! Rosie: Oopppraahhhhhhh! Jen: Oprah presenting best documentary. Rosie: Dress: big, sparkly, chocolatey grey color. Myles: I'm actually tearing up about Oprah's speech. Rosie: OMG is she about to present an award to Banksy? Jen: "Exit Through the Gift Shop better win," says Myles. Inside Job gets it (Best Documentary). Sorry Myles. Myles: Whoops. Jen: Documentarian says we should jail financiers...but this is about the movies! Rosie: Getting a little too political. Lots of uncomfortable audience faces.

Rosie: Billy Crystal onstage. Making me laugh so much right now. Something is wrong. Rosie: A lot of talk about Bob Hope. What year is this? Jen: Scenes from Bob Hope hosting the 25th Academy Awards... Rosie: Is this a regular thing? Bringing back dead people? Jen: Is that a new laugh track or a 25th Academy Award one? Rosie: Confusing -- suddenly Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law appeared out of thin air. Jen: Jude Law's tie is crooked. Rosie: Jude Law tells RDJ to relax. Lot of weird tension up there onstage. Jen: Visual Effects...Harry Potter is up for this one. Also, Alice in Wonderland. Jen: Inception wins Visual Effects...Is that its 3rd award? Cinematography, Visual Effects, two sound awards... Myles: I want Black Swan to win something already. Jen: Award for Film Editing ... we're blowing through these. Rosie: Film Editing goes to the Social Network. Jen: Best hug: Angus Wall, Kirk Baxter. Myles: Best glasses: Angus Wall.

Jen: Rosie Gray is pontificating on how the Social Network wasn't that good of a movie. Rosie: I have a lot of opinions. Jen: Indeed. Rosie: Anne Hathaway has changed into a really pretty red dress. Jennifer Hudson comes on to present final 2 Best Song nominees. Myles: Remember that year when Beyonce preformed all of the songs?. They should do that every year Rosie: GWYNETH PALTROW SINGING

Myles: This whole Gwyneth Paltrow singing thing is just downright stupid. Jen: Gwynnie has taken the stage. She's in a frothy peach ensemble, and she is comin' home, girlfriend. Rosie: She changed out of the good dress, into a Dancing with the Stars outfit. Currently yelping a country song. I think this is elaborate performance art a la Joaquin. Jen: Best Original Song...Toy Story 3, this is Myles's favorite. Myles: !!! Jen: Randy Newman! He wins everything. Myles: WEEE BELONG TOGETHERRR. Jen: Ok, maybe not. 20 noms, 2 awards.

Jen: Randy Newman is making Justin Timberlake and Kevin Spacey laugh and laugh. Rosie: Great speech from Randy Newman. He's a pro. Jen: Notable absences...have we seen Angelina? Brad? And where is Clooney? Myles: Meryl Streep Rosie: Jennifer Aniston? Jen: Yeah, does Janiston get invited to these things? Myles: Justin Bieber? Oh he's on this commercial. Thank god. Jen: whew. Drew Barrymore? Tom and Katie?

Celine Dion is here, thank goodness. Rosie: We can all relax now. Jen: I love a good dead people montage. But I feel sorry for them. They had to die, and now to have Celine sing to them? Rosie: Who will they leave out of hte dead people montage this year?They always leave out someone notable and people get pissed. Jen: GAWD this song is awful. God waful. Rosie: I feel so uncomfortable. Is this even like, a real song? She's just moaning. Myles: Just pure emotion and the occasional "smile." Jen: This is called insult to injury. And why is the song called "Smile"? That is shitty. Rosie: Halle Berry on Lena Horne. Myles: Halle Berry wears that dress every year Rosie: She does! Jen: Halle Berry has returned to her normal voice from the sexy room voice. Jen: Lena Horne singing a little Stormy Weather, which should have been the dead people song.

Jen: Oh, Anne Hathaway's (6th? 7th?) dress is a long, plasticy purple column. Myles: Hillary Swank is always so bony. Rosie: Hillary Swank could kill me with her bare hands. Rosie: Best Director being presented by Hillary Swank and Kathryn Bigelow. Jen: The King's Speech wins for Best Director! Does this mean King's is in for best picture? I'm guessing Social Network has it. Rosie: I think the King's Speech has it locked down. Jen: I love "triangle of man love" as an expression. Tom Hooper says it's him, Rush, and Colin Firth. Jen: "He didn't just break the rules, he ran them over in a stolen car." Rosie: None of us know who the man accepting an award now is. Jen: So many triangles of man-love, so little time. I have no idea what just happened but it was sweet and lovely.

