Studies in Crap's Presidential Library Face Off! Featuring Is George Bush the Antichrist?
Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Is George Bush the Antichrist? A guide to Armageddon
Author:P. Stephen Hanchett
Publisher: Self-published, obviously.
"Skull & Bones is widely believed to be the American branch of the original German Thule society. That makes Adolph Hitler and George W. Bush more-or-less fraternity brothers." (page 77).
Much like the puppet that dreamed of becoming a boy, or the Zima that ached to become a beverage for grown-ups, a Connecticut fancy boy once pretended to be from Texas. Real Texans found this so hilarious they made him governor.
Then, after watching Rudy, the Supreme Court teamed up with the Make-a-Wish Foundation to give that lunkhead dreamer America's biggest job!
Hilarity ensued, sometimes in books, the place where adults have long hidden important ideas from George W. Bush. This week, your Crap Archivist pits his two most cherished Bush-related tomes against each other. Only the crappiest will prevail!
Taking on P. Stephen Hanchett's left-wing Left Behind-isms is Checkerbee's cheery supermarket cash-in The Bushes: Who Are These People, Anyway?
"He dressed comfortably (often in jeans and cowboy boots), spent his time reading or enjoying time with his family and never tried to be something other than the down-home country boy from Midland that he is." (page 27).
Yes, he never tried to be anything but a good-old boy, except maybe those two times he ran for president.
Anyway, it's face-off time! One book compares our 43rd president to John F. Kennedy. The other compares him to Jim Jones and David Koresh. One never mentions the Yale secret society Skull & Bones. The other often mis-spells skull "S-C-U-L-L."
One book damns Bush as "evil manifested in the world."
The other runs this photo:
One book reveals that Bush's name turns up in the work of Nostradamus:
"Mabus is a combination of MAgog and BUSh, a direct reference to Bush's given name in a Satanic cult. (Bush was named 'Magog' when he joined the Scull and Bones society.) The H in Bush is silent in Latin languages. Homework assignment: If you write down and take the first two letters of Mabus, turn them around 180 degrees, and hold it to the mirror, Mabus becomes gW Bush."
The other reveals that gamma-ray exposure gave Neil Bush super stretchy powers.
Both books indulge in unlikely comparisons. One likens the Bushes to the Kennedys:
Wait, wouldn't that be the third Camelot?
The other compares the Bushes to NAMBLA.
"[Bush's 'compassionate conservatism'] is like a child molester's professed compassion for children. Though a child molester professes a selfless love for children, an even half believes it, his true motive is to feed his own lust. In Bush's case, it's a lust for money and power, whereas in the child molester it's a lust for sex."
Can you identify which book each excerpt is from?
One conjures up the greatest horrors of the ages, comparing Bush to Stalin, Hitler, Hannibal, Nebuchadnezzar, and the early seasons of Survivor.
The other shows horror-master Steven King at work . . .
. . . and ignores Survivor in favor of the more patriotic Love, American Style .
One names Fundamentalism, Empire, Corporations, and World Poverty as the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The other's horse story is even more alarming.
One has allegations of dark conspiracies:
While the other has allegations of dark conspiracies!
"Political observers had a field day with the that the 2000 presidential election wound up in Jeb's home state of Florida. Jeb had promised his brother that he would help with the critical state, and it would have been a real embarrassment for the bushes if George W.'s razor-slim victory hadn't materialized."
Highlight: Of course, these books aren't all crappy. To my surprise, one of them manages to make a valid point every once in a while.
"Even those who don't like him are likely to think him a well-intentioned man who makes a lot of 'stupid' mistakes. But is it stupid to act in such a way to increase the threat of terrorism, when you depend so completely on the threat of terrorism on order to maintain and increase your own power?"
And the other includes a truly terrifying prognostication.
"Besides these impressive young people, there are several other Bushes waiting in the wings, including Jeb Bush's twenty-something daughter Noelle, as well as Marvin's and Dorothy's children. Given the legacy their family members have forged before them, we would not be surprised to see Bushes dotting the political landscape for a long time to come."
These bursts of quality have changed the nature of this contest! After careful deliberation, your Crap Archivist awards the honor of "Crappiest George W. Bush Book" to write-in candidate Bob Woodward for Bush at War, an account so fawning it makes the good folks at Checkerbee look like Woodward & Bernstein.
[The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.]
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