When Rand Paul Rules the World

Mr. Lunch Counter
Mr. Lunch Counter

Rand Paul, son of Ron and now the Republican candidate for Senate in Kentucky, was taken to task yesterday for the purity of his libertarian views.

His creed of anti-government liberty is so unalloyed by silly notions of fairness or anti-racisim, Paul was taken to task by liberals like Rachel Maddow, who clearly misunderstood his feelings about that monument of slippery liberalism, the 1964 Voting Rights Act.

See, Rand Paul, being the unadulterated libertarian that he is, was uncomfortable with the thought of the U.S. government getting involved when some Southern businesses wouldn't allow blacks to eat at lunch counters.

That upset some people, so Rand had to clarify himself. It wasn't that he was against blacks eating at lunch counters, he just didn't like that the paternalistic, liberal-loving government had to get involved.

That got us to thinking. We wanted to make sure the world understood Rand Paul's profound formula of anti-government rhetoric. Starting at about 3 p.m. today (Thursday), we started tweeting out a series of libertarian koans we called "Rand Paul-isms" at our account (@VoiceTonyO).

We hope you enjoy ...

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for slavery. It's just that I abhor the government interfering with a businessman's choice of chattel."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for excluding women from the workplace. It's just that I abhor government telling a business who to hire."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for child labor sweatshops. It's just that I abhor government telling a businessman who to exploit."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for botulism. It's just that I abhor government telling business to keep cow shit out of our vegetables."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for seizures and embolisms. It's just that I abhor government telling business to keep the Viagra pure."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for emphysema. It's just that I abhor government telling car makers to cut down the toxic exhaust cloud."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against light and heat. It's just that I abhor government in the business of rural electrification."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for an oil spill. It's just that I abhor government telling business it can't denature a coastline."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against the Grand Canyon. It's that I abhor government telling business not to make a big party lake."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for illiteracy. It's just that I abhor government telling us our kids have to learn to read."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for worker maiming. It's that I abhor government telling business to safeguard sharp, knifey equipment."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against weekends. It's just that I abhor government telling business it has to allow some days off."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against letters. It's just that I abhor government in the business of delivering mail."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for a financial meltdown. I just abhor government telling business it can't wreck a few million 401(k)s."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against Rosa Parks. It's just that I abhor government telling a business how to seat its passengers."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for earthquakes. It's just that I abhor government telling business how to build on a fault zone."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against polar bears. It's just that I abhor government telling business not to melt the ice caps."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for charlatanism. It's just that I abhor government telling business that it can't lie like a rug."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for asphyxiation. It's just that I abhor government telling business not to sell throat-sized toys."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not I'm against a sip of tap water. It's just that I abhor government telling business what it can do with its runoff."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against the census. It's just that I abhor government telling us how to round up three-fifths."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against wheelchairs. It's just that I abhor government telling business to put in those ramps and stuff."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm against Jackie Robinson. It's just that I abhor government telling business how to fill out a roster."

Rand Paul-ism: "It's not that I'm for windshield decapitations. It's just that I abhor government telling business to provide seat belts."


Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories
    Send:

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >