Rightbloggers Have Turkey of a Thanksgiving, Thanks to Godless Obama, Discount Abortions
We hope all our readers had a wonderful Thanksgiving. If it wasn't everything you'd hoped, console yourself with this: At least you're not a rightblogger. They seemed to have a miserable time.
There were a couple of reasons why (ahem) but adding special butthurt to their 2012 holiday was Obama's Thanksgiving address, in which the Kenyan Pretender not only refused to acknowledge his treason and resign, but also failed to thank God and Jesus for killing the Injuns so white people and their slaves could live in America.
The President did say, in reference to Hurricane Sandy victims, that "there but for the grace of God go I," and that "the idea that I am my brother's keeper; that I am my sister's keeper - has always been a part of what makes our country special," but this teaching of Jesus is not one rightbloggers generally acknowledge as legitimate. (Also the addition of "sister's keeper" may have struck them as sacrilegiously gender-neutral.)
Ben Shapiro at Breitbart.com referred to the "grace of God" bit as a "hackneyed aphorism, used constantly by this president for communitarian sloganeering," as opposed to the invocations of the Almighty used by conservative politicians in their speeches. Shapiro further informed us that this was the fourth straight Godless Obama Thanksgiving; he did allow that "in 2010, Obama was closer, but still missed the mark ('we'll spend some time taking stock of what we're thankful for: the God-given bounty of America...')," but apparently the hyphen renders all God-mentions null and void.
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Shapiro saw more God in Obama's Thanksgiving proclamations, "which he does not read or speak. Those are filled with God - at least for the last three years. In his first year, filled with the vim and vigor of his original election, Obama preferred to eschew any direct thanking of God even in his proclamation... Of course, nobody sees these proclamations, so Obama doesn't have to be embarrassed about them." You see the pattern: Obama is keeping God on the down-low. Thank God the Breitbart crew is around to expose it.
The story expectedly got even more garbled further along the rightblogger telephone line; "The President's remarks were totally void of any religious references," burbled William E. Lewis Jr. at RedState, "although Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God. "He forgot to thank God," said the reliably confused Jim Hoft of Gateway Pundit. "He forgot to mention God." Perhaps Hoft forgot to read the transcript.
At FrontPageMag, Daniel Greenfield went further still: "Obama Erases God from Thanksgiving," he claimed, which seems strange as everywhere we went on Thanksgiving day, stores were playing Christmas carols chock-full of the Child shivering in the cold and whatnot. "Who exactly are we supposed to be thankful to? " continued Greenfield. "It's unknown. Possibly Obama, as in the Soviet slogan, 'Thank you, Comrade Stalin for our happy childhood.'" (The Thanksgiving Prayer to Obama has not caught on in our neighborhood; perhaps it is an outlier.)
But take heart, citizens: "No evil endures forever," said Greenfield. "Perhaps in four years, we will even have our religious freedom restored again." Till then we may warm ourselves with the Thanksgiving messages of George W. Bush, God-rich passages from which Greenfield lovingly reproduced. If only Romney had allowed Bush to read them aloud at the 2012 Republican Convention! The outcome of the election might have been greatly changed.
"He called the very first Thanksgiving a 'celebration of community,'" spat Todd Stearns at Fox Nation, and instead of God Obama's address "references the Civil War, two World Wars, and the Great Depression - noting that 'Americans drew strength from each other.'" Well, Lincoln "said the nation drew its strength from God," and who's better, Lincoln or Obama? There, God wins.
"Screw God, Thank the State!" interpreted Cassy Fiano of Victory Girls. Obama "did, however, ask Americans to band together behind his administration," Fiano said. "Because, you know, that's what Thanksgiving is all about: being thankful for the government."
At the Charlotte Examiner, Susan Stallings tied Obama's sort-of-Godless Thanksgiving to the death of one of last year's Presidentially-pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys, named Peace.
