The Daily News Recommends Non-Jail Punishments for Lindsay Lohan as She Plays Lawyer Roulette

What should be done with problem child Lindsay Lohan? Daily News columnist Denis Hamill has some definite ideas about celebrity justice, and today shares his advice for teaching this "knucklehead" (which he calls Lohan twice) a lesson while saving taxpayers from shelling out for her stint in the slammer. "Jail is counterproductive," Hamill writes. "Maybe the prosecutors and judges need a little imagination out there in Hollywood...Make the punishment fit the crime. Exploit her celebrity."

Hamill's advice for lawmakers:

  • Have a video crew follow her around for an entire year of community service as a grim, real-life reality show.
  • Shoot her emptying bedpans for wounded warriors in a veteran's hospital to make her understand what the real world looks like.
  • ...Make this vain glamourpuss clean toilets and boil louse-infested sheets in a homeless shelter. Film her changing smelly diapers in a crack-baby ward.
  • Make her sit in the empty chair at a grieving family's Thanksgiving dinner table with the loved ones of people killed by a drunken driver.
  • Make her wear an orange sackcloth jumpsuit emblazoned with the words: SELFISH DRUNKEN DRIVER. Film her sweeping up the shattered glass and hosing away the life blood of those killed on public highways at crashes caused by drunks like her. Film her sitting through the subsequent wakes and funerals. Then film her hand-digging a Potter's Field grave for some indigent killed by a selfish drunk.

Whew. Lohan's lucky that Hamill's not in charge, and if she reads this, jail might look a hell of a lot more appealing. Meanwhile, she's dealing with lawyer switcheroos that are probably yet another sign that she's batshit crazy (But wouldn't you be if your dumb decisions were front page news?).

Last week, Lohan hired famed celebrity lawyer Robert Shapiro, but last night, the night before she was set to surrender for her jail sentence, Shapiro quit Team Lindsay, and walked away from this debacle. Shawn Chapman Holley, Lohan's previous lawyer, who quit because the star was an "uncontrollable client," according to TMZ, showed up again today in Shapiro's place.

The latest update from TMZ, which is live streaming from the Beverly Hills courthouse and the Lynwood jail (seriously), is that LiLo is handcuffed and going to jail, though her sentence will only be carried out for a fraction of the 90 days because of overcrowding. It's a lucky break for her that the California prison system is screwed up...maybe the judge should look to the Daily News for alternative law enforcement suggestions.

[LM]


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