Politico Reveals The Secrets of "Obama's Hand"
Well, it's about time: Politico covers "The Power of Obama's Hand." Apparently our new President's Hand works its will not with charisma and intelligence, but with the aggressive, alpha-male "squeeze on the biceps" and the counterintuitive "pat on the shoulder or the tap on the back that signals the displeasure of the commander in chief." Take the case of Joe Biden, who incurred the Wrath of Obama's Hand and "immediately felt his boss's disapproval, in the form of Obama's fingers on his back." In one week, he will be dead, and doctors will never discover the cause. Other enemies it dispatches with "shoulder pats so emphatic as to be audible." A former FBI agent "specializing in non-verbal communication" explains the source of the Obama's Hand's power: it "releases the chemical oxytocin." Obama's Hand is also verbal and complex, as when it told Joe the Plumber "'Don't interrupt me,' but it also said, 'Hear me out, friend.'" Clearly we are powerless against this monster, and must give it $819 billion -- no wait, $887 billion -- alright, whatever it says!
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