Our 5-Point Plan to Save Tiger Woods from Ambulances, Porn Stars, Etc.

Inc. magazine has a few PR pros advise (in absentia) Tiger Woods on how to "fix his image." Their advice is either too general ("Go through the short-term trauma and be done with it") or, given the world in which we live, out of the question ("I would recommend that he be real and authentic by telling the truth").

We have no PR expertise to speak of, though we did talk our way into this job and that has to count for something. Now that the scandal has become a clown car of degrading details, Team Tiger should a consider fresh approach, and we're just the outside-the-box imagineers to give it to them. Herewith the 5 things Tiger can do right now to stanch the flow of derisory ink:

1. Problem: "Woman Transported To Hospital After 911 Call From Tiger Woods' Home"
Solution: Blame the media.

Tiger should immediately issue this statement:

"The toll of constant hounding by the press has finally caught up with Consuela Jerez, our beloved housekeeper of five years. Consuela has been like a member of our family, sharing our lives, eating meals with us and joining our weekend games of Pictionary. We are also paying her four sons' way through Catholic school. She is a simple woman who has taken the media onslaught very hard, despite Elin's and my assurances that the stories are all lies or exaggerations. Today Consuela in her grief took several diet pills from Elin's medicine cabinet. She is expected to recover, and we hope everyone involved has learned a valuable lesson about devoting news resources to the private lives of productive citizens that should be devoted to covering our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan."

Update: So it was his mother-in-law. Just change the name, and the Catholic school tuition to frequent trips to the Bahamas.

2. Problem: "Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren moves out after reports of mistresses, according to site"
Solution: Blame the victim.

How many of you knew Elin Nordegren's name before this all went down? What do you know about her now? That she's pretty, and a woman scorned. That's a big plus for her but, as unscrupulous divorce attorneys have been proving for centuries, it leaves a lot of wiggle room for innuendo, suggestive of a failed marriage from which a heroic character like Tiger, in his simple star-athlete need, might understandably stray.

No need to be indelicate. Tiger can suggest his wife had grown cold to him, like Tracy in The Philadelphia Story. People love that movie. (And say, didn't Tracy break Dexter's golf clubs?) "My, she was yar" may not work -- too nautical. "My, she was a good lie" or "My, she was the Boss of the Moss"? We'll work on it. Then, accounts of years of drift, excessive wearing of sunglasses, and, finally, the dramatic confession that Tiger really injured his knee begging for sex.

 

3. Problem: "Reports link porn star with Tiger Woods as mistress tally climbs"
Solution: Tiger was actually taking acting lessons from her.

It's not like Holly Sampson never had a legit career. She was on The Wonder Years! And Tiger can't play golf forever -- well, he could, but his restless, poetic nature draws him to the lively arts. He can't ask his celebrity friends, and unknown actors might blab to the press. If you can't trust a porn star with your secrets, who can you trust? A spec script of Caddyshack IV: What You Mean, Wrong Hole? should be planted, as well as video of Tiger pretending to be a tree.

 

4. Problem: "Tiger Woods Considering Going on Oprah Winfrey Show"
Solution: Switch to Mike'd Up

No, no, no. Oprah's is not your audience. Those bored, embittered housewives all want to kill you. Go on a local sports show. First of all, a lot of people are vague on the fact that golf is actually a sport. Think of all the fans you're leaving on the table! And going local shows becoming modesty. Offer Mike Francesa an exclusive, and contract with WNBC to release to other outlets only the most flattering footage -- and there will be plenty, especially if we tell Francesa the Mets are scouting you. Also, have Mike let you do the Two Minute Drill, and make it all about your favorite beer, vintage sports car, and Led Zeppelin album. You'll be a regular guy by the first station break.

 

Our 5-Point Plan to Save Tiger Woods from Ambulances, Porn Stars, Etc.

5. Problem: "Tiger Woods Nude in Playgirl: Possibly Coming Soon!"
Solution: It was a Tiger Woods impersonator.

There are such people, and you know they're not making a lot of money at malls and bar mitzvahs. How hard can it be to get one of them to "confess"?

When all else fails: Retreat into Ambien for a few years and emerge from rehab as a Great American Comeback Story.


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