Rosie: Jeff Bridges is here. Looking handsome. Jen: Looking rugged. I love Annette Bening. Rosie: Ok, we're talking about Best Actress. Myles: Natalie Portman better win this. Rosie: I think this is going to be Annette Bening. Myles: Or she isn't really the swan queen Jen: Nicole Kidman...does she even have a chance? Rosie: Nicole is trying so hard to move her face. Myles: I like how Jeff Bridges is etting really personal with the nominees Jen: "that reality is as painful as trying to move your face." Rosie: No offense to Jennifer Lawrence, she was good, but Winter's Bone was a snooze. Jen: I think it's going to be Natal. Rosie: Michelle Williams does not know how to dress for awards shows. Remember that beige flowery thing she wore at the Golden Globes? Jen: OH, yeah, it had daisies. Rosie: Best Actress goes ot Natalie Portman! Jen: You can't deny a pregnant lady her pickles. Myles: Or paint chips! Jen: Will Natalie laugh awkwardly or say the A-word? Natalie's most important role: concealing a fetus beneath her dress. Rosie: Hasn't laughed yet. Feels wrong. Jen: Or golden statuettes.

Rosie: Not liking Hathaway's dress or new wig. Jen: Sandy Bullock! She won for the Blind Side, remember that?

Rosie: Javier Bardem haircut jokes. Myles: Sandra Bullock needs a better weave. Jen: WOW. It looks like she got out of the pool. Rosie: Addressing Jeff Bridges as "Dude" is not funny when Sandra Bullock does it. Jen: Sandra Bullock "duding" Bridges. Feels icky. Also, lapses into country accent. She's really proving her Oscar cred. BEST ACTOR.....

Myles: I feel like Jesse Eisenberg is the angstiest tween to be nominated for an Oscar Jen: Even more so than Jonathan Lipnicki? WE ALL WANT COLIN FIRTH TO WIN Rosie: COLIN FIRTH. James Franco. Host. Nominee. Renaissance man. Jen: YESSSSSS. Colin Firth Colin Firth Colin Firth. Rosie: COLIN FIRTH wins Best Actor! Charming acceptance speech. Jen: He is perfection. Myles: So best actor and best director = best picture for sure right? Rosie: I think it's looking that way. Unless we get a surprise Social Network win.

Rosie: Steven Spielberg to present Best Picture. We made it. Myles: Toy Story 3 or Black Swan are my favorite but King's Speech is so going to win Rosie: I want Black Swan but it's gonna be King's Speech. You know what? I kind of want Inception. Jen: The King's Speech gets overlaid over the rest of the movie clips? Rosie: Winner. Jen: Social Network, Black Swan, Inception, Winter's Bone, 127 Hours, Toy Story 3, The Fighter, The Kids Are All Right, True Grit. Rosie: KING'S SPEECH WINS BEST PICTURE Myles: No surprises there Rosie: Very predictable Oscars!

Jen: This was actually a rather boring Oscars. Myles: Oh it was fun! Rosie: Tony (ed. note: our beloved editor) tweets, "Is this a funeral?" Jen: it's true, did you see Helena Bonham Carter's face? Very depressed. Rosie: Anne Hathaway dress update: body sock with glitter. Jen: Signing off...Franco is keeping it slurry. OH NO. Rosie: Stage overrun by fifth grade choir. Singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Myles: Staten Island represent! Rosie: They have them doing this creepy cultlike swaying. Oscar winners flood stage. Jen: I know! I think I saw a jazz hand. Randy Newman just laughed at a kid. Rosie: Melissa Leo yelling "Fuck!" Anne Hathaway getting a little shouty. Jen: Anne Hathaway high fiving like a maniac. Myles: Having all of the winners onstage right now is just a big fuck you to all the losers right? Jen: CUT TO THE HOTEL COMMERCIAL, STAT. Rosie: So it's over right? Or are there like 8 more sound awards. Jen: 11 minutes over. Done and done. Myles: Could've been worse! Jen: Now...let's live blog the local news. Myles: Wonder if James Franco gets to Winter's Bone Anne Hathaway now that it's over sorry didn't get to use that all night Jen: OVER AND OUT.

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