"Oddly," reported Stallings, "one of the turkeys pardoned last year was euthanized Monday, said an official, insisting that the timing had no connection to Thanksgiving 'Peace' came down with a mystery 'illness' over the weekend and died after spending a year at Mount Vernon Estate, the historic home of George Washington, which is where [current pardonees] Cobbler and Gobbler will live out their days, supposedly."
Or so the Main Stream Media would have you believe, but Stallings' qualifiers and scare quotes blinked out a Morse Code message of cover-up! She added, "Speaking metaphorically, Peace was euthanized long before this past Monday." Again she didn't make plain what she meant, but did mention that Obama and his family ate a turkey at Thanksgiving, adding, "mixed messages from Obama, as per usual, not unlike the turkeys pardoned and those served up on silver platters." Everything about him is a lie!
Favorite part: The literal "sheeple." It's like Free Republic for Children!
Scared Monkeys dug deeper. "[Obama] went on to say that, 'no dream is too big if they're willing to work for it,'" they noted. A non-controversial statement, you say? Not out of the mouth of Black Hitler! "Work for it?" cried Scared Monkeys. "What message has Obama ever sent that people should work hard for things? Instead he penalizes and punishes those who have worked hard and made something of themselves. Obama looks to tax the producers, the small business owner and redistribute their money to the moochers," rage fume scream, "The most polarizing and divisive president ever now wants every one to come together as if he never ignited the fuse... America has many things to be thankful for, Barack Obama is not one of them."
After that we wonder if these cowboys had the strength to stuff down a turkey dinner. We're guessing they did, and if they couldn't keep it down, that too would be the fault of the Pretender. It's Barack Bulimia!
Some of the brethren withdrew from this vital struggle and found others ways to be miserable on this, the first Thanksgiving of the second Obama Dark Age.
Some went with a bitter sort of humor. The Conservative Muse addressed "An Obama Thanksgiving" poetically (as is his wont: "exposing the folly of liberalism through satirical poetry" is his tagline). Here's his stanza for African-Americans:
Our first black president has graced his people with this plight:
An economy so bad their unemployment's reached new height.
But dependency on welfare is a status He condones;
Along with checks and food stamps He hands out Obama phones.
Alexander Pope just corkscrewed straight out of Twickenham. At American Thinker, Dr. Jeffrey Folks wondered what Winston Churchill would think if he were alive at Thanksgiving 2012, and answered himself: "Certainly, Churchill would have us enjoy our day of thanksgiving filled with large helpings of turkey, dressing, and professional football," said Dr. Folks. "But he would also interject a moment of somber contemplation... what would disturb him, just as it did in the years before America's entry into WWII, is the sliding of American public opinion toward a posture of isolationism and pacifism -- the same posture of withdrawal from international affairs that led an emboldened Germany and Japan to enter into wars of conquest in Europe and Asia." Regrettably, Dr. Folks did not tell us what Churchill would have thought about Skrillex and Honey Boo Boo, which we're sure you'll agree would be more interesting and no less believable.
Several of the brethren consoled themselves with the old rightblogger story about how the Pilgrims were doomed by communism until Jesus brought them capitalism ("Today is Thanksgiving, and there is much to be thankful for. Not least on the list is the institution of private property, without which the Pilgrims might not have survived..."). Which is bullshit, but you knew that.
Most, though, remained in a post-election funk and took it out on Thanksgiving.
Walter Russell Mead treated his holiday readers to a long letter in which a pissed-off father yells at his adult children for their "series of poor 'copulation driven' decisions at key turning points in their lives" and other failings. Why did Mead think this was appropriate Thanksgiving material? "This holiday weekend when many of us are spending time with family," he explained, "it's worth asking ourselves what are we doing to avoid either getting an email like this or having to send one. Even in a culture devoted to self esteem and success, lives can go wrong in very dismal ways, and it's worth stepping back every now and then to get a reality check." Or maybe, when things aren't going your way politically, fantasies of vengeance against people whose feelings you can still hurt are the best comfort you can come up with.
