Why Men Fake Orgasms, by a Man Who Has Faked an Orgasm
The New York Post noted a fun statistic to emerge from a survey by the editors of Men's Health and Women's Health of 2,000 people's sex habits: 17% of the men surveyed have faked an orgasm. Some people think that this "is a statistic that raises more questions than it does answers." Indeed! So we talked to a guy who has faked an orgasm.
Runnin' Scared: Just to ensure we're talking about the correct kind of faked male orgasm, what's your sexual orientation?
Male 26-Year Old Who Has Faked An Orgasm: Straight. Not so-straight-I'm-prone-to-bouts-of-homoeroticism, but just "straight." I don't live in Murray Hill, is what I mean. But I'm sure gay dudes who are "bottoms" fake orgasms all the time so it's a reasonable question. But we're talking about "busting one" right?
RS: Yes, this is about faking a male orgasm via ejaculation. That's you, correct?
M26YOWHFAO: Yeah, guilty as charged.
RS: Why'd you do it?
M26YOWHFAO: You're assuming I've only done it once.
RS: Why have you faked orgasms however many times you actually have?
M26YOWHFAO: Why do women do it? Because you're just kind of going at it, and nothing's happening, and you're starting to chafe or go limp, and you're not Dirk Diggler. So what do you do? Either it'll be awkward if you don't have an orgasm, so you fake one and finish it off. Or you really care about the person's feelings and feel like this one lie will benefit the situation at hand, and that nothing you say or do will otherwise improve the situation (i.e. make you bust), so you might as well just end it.
RS: So you're saying you've exhausted every option, and it's just not going to "happen"?
M26YOWHFAO: I mean, sure, you could go out on a limb and say, "I'm not going to bust until you start whistling Old Dixie while I read last week's Economist during the handjob so furiously fast and intense it begins to chafe your hand more than it does my dick," but if you have some requirement to get off and yet don't feel comfortable putting it out there, you're either on a second date or in a bad relationship. Or you need to get there somehow.
RS: But doesn't orgasm faking beget orgasm faking?
M26YOWHFAO: Probably. I mean, I know when a ladyfriend I'm with gets off.
RS: Isn't that what all men say? And aren't we supposedly always wrong?
M26YOWHFAO: The only way you could be wrong is if you're having sex with The Mythical Floppy Woo.
RS: So how do you fake an orgasm, then?
M26YOWHFAO: (Groans, excitedly.) RS: That's it?
M26YOWHFAO: I mean, if you have a condom, you're good. Make sure you don't sound like you're reading your haftorah portion and you're fine. Go read some Uta Hagen in the event you lack confidence in the theatrics department.
RS: But if you don't have a condom?
M26YOWHFAO: You're dry, you pulled out and got it in your hand and need to wash it off, you think it's on the floor, or The Chaos Stunt Option.
RS: What is The Chaos Stunt Option?
M26YOWHFAO: Glad you asked. It's when you've been going for a long time and need to fake your way to a finish, and you tell the lady (or "receiving end," to be PC) that you need to finish with a "money shot." Start making the groaning noises, and just as you're about to take your "money shot" -- ideally, the "receiving end" will be squinting, as someone about to get something shot in their face inevitably always does, like point-blank Dodgeball -- and you "bust" into the ether. Ask her if you need to get her a towel and she'll ask you where it went. You don't know. You both start checking hair, sheets, walls, as you grab a towel. Oh, there it is, under the desk, surrounded by the dust bunnies. You don't want to see this. *Takes towel away.*
RS: ....Have you ever actually done that?
M26YOWHFAO: No, but I've thought about it. Really though, you're better off just telling her you'd like to finish yourself off if you can. Many of the women I've talked to about sex have been very explicit about the fact that they know themselves better than anyone else, and thus, can get themselves off better. Same deal with guys. But it's not so much a "method" thing as an imagination thing.
RS: And what do you "imagine"?
M26YOWHFAO: Having sex with a chick I don't have to fake an orgasm with.
Related: Snow Job [NYM]
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.