Tuesday, December 31, 2002 at 4 a.m.
I am wearing a floor-length silver gown as I write this to celebrate the end of another year. As this one comes to a close, I look back on sex stories, creations, and people that made headlines or didn't, but deserve recognition.
Best Use of Taxpayer Dollars (Or Most Likely to Make Andrea Dworkin's Head Explode): The National Institutes of Health commissioned a $147,000 study to discover what kind of porn turns women on, and lucky chicks were paid to watch blue movies in the name of science at Northwestern University. Biggest Waste of Money: $135 million for Bush's abstinence-until-marriage education programs for schoolchildren and teenagers. Savviest Career Move: Popular adult-film star Nina Hartley debuted a new line of smart and sexy videos for Adam and EveNina Hartley's Guide to Sensual Dominationthat raised a few eyebrows (but probably more erections). Best Smutty Site: Two dykes from San Francisco are arguably the best amateur pornographers on the web and show it all at Darkplay.net with fisting, bondage, knife play, golden showers. You name it, they love it. Runner Up for Hottie Homepage: www.worldfamousbob.com, home of big-bosomed pin-up girl the World Famous *BOB*. Most Clever Accidental Sex Toy: Supposedly a children's toy, the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broom is long, built to go between your legs, and vibrates. No wonder it garnered rave reviews from young girls everywhere. Most Inappropriate Sex (Kitten) Toy: Mattel released "Lingerie Barbie," tramped up in see-through nightie, garters, and stockings, then claimed it was meant for grown-ups, even though it was available at FAO Schwarz. Strangest Sex Product You Didn't Even Know You Needed: Sphincterine Ass-stringent is what it sounds like; think mouthwash for your butt. A stimulating, refreshing anal astringent created by Mintyass.com, it promises to cleanse and help you "feel fresh all over, even back there." Hottest Sex Scene on TV: In episode 42 of The Sopranos, Janice (Aida Turturro) ass-fucked Ralph (Joe "Pants" Pantoliano) with a vibrator while calling him a cunt and weaving a dirty tale of pimping him out, making him the first made man on television to get done. Best Queer Moment (or Most Likely to Make a Right-Wing Conservative's Head Explode): Two girls were named cutest couple by their classmates at an Illinois high school.
Worst Queer Moment: Right-wing gay pundit Andrew Sullivan was outed for soliciting bareback sex on the Internet. Best Commercial for Safe Sex: Real World Las Vegas tarts Steven and Trishelle had "mad unprotected sex" for weeks, which resulted in criticism from their housemates, a pregnancy scare, and a message at the bottom of the Hook Up Report on MTV's Web site: "Have you ever been late? If so, you're not alone. To find out how to prevent being late or what to do if you are late click here." Sexiest Woman: At 72, Dr. Betty Dodson continues to speak and write about the revolutionary possibilities of jerking off, as well as teaching women how to masturbate and orgasm (as she has done for over 30 years). No wonder she's got a growing empire and a twentysomething boyfriend who's devoted to her. Sexiest Man: Andrew, the carpenter from the Learning Channel's addictive While You Were Out, is tall, strapping, and h-o-t. The way he handles a drill says one thing: He'll hammer into you with skill and aplomb and hang shelves for you in the morning. The Stud That Couldn't: SexualWorldRecords .com attempted to produce the World's Largest Reverse Gang Bang with Fabio-channeling performer Azael fucking 20 women and delivering 20 consecutive cum shots; unfortunately, not only couldn't he set a new world record, he couldn't even do it once! Greatest Legal Victory: It's a tie! The law that banned the sale of sex toys in Alabama was overturned. And Adam Glaser, a/k/a Seymore Butts, beat obscenity charges for producing and distributing the video Tampa Tushy Fest, Part I, which contained a fisting scene between porn stars Chloe and Alisha Klass. The Los Angeles district attorney settled his case with a $1000 slap on the wrist (and Butts signed with Showtime for a reality series based on his life in the porn biz). Worst Legal Conviction: South Carolina prosecutors charged an undergrad with "mailing indecent and filthy substances" for selling her used panties over the Internet. She pled guilty and now faces up to five years in prison or a $250,000 fine. Can't a girl make a buck to put herself through school?
At Least They Got Paid Like Professional Porn Stars Award: Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee won $740,000 each in their case against Internet Entertainment Group, the company that soldand made millions off oftheir homemade sex video. Best Representation of Dominance and Submission in Mainstream Media: The Osbournes. What, like Sharon Osbourne isn't the bitchiest fem-dom ever? Think about it. Worst Representation of BDSM in Mainstream Media: News agencies targeted one of the UN weapons inspectors to Iraq, Jack McGeorge, because of his involvement in BDSM organizations. As if a kinky guy with unbelievable professional credentials will somehow falter on the job. I say if he knows how to use weapons, then he can find them just fine. Most Controversial Book: The right wing had a field day attacking author Judith Levine for her groundbreaking work, Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children From Sex, calling it an endorsement for pedophilia. Levine argued that kids need more information and education about sexuality and that all manifestations of childhood sexuality should not be seen as dangerous or disturbing. Bonehead Award: Chicago Tribune veteran columnist Bob Greene resigned after revelations that he had once had sex with a teenage girl whom he met while reporting a story. Burned Bone Award: A 50-year-old scientist in England scorched his penis badly enough to warrant medical treatment after placing his laptop on his, um, lap. He claimed he was fully dressed at the time. Reverse Cowgirl Award (for Crossing Over From Hollywood Into Porn Instead of the Other Way Around): Oscar-nominated John Cameron Mitchell announced that his next movie, The Sex Film Project (www.thesexfilmproject.com), would seek answers to the question "Why can't there be a movie that tells a strong story, is full of humor and pathos, is packed with powerful performances, and features a lot of explicit sexhard-ons, cum, and all?" That's right, folks, Hedwig's making a flick with hardcore sex! Excuse me now while I revise my acting résumé.
Visit my Web site at www.puckerup.com.