Why I Hate Being Gay! 62 Reasons!

Daniel Zalkus

You assume the Super Bowl is a large household item at Pottery Barn. ... Your fake tans are even more life-threatening than your real ones. ... Your entire wardrobe consists of male designers having a midlife crisis.

You spend your whole life fighting for rights you don't even want for yourself. (Marriage and the military? No thanks!)...Gym was the bane of your entire childhood, but now you spend $1,350 a year on it. ... You gym all day and unsafe all night. ... It's not even called "barebacking" anymore. It's just "sex."... You think "modern dance" means Britney. ... You strangely turned off to Gaga the day she released a song about how great gays are. ... You haven't followed a female singer with two names since Alanis.

Way more of your friends bookmark Manhunt than nytimes. ... You spend half the day Photoshopping your Manhunt photos and the other half adjusting the lighting in your apartment so it'll match when they show up. ... The different subgenres of LGBTs hate each other. ... I hate muscle queens! ... The LGBT community pressures you to be a toned-down gay to move things forward, so you've basically come out of the closet to enter into a whole other form of oppression. ... You're furious when you catch your lover cheating, but you're convinced your own dalliances are perfectly acceptable and in fact worthy of applause. ... You started Botox treatments at 25. ... You work a cash register, but tell people you work "in retail."... You refer to your trick from last week as "my ex."

Thanks to the Internet, hustler bars are now just hangouts for elderly johns without any tricks. Tragically, some of the old men don't seem to realize this. ... Most gay men have never seen a lesbian except on daytime television. ... Just like a hetero will only pay to see Phantom or Wicked, a gay will only shell out cash for Priscilla or Sister Act. ... Gay plays and movies are marketed with, "It's not a gay play or movie. It's about the human condition."... Some gays still wear their collars up. ... Celebrities who were deeply closeted when they were famous now get awards for coming out to revive their careers. ... Gays are the last group on earth it's routinely OK to bash in movies, music, and life. ... Still, the haters routinely bitch about how gays are "the last protected class in America."... An exploitive trip to third-world nations to sleep with starving underage nymphs for $3 a pop is considered a glamorous vacation.

All cute gay guys somehow know they're cute. ... After a certain age, only women come on to you. ... Though their ultimate goal is to assimilate, guys spend the entire summer in gay-ghetto retreats where there hasn't been a straight since the colonial days. ... Dummos still think being gay is a choice. (No, it's coming out that's a choice. More dummos should try it.)... Everyone fights your views and vilifies you for years, then suddenly declares you an icon. ... No one under 50 has heard of the Stonewall bar, let alone the Stonewall rebellion.

You actually think that if a guy says he's negative, then he's really negative. ... You think that if their status is "Ask Me," it still might be negative. ... You're owed a fortune by various gay media outlets and actually believe that the check will be sent out next Tuesday and they won't come in your mouth. ... Your cologne bottle is in some sexy shape that makes it impossible to use or even keep on a shelf. ... You actually mark the Macy's flower show in your calendar. ... You still audition with that Pippin song and that monologue from A Chorus Line. ... Your growing collection of Shirley Temple dolls has your friends worried. ... You have twin Chihuahuas named Christina and Christopher. ... You look so much prettier in drag than as a man that you consider living as a woman. ... You're a militant gay on Facebook, but with your parents, it's "I haven't found the right girl yet."...You did a poignant "It Gets Better" video talking about how it's way easier to find sex partners past your teens. (Fortunately, no one clicked on it.)

You're "versatile," which means you can bottom in 15 different positions. ... You've been known to seriously cruise mannequins in Barney's windows. ... You have heated fights with co-workers over topics like "Wendie Malick or Jane Leeves?"... The Oscars are more important to you than the November election, though not as important as the Tonys. ... You check your ex-boyfriend's Facebook page at least once a week to make sure he isn't "friends" with any new cuties. ... Your Ivy League days are long forgotten. Nowadays, your existence centers around new episodes of Freaky Eaters. ... You've kept the Playbill for every Gypsy you've ever seen, including the ones at Paper Mill Playhouse and the Brooklyn Navy Yard.

You've sent back sorbet because it was actually sherbet. ... The more straight and unavailable someone is, the more wildly attractive you find them. ... If a cashier gives you five cents less than you're supposed to get, you start stomping your feet and screeching, "Homophobe!"... You assume that everyone famous is gay, including Doris Roberts and Larry the Cable Guy. ... You actually worked out a way to get college credit for fluffing gift bags for charity events. ... You have a "fag hag" for every occasion—bar, club, red carpet, funeral, phone calls. ... When someone asks, "Where were you on the day when..." you assume they'll finish with "the Spice Girls broke up?"... You think Kylie is better than Judy Garland. ... You kissed a girl and you didn't like it.

But the worst thing of all about being gay is that you wouldn't be caught dead at the Pride Parade. For decades, that event has strangely been considered déclassé, banal, and practically shameful. ... See you there! Happy Pride!

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