"With our culture in full collapse and our constitutional freedoms in tattered ruins," wept John Harris of Intellectual Conservative, "Republican luminaries tell us to be good sports and let the butchers of our values enjoy their prize." But Harris sees things as they really are. "The United States of America, as a coherent society, is dead," he declared. But "we still have a little time to make lifeboats out of driftwood." Though "justice has been raped over and over before our eyes, the rule of rule lies in shreds, decency has been chased deep into hiding, free speech is menaced with arrest and jail, grandmothers are being sent to cheap graves on cheap pain pills," etc., true patriots know how to keep Thanksgiving in the ObamaHitler2 era, according to Harris:
"Thanksgiving should be a day of shame, and a day of new resolution. We have squandered what God has given us, and as of this moment most of us continue to evade the unpleasant reality that burns our eyes even through their closed lids."
To redeem themselves, patriots should follow Harris' "specific recommendations," e.g., "don't allow your children to work in or for this government... Support and encourage a strong state resistance to dictatorial top-down policies.. If you are the owner of a small business... Don't try to expand and prosper in spite of everything: don't offer this regime any propaganda fodder in its ongoing effort to sell an idiot populace on the 'recovery.'" And, of course, "Arm yourself... keep having children. Our new rulers want you to die, ideologically and demographically. Don't play along. Make vibrant families, and feed them on peanuts and spuds from the back yard, if you must... Stop going to movies, and stop buying anything connected with Propa-Tainment Complex." Etc. So, neighbors, if you're wondering why Harris isn't getting out much these days, it's not paranoid delusions like that government-stooge shrink said, but love of country.
Hey, leave Ron Paul out of it.
Darleen Click of Protein Wisdom claimed to be "pretty happy that my immediate family is pretty cohesive in our political outlook, and I look forward to sitting with my dad while the two of us try to outdo each other in mocking the intellectually-bereft Left." Nonetheless she also posted the heated emails she'd been trading with a liberal ex-friend, running over 4,000 words and ending, "I did NOT ask your 'permission' to write about this exchange. Since I will remove all identifying information, I'm free to share with others. All I asked was if you wanted a link to it." Yeah, that sounds like a happy holiday scene.
Well, maybe she was happier on Black Friday. After all, pumped by Thanksiving-night store openings, sales were around $59 billion -- online sales exceeded $1 billion for the first time, and the Dow went back over 13,000. That's got to be good for the economy, and -- oh, right, Kenyan pretender, never mind.
In fact, few rightbloggers who did not have affiliate marketing deals expressed happiness over the big sales -- except insofar as it represented a rebuke to Wal-Mart workers striking for better pay. "Essentially, this protest was held by the typical left wing agitators who loath WalMart," explained William Teach of Right Wing News, "and are really upset that WalMart offers good at a low cost or something. And aren't unionized." "Wal-Mart Whiners -- 30 Million Willing to Work Your Job," announced Conservative Daily News. "Black Friday Walmart Protests Reek of Obama White House," gibbered Jim Hoft.
And besides, a news report went around that a Planned Parenthood outlet in Florida was offering a Black Friday discount on office visits, which the brethren immediately reinterpreted as discount abortions! "Planned Parenthood Offers Black Friday Discounts on Abortions" headlined (naturally) Jim Hoft; "PLANNED PARENTHOOD OFFERS BLACK FRIDAY DISCOUNTS ON ABORTIONS," hollered Human Events ("It's an Obama world... Now you can go shopping and then go in and kill your baby"); "Discount Death," yowled Robert Stacy McCain; "Planned Parenthood Offers Black Friday Discounts on Murder Of Unborn," extrapolated the David Brooks faves at Front Porch Republic; etc. (Oh, well, it's not like they haven't tried it before.)
Misery, anti-abortion ravings, and expressions of contempt for the government on national holidays -- that's a recipe for conservative comeback, all right. But wait a bit: We're now headed into Christmas -- or rather, as it's known around rightblogger world, the War on Christmas. If you have a sense of humor, these should indeed be some Happy Holidays.
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