The Best and Worst of Sex 2005
Best Christmas Porn: I'm not one for cheesy holiday-inspired erotica, but Tassy and Halcyon of pinkgasm.com interpret the yuletide spirit for themselves. The self-described sexual superheroes shot a pictorial in which buxom Tassy wore reindeer antlers, Halcyon donned a pink-and-white Santa hat, and a blowjob and other merriment ensued. (Free preview at pinkgasm.citizensex.com; to see it all you must be a member.)
Worst Legal Ruling: In the case of United States v. Extreme Associates, three judges of the Third U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the January 2005 ruling of a District Court judge, reinstating all charges against Extreme Associates and pornographers Rob Black and Lizzy Borden. At issue in this casethe first federal obscenity prosecution in over a decadeis whether Extreme distributed obscene materials through the mail and on the Internet, including now infamous titles like Forced Entry, Cocktails 2, Extreme Teen 24, and Ass Clowns 3.
Craziest Television Show of the Year: Nip/Tuck doesn't just push the envelope when it comes to exploring gender and sexuality. It tears it up, tapes it back together, and sets it on fire. With new bisexual surgeon Quentin Costa, face cream made of semen, transgender characters, sex addicts, erotic humiliation scenes, three-ways, doctor- patient sex, incestuous lust, and a gruesome, disturbing season finale that combined all of it . . . well, haven't I said enough?
Best Lesbian Sex Gossip: British tabloid The Sun reported that Angelina Jolie and Asian butch model Jenny Shimizu, admitted exes, still have an ongoing casual sexual relationship. Shimizu appeared on On Q Live to set the record, um, straight, yet managed to fuel continued speculation.
Strangest Girlie Calendar: Scantily clad women with smokin' bods in provocative poses? One for every month of the year? Check. The girls in the Cofanifunebri Sexy Coffins Calendar pose with the company's main product: coffins (cofanifunebri.it/2005-calendar.htm). It's not a goth thing.
Worst Use of Taxpayer Dollars: Republican senator Sam Brownback convened three different hearings of Senate subcommittees on the dangers of porn, including one called "Why the Government Should Care About Pornography: The State Interest in Protecting Children and Families." These incredibly biased hearings were full of anti-porn panelists; requests to speak from free-speech advocates were denied. Brownback wants to show that adult entertainment is damaging to society. At one such hearing, Brigham Young University sociologist Jill Manning testified that porn causes people to masturbate, which stimulates a specific kind of brain activity that could lead to a loss of judgment. She also claimed that porn increases the risk of divorce, decreases intimacy, and creates misconceptions about group sex, bestiality, and sadomasochistic activity.
Hottest Pregnant Supermodel: While plenty of celebrities got knocked up this year, Project Runway host Heidi Klum was the sexiest, most fashionable, and most fuckable mama-to-be. On the red carpet wearing Donna Karan, or butt-naked in the pages of Vitals Woman, Klum must have driven sales of preggo porn through the roof.
Best Revenge of Online Daters: In 2005 both match.com and Yahoo Personals faced federal fraud lawsuits filed by dissatisfied online daters. In the match.com suit, a subscriber accused the company of sending one of its female employees on a date with him as "date bait." The plaintiff in the Yahoo case alleges that Yahoo created fake profiles and sent fake matches to him to persuade him to be a paying member. Both cases are seeking class action status and are still pending.
Oddest New Sex Blog: Flip Flop Erotic (flipfloperotic.blogspot.com) is a homoerotic blog dedicated to "men and their feet in flip flops or sandals." It features fashion ad campaigns, candid photos, toe hair close-ups, and entries all about men's feet as well as heady features like "History of the Modern Sandal in Asia."
Best New Video Game Prototype: Designer Heather Kelly (moboid.com) developed Lapis, a video game she calls "a stealthy primer on female sexual pleasure," which won the Sex in Games Design Challenge at the Montreal Game Summit. The game revolves around bunny-esque creatures. Says Kelly, "The creatures are analogous to female erogenous zones, and by making them happypetting them on the ears, tickling them on the nose, putting them in a good environment, singing to them, etc., you can fly through gorgeous fantasy environments and take each creature to its 'happy place.' "
Bonehead Award: Fundamentalists rallied to block the release of a vaccine for the human papillomavirus (HPV). As many as one in 10 people in the U.S. has HPV, and recently, scientists proved that it's responsible for at least 70 percent of cases of cervical cancer. "Giving the HPV vaccine to young women could be harmful because they may see it as a license to engage in premarital sex," said Bridget Maher of the Family Research Council. Her logic astounds me.
Best New Museum: Naomi Wilzig opened the World Erotic Art Museum in Miami Beach. The Jewish grandmother, who'd been writing about and collecting erotic art for 15 years, decided to showcase her 4,000 pieces, which include centuries-old Japanese "pillow books," ancient fertility figures from Africa and Indonesia, and the giant phallus sculpture from A Clockwork Orange, as well as erotic paintings from around the world.
Best News for Unemployed Chippendales Dancers: Heidi Fleiss has filed for a brothel license in Nevada to open a whorehouse called Heidi's Stud Farm that will cater exclusively to women. If the Nye County Liquor and Licensing Board grants her a license, it will be the first place of its kind in America. HBO plans for Doghouse, a reality show about it, will surely follow.
The Reverse-Reverse Cowgirl Award (for Crossing From Hollywood Into Porn Instead of the Other Way Around): Saving Private Ryan star and convicted Heidi Fleiss abuser Tom Sizemore became the latest celebrity to star in homemade porn. They could have called it Saving Ryan's Privates, but that title was already taken. So The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal would have to do.
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