Studies in Crap: Rollerskating a Sin, Handholding Permissible "Within the Bounds of Reason"
Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
You Asked For It
Author: Chuck Millhuff
Publisher: Pedestal Press
New Jersey Devils vs. Los Angeles Kings
TicketsTue., Jan. 24, 7:00pm
Brooklyn Nets vs. Miami Heat
TicketsWed., Jan. 25, 7:30pm
New York Rangers vs. Philadelphia Flyers
TicketsWed., Jan. 25, 8:00pm
Seton Hall Pirates Men's Basketball vs. Butler Bulldogs Men's Basketball
TicketsWed., Jan. 25, 8:30pm
Discovered at: Thrift store
The Cover Promises: You asked for it. I mean, if you didn't want it, why did you wear that dress?
"Today, many legitimate things in life have been stained and spoiled by sin. Roller skating is one of them." (page 37)
"Take time to save your children. Ages 10 to 16 and 17 are good years for camping, shopping, fishing, finishing the recreation room, buying a Ping-Pong table, and going to football games with them. Learn how to eat pizza. Make hamburgers. Wear penny loafers, Mom. It will help you save your daughters and sons." (page 56)
In the forward to this collection of tough-minded answers to real kids' questions, Church of the Nazarene top dog Hardy C. Powers promises "Evangelist Chuck Millhuff . . . seeks by every legitimate means to establish communication with youth. He does not patronize to them; he does not talk down to them."
Never mind that explaining that patronize means "talking down to" is itself the height of patronization.
By holding revival sessions with young people, Millhuff achieved the impossible-- establishing contact with the elusive "youth." The next step: communicating to them the evils of make-up and "reading the funnies on Sunday."
You Asked For It
Other illuminating exchanges:
What is wrong with a good religious movie?
You see, the natural lapse of time between "first date and sex act" is about four years. This means you should wait 16 before developing an interest in romance. Then, date in groups. In steps, advance to hand-holding ("This satisfies to some extent, but with time it grows to be old stuff"), and, when you're ready, to "an arm or shoulder around the waist."
The first embrace should follow, and then, much later, the kiss. After this comes a dangerous game he calls "Can You Top This?"
"Dangerous explorations are made . . . Not just hands, arms, but often the whole body is caressed . . . The pace moves at blinding speed. Sexual climax is often talked about, and at times even experienced."
Finally, around age 20, when you are safely married, you're ready. As Millhuff puts it, "The end of the line is reached in an ultimate experience of sexual intercourse."
"End of the line"? "Ultimate"? Enjoy, because it's going to kill you!
Currently based in the Midwest, Millhuff still hosts revivals. Apparently, he considers the internet one of those "legitimate means" to establish communication with the youth.
Visit www.millhuffministries.com, and you'll find fresh, youthful slogans like "Chill out with Jesus! I do!" and the boast "THIS IS NOT YOU FATHERS OLDSMOBILE THIS IS AN APPROACH TO THE REVIVAL MEETING THAT IS AIMED AT CENTURY XXI!"
Sadly, these days he seems better at establishing communication than actually communicating. Clicking on the link "What's Happenin'" opens a page with just two words: "Being Written."
To his credit, he spells "being" with the "g."
The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.
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