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Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Look, I totally understand the modern hankering for the handmade and the pre-industiral, for children's toys that look like they might have been crafted by elves in a workshop rather than shat out of one of those Mattel's Chinese lead-and-woe factories.

But good Lord in heaven, that's no excuse for the horrors of How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls. What is the appropriate age for furry prisoner-rendition cosplay?


And it's no excuse for this Thanksgiving nightmare from the same book:

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


Yes, an uncooked turkey claimed the heads of those who would have eaten it.

Also out of the oven: This Corpseybread Cookie comes stitched with a memento of each person you have wronged in your life.

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


Weirder still is this wolf-crotched Red Riding Hood doll. Perhaps it was designed to teach girls about that time when their bodies start to change.

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


That one deserves a second look. Hitch up Red's skirts to reveal the great truth of American woman: there's nothing wrong with being both wolf and grandma.

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls also offers:

Hallucination Bunny . . .

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


A clown you must defeat in combat . . .

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


. . . and that one memory of your father you thought you had suppressed.

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


"Nude 70s Rob Reiner Reclining Upon a Sacrificial Altar" is made out of pantyhose, incidentally.

ALSO: I AM NOT MAKING THIS BOOK UP.

Here's the actual cover:

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God

NEXT: Madness from A Soft Touch for Macrame and The Big Book of Small Needlework Gifts!  
The most disturbing thing in 1977's A Soft Touch for Macrame is right there on the cover:

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


See that? Beside the puddley face of that decapitated bear, and just above The Eiffel Tower Jammed Up a Great Red Nose: the promise that macrame is appropriate for "special occasions."

That bear head is upsetting, though. Here's another shot from inside the book:

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


When adult life feels overwhelming, your Crap Archivist often thinks back to the youthful hours he spent dreaming of bees circling the bear heads mounted in a trophy room.

Creepy as all this has been, all these toys pale next to the one on the cover of 1980's The Big Book of Small Needlecraft Gifts. There, a young William Katt clutches his own botched female clone.

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


In this book, we see evidence that these toys were scary even to kids in 1980:

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God


That comes just a couple pages from the most disturbing image in any of these books, one that isn't of a toy at all: this publicity still from MTV's Skins:

Toy Box of Terror: 12 Homemade Toys Sure to Frighten Kids and Anger God

Hey, you could do worse than following @studiesincrap on Twitter!


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