Pimp His Ride: Suggestions for Andrew Cuomo's Campaign RV
Not Cuomo's actual BT Cruiser
RVs: They're not just for Middle America anymore. In fact, Andrew Cuomo, the very Cuomo who's running for governor of New York (and the boyfriend of the Food Network's Sandra Lee) will be cruising 'cross the U.S. in a Gulf Stream this summer for an 11-day campaign tour. The New York Times got a look inside, and told us about it. Have you ever seen the classic MTV service program "Pimp My Ride"? Well, we were sad to see that Cuomo's ride was not very pimpin' at all. A gov must pimp, at least a little (just not, like, Eliot Spitzer levels)! Herewith, a few suggestions:
The external attributes: Cuomo's BTouring Cruiser XL Gulf Stream is, well, plain, white, and boring. It has none of the pizzazz that a possible future governor of the great state of New York deserves. What about decals replicating a classic stars-and-stripes pattern, to denote patriotism, or maybe camo for the times he needs a quick escape from the prying press? There's also studding the whole thing with Swarovski crystals, but that can be seen as show-offy. Save the faux diamonds for the inside, but do invest in "sweet rims" and perhaps a discreet "Too Phat" bumper sticker.
The basics inside:
Cuomo's got everything you need to sleep, eat, chill, and pee: a bed, a bathroom, a (beige, overstuffed) couch, a breakfast nook. What he doesn't have is BLING. This is where you go crazy with the Swarovski, or at least get some awesome black leather interiors. I mean, you're a bachelor, even if your three daughters are coming along for the tour. Beige? Overstuffed? Nooks? Not pimpin'. Also, per MTV Cribs, you really should install a pool table and walk-in wine fridge. Details are everything: Nothing says "pimp" like a gold-plated toilet seat.
The perks: The Gulf Stream already features two TVs (we only had an eight-track in our Winnebago!) plus a DVD player and hardwood cabinetry. Still, there's a lot of room for improvement. Are those TVs plasma? We thought not. Are they 42-inch? Why, frankly, bother with two common-man televisions and a DVD player when you can outfit the entire room like a private movie theater, with surround sound and fucking awesome speakers? And while the carpeting is described as "plush," we wonder: HOW PLUSH IS IT? Is it as plush as a cashmere sweater knitted by blind nuns in Peru?
The drawbacks: "No Jacuzzi," Mr. Cuomo said. Plus, the air conditioner was on the fritz when the Times visited. And while the A/C thing can work in one's favor for pimpin'-ness (a little unbuttoned shirt, a little chest hair), the Jacuzzi situation must be fixed. Make sure it has cupholder armrests.
As the Gulf Stream idled, they shuffled cards and sipped on Capri Suns. Mr. Cuomo, his blazer shed, lounged on a beige overstuffed couch and basked in their company. The R.V., Mr. Cuomo noted, was an ideal vehicle for combining family sightseeing with a campaign tour.
Sigh. So not pimpin'. But as Cuomo contemplates "the road ahead," he says, "The concept is alluring. I'm not sure about the practicality of it. But the concept is...alluring." Maybe there's hope?
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