The Best One-Star Yelp Reviews for NYC Institutions

The Best One-Star Yelp Reviews for NYC Institutions
Photo illustration. Statue of Liberty credit

The only thing New Yorkers love more than disproportionate outrage is directing that outrage at tourists. So when we're on the receiving end of outsider hate, it definitely stings a little (just kidding, we still win). In the mildly disingenuous interest of fairness, here are the best one-star Yelp reviews for our city's seemingly unimpeachable institutions.

The Statue of Liberty

Two thumbs down. This is the worst freedom monument I have experienced. An eyesore with no aesthetic value. Of debatable social value. Every time I eat here I immediately have to

Jackson S from Lebanon, New Hampshire, is all kinds of enraged about Lady Liberty. He also seems to have confused the Statue of Liberty with some sort of eatery whose food always makes him...? MAKES YOU WHAT, JACKSON S?! It's worth noting that his one other review is a glowing five-star appraisal of a local Chinese restaurant, the Oriental Wok Express (the reviews for which are worth a read on their own). His assessment includes the mother of all concluding sentences:

It is inside a Mobil gas station.

Central Park

Its essentially a vast golf course. Has that same feel. Nature is present ONLY in careful little 'museum exhibits'. Really, the whole park is that way: a forlorn, xenophobic, vapid, 'tree-museum'. Oh look, here's one right now--and yes, look at that one over there, too. How nice. Let's walk over there and see it.

Based on his scathing review, Brooklynite and traitor Jorge G clearly misses a good litter-strewn syringe minefield, referring to Central Park as "xenophobic" and "vapid." Fuck those pansy-ass historic maple trees and manicured grass.

Meanwhile, Chicago native Jenny B visited Central Park in the fall of 2006 and was not impressed. She decided to drop some wisdom on the Yelp community:

Meh. It's a park. A very big park. Who cares? I like living in a city because I hate nature, so why would I go to a park? :)

WHY DID YOU GO TO A PARK, THEN, JENNY? AND WHY ARE YOU SMILING WHEN YOUR HEART IS CLEARLY FULL OF HATE?

American Museum of Natural History

San Jose native Jh M seems confused about the distinction between "museum" and "zoo":

WTF!?! Where are the REAL animals?? Seriously, I think I've seen all of the real versions of the fake ones they have on here. Not to mention a lot of the exhibits look like they haven't been updated since the '70s. This place is a sham.

Why would you fuck with some weird representation of a lion when you could just get an actual fucking lion, right Jh?

And then this gem from super chill Cali dude Michael L:

I know I would probably enjoy this excursion more if there hadn't been all these bloody kids running and hollering about.

Michael L is probably petitioning aggressively for an Adults Only Night at Chuck E. Cheese. Also, his Yelp profile photo is topless.

The Metropolitan Museum

Curtis S of San Francisco is calling out the Met for its fascist "no defacing the building" policies:

The Metropolitan Museum of Art tried to throw a mother and her child out of the PUNK show for writing in crayon on the wall. This is a place that I used to study in for exams and was the bastion of art and creativity in New York. Shame on you!

Surprisingly, Curtis seems to be OK with restaurants that don't allow customers to bring and prepare their own food.

Meanwhile, alleged Manhattanite Ben L writes:

Closed on Monday's? Is this a joke?

On Monday's WHAT, Ben?

The gold star of one-star reviews goes to Roman E, of Boston, for his scathing critique of the lack of sufficient men's-room fittings:

First of all most people don't even know that you can get in paying a penny and second off all.. No splash guards in the bathroom?? I rather pay full 25 dollars and get splash guards..Like really in a museum so big and so fancy you couldn't opt out for splash guards?? I don't really wanna be pissing that close in a museum next to someone.. Get the splash guards maybe go up to a 2 star review ... It's 2015 GET SPLASH GUARDS!!!!!

First of all, Roman, most people do know that you can get in on the strength of a weak-ass non-donation. They just choose not to be dicks. Secondly, if your trip to the pisser was the most memorable moment of your visit, I think I know a museum that would be more to your liking.

Top of the Rock

Interested in learning about someone's valiant efforts to smuggle in a cheese dog (and avoid the educational video)? Nope? Toronto native Jenn C does. not. give. a. shit:

21 Dollars for a fantastic view of Manhattan at night? Nah, no thanks. Find a building and climb to the top of it for free. I was forced to watch a 10 minute video about the history of the Rockefeller Centre (I like to skip these types of things) and was ushered here and there by various staff members and security (one told me to not be scared of him). I snuck in a hot dog that was wrapped in a pretzel with a processed cheese dip -- I had bought it from a vendor inside of the building -- and ate at the Top of 30 Rock while admiring the view. I also noticed there weren't any garbage cans at the Top of the Rock to dispose of the waste so I had to keep it in my purse. The next day, I had food poisoning and puked my guts out for a good 24 hours. So, this review is more for the hot dog wrapped in a pretzel dipped in processed cheese sauce. I don't remember the name of the shop I bought it from, but the experience of the Top of the Rock has been tainted FOREVER.

Nicholas S from Grand Canyon, AZ was clearly expecting a different kind of rock:

Big mistake of mine that I'll regret for a long time!!! Don't waste your money and time at this sh*t hole of a rock!!!

Bronx Zoo

For a business entirely based on animals this zoo is not pet friendly. Not would they refund my tickets after not allowing my dog. I encourage all animal lovers to support businesses that are ACTUALLY animal friendly.

Queens resident Gizely seems to be from the same school of thought as Curtis S. She'd be really fun to take to Cirque du Soleil ("I wore my best spangled unitard and even did a somersault. They turned me away").

National September 11 Memorial

We leave you with these useful tips from Chow N on what to expect at the 9-11 Memorial:

Nothing against the memory of those who died, but this memorial wasn't too memorable. You make reservations in advance, you get there and walk this long back and forth winding path to get to the security check, you get an airport style security check (minus shoe removal), you get to the memorial, and then you ask yourself "that's it?"

You'd be forgiven for thinking that Chow is just a cantankerous old hater who cannot be pleased. But his five-star reviews for the Seven Corners Mobil in Falls Church, Virginia, and some place called Lobsta Rollin' tell quite a different story. But then again, who hasn't been blown away by a gas station at least once in their life?


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