Sexy Gift Guide 2005
Since 1926, Neiman Marcus has published its famed Christmas Book (neimanmarcus.com), a catalog of unique, over-the-top gifts that ordinary people can't afford. The most expensive presents are those in the fantasy section, and this year the offers are extraordinary, including a His & Hers Custom Photobooth for a mere $20,000; a custom "Tree Sculpture" (translation: a very fancy, very pricey tree house) by artist Roderick Romero beginning at $50,000; an IndyCar Series Simulator for $65,000; and a private Elton John concert priced at $1.5 million (all proceeds go to the Elton John AIDS Foundation).
Retailers fear that holiday spending will be down this year. With so much disaster and devastation around the world and in our own backyard, the image of Santa dragging around a bloated red bag seems kind of insensitive. I was ambivalent about doing my annual guide to the best in kinky gadgets and goodies. Then I saw the Christmas Book, and all was put into perspective: I'll dedicate my list to pure fantasy, the most luxurious, outrageous, decadent sexy gifts.
For your smut lover, commission a 5,000-word Custom Erotic Story written to your specifications along with a custom Craig Morey photograph (customeroticasource.com, $725). Or treat a literary perv to a first edition of Pauline Reage's The Story of O (abebooks.com, $1,680).
You can't go wrong with designer lingerie from Agent Provocateur, like the Spellbound Bra and Suspender Brief or the Rivoli Teddy and French Knicker (agentprovocateur.com, $225, $305). While you're there, pick up a Leather Whip with Swarovski diamanté-encrusted handle for only $225. Or look into the handmade Leather Bondage Belt from Coco de Mer (coco-de-mer-shop.co.uk, $560). Did you know that many of the products at this famed London boutique, like the leather handcuffs from Brazil, are certified as fairly traded? I, for one, feel better knowing that I don't have to abandon my politics just to buy overpriced s/m gear.
For those who love to put their initials everywhere, invest in a Custom Pyrex Glass Dildo With Internal Monogram (clearecstasy.com, starting at $219.99). Or go with a classic toy: the Hitachi Magic Wand and Gee Whiz Attachment (babeland.com, $102). And nothing says tradition like a nine-foot, early-20th-century Japanese Scroll with ink and watercolor sketches of a blind man's fucking contest that, well, defies description (eroticrarities.com, $5,100).
The perfect presents for the discriminating ass-sex lover in your life: The Juicer (babeland.com, $199), a handblown glass dildo, Freshwater Pearl Anal Beads (coco-de-mer-shop.co.uk, $253), and a 14-karat gold Female Derriere Ring (eroticrarities.com, $800). For the enema lover who has everything, I suggest a Clear Silicone Enema Bag With Accessories and a Clear Silicone Heavy-Duty Double Balloon Enema Nozzle (bethtyler.com, $380).
Porn fans will love this: Adult Video News came up with its own list of the top 101 adult videos of all time. Purchase 71 of them, including The Opening of Misty Beethoven, The Devil in Miss Jones , and The Adventures of Buttman, in one place (adultdvdempire.com, $1,295.25). Timothy Greenfield-Sanders made a splash with his book XXX: 30 Porn-Star Portraits this year: Get all 30 16x20 diptychs from the book, or buy just one set (maryboonegallery.com, $450,000 or $15,000, respectively). Here are two self-help gifts: Help unleash someone's inner stripper with Sheila Kelley's S Factor Striptease and Pole Dancing Workout, the eight-week course (sfactor.org, $440$480), or an inner Master or Mistress at the Erotic Dominance Course at the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts (sm-arts.com, $600).
Your futon creaks when your guy fucks you really hard or the silk scarves slip to ruin your kidnapping fantasy? Solve two problems with one gift: a Custom-made Bondage Bed from Mr. S Leather (mr-s-leather.com, starting at $2,795). For more restraint, consider a Latex Locking Inflatable Straight Jacket which promises "great fun in a pool, they're like life vests . . . you float head up like a cork!" (baroness.com, $800). And if that's not enough, then order a Locking Steel Cage for your favorite slave (erosboutique.com, $1,550).
In search of a dungeon-warming gift? The LuvSeat is a sex chair with hydraulics and handlebars to make getting into wacky positions a little easier (erosboutique.com, $795). Or go for the sleek, modern look of Liberator Shapes, like the Esse Chair and the Scoop. The soft, velvety covers of these firm pillow-like shapes are machine washable. Get one of each (liberatorshapes.com, $1,125), or give the gift that gives and gives: the unflappable fucking machine known as The Sybian, with enough horsepower to satisfy the most multi-orgasmic woman on earth (sybian.com, $1,395).
24K gold plated Yva vibrator
photo: Courtesy of Lelo
Don't know what to get Donald and Melania Trump for the holidays? Go for the 18-karat gold-plated Yva Vibrator by Lelo ( lelousa.com , $1,300)it's rechargeable, super-quiet, and sure to match every room in their penthouse! If you're more of a fur-and-diamonds type, you want British-based artist Shiri Zinn's Minx Vibrator : Made of high-quality pink acrylic, it features Swarovski crystals, a detachable fox-fur tail (or feathers for the vegan), and its own silver stand ( coco-de-mer-shop.co.uk , $1,884). If you're not ready to commit to a four-digit vibe purchase, you can always opt for the waterproof silicone Ida Vibe , also made by Lelo ( goodvibes.com , $169). Equally posh and stunning is Le Lynx , a hypoallergenic silver titanium vibrator that comes in its own lockable attaché case ( babeland.com , $349).
Indulge a loved one's fantasy with a signed first edition of Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov (abebooks.com, $45,000). Or surprise your bi-curious honey with a travel adventure. Send her on a Wild Women Vacation at the all-inclusive Jamaican resort Hedonism III. Producers say it's not a swinger event, declaring, "This is not about the men. It's all about empowering women." (wildwomenvacations.com, $2,086-$2,408 for seven days plus airfare). Or book a private, clothing-optional, swinger-friendly or queer-friendly luxury cruise to the Caribbean (inthewild.org, starting at $4,950 per couple). Condoms, gloves, lube, and baby wipes not included.
Please visit puckerup.com.
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