The Runnin' Scared Gift Guide: 100 Presents for the Drunks, Exes, Neurotics, Sex Fiends, and Loved Ones on Your List

#76, Golden Girls Xmas Ornaments
#76, Golden Girls Xmas Ornaments

So many gift guides, so little time. But how many lists of gifts under $50, or gifts for moms-to-be, or gifts for boyfriends and girlfriends and dogs can you really look at before wondering, where is the gift guide to end all gift guides? Where is the gift guide for the curmudgeons, cougars, and deviant social miscreants in your life, the people you actually have no idea what to buy? Well, HERE IT IS.

1. For the unabashed drunk who's ahead of the curve: A bulk supply of Jameson juice boxes. What, they don't actually exist? Someone, make this happen. Please. In the meantime, how about this 64-ounce half-gallon giant stainless-steel party flask?

2. For the slightly abashed drunk. Stanley Classic Flask.

3. For the very abashed drunk. The Good Book flask-hider, with flask inside.

4. For the cougar on your block: Justin Bieber Action Figures. Also, it goes without saying, but injectables are never not appreciated.

5. For the adult whose taste buds never grew up: Adult chocolate milk (40 proof), Whipped Lightning (36 proof), CREAM (30 proof). Drunken pre-diabetic sugar high? A gift that keeps giving.

The Runnin' Scared Gift Guide: 100 Presents for the Drunks, Exes, Neurotics, Sex Fiends, and Loved Ones on Your List

6. For the anti-TSA activist: 4th Amendment underwear, with which to shock and school those prying TSA wonks.

7. For the white trash second cousin twice removed through incest: Stoker's Wintergreen Chewing Tobacco, a/k/a, Big azz green can of dip.

8. For that smelly, crunchy hippie in your ride share: All natural yet POWERFUL underpits cream from Soapwalla.

9. For the lady-blogger: Blogger Writer dress.

10. For the hypochondriacal mess: Yes, You're Probably Dying (A Hypochondriac's Key to Worst-Case Scenarios).

11. For the nearsighted pharma junkie: Pill bottle magnifier.

12. For the experimental sandwich-eater: Giada De Laurentiis' cast iron panini maker.

13. For the commuting neurotic: Subway grippers.

14. For the crazy cat lady: Miss Moggs 2011 Cat Calendar.

15. For the dog person who for some reason escapes being called crazy because he likes dogs instead of cats: Boo the Dog Calendar.

16. For the relative you are secretly attracted to: A donation in his/her name to Just 'cuz.

17. For the person who's pretending to cut back on the caffeine in 2011: Keurig One-Cup Coffee Maker.

18. For your Secret Santa: Things from your co-worker's desk that he got for free and, like, nobody's using anyway. Like, say, an Obama vibrator. Or Teh Itteh Bitteh Book of Kittehs.

19. For the person who's always asking "Do these pants make my butt look big?": The adult onesie.

20. For the adorable couple: His and hers possessive pillowcases set.

21. For the person who claims, "Don't get me anything," but you know is really lying: Norman Copenhagen Move pill box. If you're real nice, put something in it.

22. For the person who would like to hold the whole world in his or her hands, if only figuratively and for a brief moment: BlueIQ miniature ecosystem.

23. For the person who sleeps with his/her "CrackBerry," and actually calls it a "CrackBerry": A custom-designed Swarovski-crystal encrusted monogrammed faceplate, plus, a punch in the face.

24. For that dude who won't shut up about how awesome Groundhog Day was: The many (38, to be exact) days of Groundhog.

25. For the creepy Kennedy conspiracist: Lee Harvey Oswald and Kennedy assassination memorabilia.

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