Studies in Crap Meets Doctor Morrison, That Noted Believer In the Electric Power of Pubic Hair
Doctor Morrison's Miracle Body Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Health
Author: Marsh Morrison, D.C., Ph.C, F.I.C.C.
Publisher: Parker Publishing, West Nyack, New York
Discovered at: Thrift store
"The Female Has A 'Little Penis' Also." (Section heading, page 117).
"Another way to build strength into the muscles of the vagina is to place a large coin between the buttocks and walk around gripping the coin between 'the cheeks of the posterior.' (page 129)
Staggering between holistic common sense and the most peculiar of rubbish, Doctor Morrison's Miracle Body Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Healthconcerns advice on the elimination of hunchbackedness, treating a prostate by sitting on a hot water bottle, and how "counter-gravitational drills" can improve any woman's "skinny flat-chested condition."
Most impressive is "How to Tune Up Your Love Life," a fascinating chapter distinguished by section headings like "What Must A Man Know About A Woman's Parts?", "What Goes On Down There When You're Sexually Aroused?" and the immortal "How Masturbation Helped This Uptight Female Teacher."
[Note: since Dr. Morrison's book offers no images, I am illustrating this post with fifties "Coital Posture Diagrams."]
Dr. Morrison professes the importance of that lady-penis. That said, he writes bitchily of the unsatisfied female patients who have complained to him, over the years, of their husbands' tendency to "ride low":
"By this they meant that in the conventional male-superior position of sex, the male position was too low to contact and stimulate the clitoris during the in-and-out movements of the act. These women were not on the right track. (I always thought that they didn't much like their mates anyway; for if they did, his 'ride low' position would have been thoroughly satisfactory."
Lesson One: it's women's fault when they don't get off.
From "The Size of the Penis Makes No Difference," here's a defensive Morrison on the subject of men's little clitorises.
"The talk that one hears is to the effect that Negro men are especially large-built or endowed in this respect. The truth is that the black man's penis is usually longer in the relaxed state, but not in any important respect larger than the white man's penis in the erect state . . . It just so happens that when a white man has an erection his penis enlarges much more from the 'soft stage' than is the case with the average black man."
Lesson Two: McCain Wins!
Morrison argues that male impotence is caused by female ridicule and that the key to our daily fight against "gravity" is daily sessions of Primordial Walking: "Pick out the largest room or hallway in your home and walk on all fours, the kind of walking done primordially, by your first ancestors."
His other insights include:
"Stretching and dilating the anal sphincter is a most important technique in gaining a Miracle Tune-Up for Rejuvenated Health . . . All you need to do is obtain a rectal dilator and tube of K-Y jelly, or bottle of vitamin E (wheat germ) oil."
"For some degree of protection against infection, the male can rub a little vinegar onto the glans, or head, of his penis."
"An easy and effective way to strengthen the vaginal muscles involved in gripping the penis is this. Imagine your needing to evacuate the bowels and draw the stool back forcefully."
"When groups of drinking and non-drinking sailors had sex with the same prostitutes, those with alcohol in their blood were infected, while the non-drinking men had no disease after-effects at all. This has been reported with enough sufficiency to give it credibility."
- "Moreover, when I halt the use of condoms, the backaches go away, which is confirmatory evidence of the theory."
Morrison defines sex as "an electro-magnetic interchange between the male and female."
"The electric lunges out and seeks, hunting its ground area - and the male certainly hunts and seeks the female as the place where he wants to be grounded."
Further, "We know that the hair makes electric sparks when we run a comb through it. When the pubic hair of lovers is in contact, with ensuing friction, the electric sparks fly also."
No surprise, then, that he disapproves of condoms:
"Rubber is a non-conductor of electricity; and the rubber condom is guilty of preventing the healthy conduction, or flow, of the male electrical discharges."
Lesson Three: Before making love, rub your socks on the carpet.
Highlight: Dr. Morrison's other books include How to Eat Away Impotence as well as the following:
"One day, Kissinger croaked, 'Please. I am not a mister.'"
"Having struck out with doctors, dentists, and pharmacists, I found myself indulging more prosaic fantasies."
"There are ten stories in the City of Fingerless Men, but nobody could count them."
The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.