Studies in Crap: Left Behind visionary Tim LaHaye's "penetrating" look at The Unhappy Gays
Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
The Unhappy Gays
Author: Tim LaHaye
Publisher: Tyndale House
The Cover Promises: Gayness is a rusty, wormy chain.
- "Homosexuals are regularly disinterested in gainful employment - their interest is sex, not work. Besides, when a man overindulges his sex glands, he doesn't have much energy left." (page 35)
- "The lenient attitude of many college administrators is appalling. They often make no attempt to fire known homosexuals from their faculty." (page 198)
In the first pages of this moronic howl of a book, apocalypse profiteer and disdainer of lady-stink Tim LaHaye explains that "the homosexual epidemic" of the late 1970s is in some ways all his fault.
"Something strange is going on in America! My wife and I had been out of the country only nine months, holding family life seminars in forty-two countries around the world, but we noticed it immediately. Arriving in San Diego on a Sunday, I looked through my mail and found two letters from lesbians and four from homosexuals."
Yes, denied his masculine example, America went gay. That's from the first chapter, which LaHaye -- always eager to help your Crap Archivist out -- titles "The Homosexual Explosion."
Just a page later, he explains how his editor talked him into taking on a book like this: "Wendell Hawley of Tyndale House remarked, 'The Christian community needs a penetrating book on homosexuality.'"
And so, eager to penetrate, fluffed up with outrage, LaHaye was ready to take on "the homosexual subculture."
First, though, he had to understand it. Here, he lays out key terms in the gay vocabulary. Note that, in doing so, he dares to out Hollywood's best-loved Scientologist.
Elsewhere in "The Homosexual Explosion," LaHaye:
- Comforts a concert violinist when she complains "I'm surrounded by them in the city orchestra --the director and over half of the musicians prefer men to women!"
- Outs DaVinci, Michaelangelo, Shakespeare, Auden, and Whitman, sniffing "many of them considered to be artistic geniuses"
- muses, in the ruins of a Pompeian bathhouse, "Shades of New York City, San Francisco, and San Diego"
- Puts love in sarcastic quotation marks when writing "homosexual 'love'"
- Sputters with disgust and disbelief that "a shouting crowd of angry gays" would dare protest singer Anita "At Least It's a Fruit Pie" Bryant's rallies to overturn a Dade County, Florida's anti-gay discrimination law
For much of the book, LaHaye discuses the "unhappiness" of homosexuals, the rare population that does not enjoy being called an abomination.
He warns "Homosexuals get extremely 'testy' about the straight person's tendency to put him in a neat little stereotyped package."
Naturally, this observation introduces a field-guide to the four types of gay men: The Faggot Queen, The Closet Queen, The Butch, and The Typical Homosexual. The one unifying factor among them: "An insatiable quest for the erotic." LaHaye claims, "It is not uncommon for a homosexual to 'have sex' with as many as 2,000 different people in a lifetime."
Generally speaking, LaHaye exaggerates his numbers.
"Fifty per cent of the suicides in America can be attributed to homosexuality."
And loves an insult:
"When one takes into account all the heartache and suffering homosexuals cause other innocent people, particularly those who love them the most, it becomes quite clear that homosexuals are usually very selfish people."
And demonstrates little marketing sense.
"A better title than gay rights would be 'abomination of desolations.'"
And lacks the critical capacity to understand that the following two sentences have no business appearing in the same book:
- "We do not wish to persecute homosexuals."
- "Let us hope that straights will wake up to the fact that while they are drinking orange juice, the homosexual community, by militancy and secret political maneuvering, is designing a program to increase the tidal wave of homosexuality that will drown our children in a polluted sea of sexual perversion - and will eventually destroy America as it did Rome, Greece, Pompeii, and Sodom."
Here's one point I'll cede to LaHaye. I bet that most of the gay people who meet him or Anita Bryant do come across as hostile.
Coincidentally, not long after I came across The Unhappy Gays, I lucked into a Salvation Army copy of Bryant's 1970 LP Abide With Me.
The previous owner was not a fan.
Now's a fine time to point out that, unless noted, all Studies in Crap finds are presented as I discovered them.
LaHaye not only believes that gayness is learned. He can do the math and show his work.
Here's a discovery of my own. When I scribble a couple plus signs on this recent list of LaHaye's publications, I have a piece of evidence much more scientific then his gay-addition nonsense!
Oddly, even on a list that includes two previous Studies in Crap classics, LaHaye neglects to include The Unhappy Gays, his nastiest book. It must have been the first to get raptured.
There is none.
Funny as the thought of the Left Behind goon getting all "penetrating" might be, your Crap Archivist understands that the outlandishness of a LaHaye or a Fred Phelps make it all too easy for those who harbor more workaday prejudices to feel reasonable by comparison: "I don't hate anybody," people can say. "I just believe that homosexuals should be denied the basic human right of marriage."
Trust me, America. Such pig-mindedness will make the Obama era an irresistible target for the Crap Archivists of the future.
And, once more, just for the memories:
[The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.]
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