Subject: Cable News Network LP LLLP

• Downing Street Afterschlock: CNN Makes Good on 'Storytelling' Vow

  June 12, 2005

• Crash of Civilizations

  August 12, 2004

• Kathy Griffin's Life on the G List!

  January 29, 2008

• Tonight: Atmosphere at Webster Hall

  April 27, 2008

• Scientology Spokesman Gives Non-Answers on CNN

  May 8, 2008

• The Newfound Joy of a Native Ohioan

  November 5, 2008

• The Demographics of the Proposition 8 Vote

  November 5, 2008

• The Conspiracy Begins This December?

  November 5, 2008

• Good Morning, Shophounds

  December 5, 2008

• Afghan Elections Delayed, Iraq Candidates Murdered

  Let's look in on our brothers-in-democracy in the Middle East. Afghanistan has postponed its elections due to "security and logistical concerns," says CNN. This isn't a short-term thing: they were scheduled for May, and will now take place in August -- though a parliamentary spokesman says they're "unlikely" to be held until after Ramadan in September. President Karzai's term will expire meanwhile; the country's constitution suggests that the ailing, 82-year-old speaker of the upper house of par

  January 30, 2009

• Kathy Griffin Asked Back on CNN!

  I was just sent a link to the HX interview with motormouth Kathy Griffin by editor John Russell, who deadpanned, "Apparently it's a towering achievement of faggoty journalism. Links and gratuitous ass-kissing appreciated!" Well, I'm gonna need him to lick MY ass when my next book comes out, so here it is, folks! Besides, it IS a towering faggoty achievement, in which Russell gets the Grif to talk about Anderson Cooper's huge appeal, why she loves the unshockable gays, and the fact that CNN has

  February 6, 2009

• I've Been Banned From Showbiz Tonight!

  Last year, I was on HN's (i.e. CNN Headline News') entertainment show Showbiz Tonight quite a few times and enjoyed the chance to weigh in on gossip topics with my usual wisecracks. But the honeymoon seemed to falter once I went too far and said that a certain reality star who was being sent to jail "would become somebody's bitch." That was cut and they forgave me, but I got back-of-the-bus treatment after that, including being booked for the day before Thanksgiving, then getting canceled on the

  March 16, 2009

• Clark's Changing Tune on Iraq

  September 23, 2003

• Clark's Run Still Clouded

  January 20, 2004

• Whose 'Talking'?

  July 7, 1998

• High-ranking Military Officers, Independent Investigators, Pilots, and Eyewitnesses Believe a Missle Destroyed TWA Flight 800

  July 21, 1998

• Last Meal: Tennessee Sucks

  May 9, 2007

• Balls to You, Lars Ulrich

  January 16, 2001

• Chads Into Confetti

  January 23, 2001

• And the Banned Play On

  September 25, 2001

• Relying on Blind Faith

  October 2, 2001

• Accidents Can Happen

  October 9, 2001

• Midnight Confession

  January 1, 2002

• Pulitzer Fever

  January 15, 2002

• CNN in the Crossfire

  January 29, 2002

• Saddam and the Petunias

  April 23, 2002

• God Is Not in the Constitution

  July 2, 2002

• Opposing Forces

  October 1, 2002

• Smoke Signals

  November 19, 2002

• Paint It Black

  March 25, 2003

• Danger Zone

  April 1, 2003

• Prom Balloons

  May 27, 2003

• The Secrets Clark Kept

  September 30, 2003

• Wink, Wink

  October 14, 2003

• Art

  June 29, 2004

• Shovin' It

  July 27, 2004

• Chads Into Confetti: A Great Day for America

  October 18, 2005

• News

  November 14, 2006

• Gettin' Dibi With It

  February 27, 2007

• New Black Eyed Peas The E.N.D. Leaks, To Spectacular Effect

  Not that we'll point you anywhere in particular to find it, but the Black Eyed Peas' new The E.N.D. has very much leaked onto the internet, in a blaze of bar mitzvah jams ("I Gotta Feeling" is gonna own), randomly French rave synths ("Ed Banger compilation Volume 3," said one friend yesterday), goofy Century 3000 jock jams, maddening ringtone rap (uh, "Ring-a-Ling"), and a song called "Electric City," on which Fergie rhymes "dildo" with "do re mi fa so la ti do." Seriously. Skip CNN-hologram jam

  June 3, 2009

• Memo to Turner

  December 12, 2000

• He Shot Me (And It Felt Like Second Degree Murder): Phil Spector Found Guilty

  The once-vaunted and now deeply fallen record producer Phil Spector won't dodge the murder of actress Lana Clarkson twice--after 30 hours of deliberation, a Los Angeles jury just handed down a guilty verdict for murder in the second-degree, the same charge Spector dodged after a 2007 mistrial. The 40-year-old Clarkson was found dead in the notoriously gun-happy Spector's mansion in 2003, slumped in a chair, as CNN puts it, "with a gunshot wound through the roof of her mouth." Somewhere Ronnie Sp

  April 13, 2009

• Organic Farmers Suffer Losses; Prisoners Excercise Their Green Thumbs

  Organic farmers are feeling the sting of the organic food trend slowing. Dairy farmers, especially, are suffering, and many have been told to cut milk production by up to 20 percent. The slowdown, combined with the high cost of transporting organic feed from the Midwest has caused 32 dairy farms in Vermont to close since Dec. 1. [NY Times] What do a group of Ohio convicts have in common with Michelle Obama? They both are growing their own food. Prisoners at a jail in Fremont help tend to about

  May 29, 2009

• Tainted Cookie Dough; Bees In Brooklyn; A Car Made of Food

  The latest food safety debacle involves Nestle's refrigerated cookie dough, which was recalled after 65 people in 29 states got sick. Microbiologists and food safety investigators are stumped as to how the E. coli 0157 strain, a bacterium that lives in the intestines of cattle, managed to find its way into a product rather unlikely to contain it. [Washington Post] The Senate has reached a bipartisan agreement to include a federal menu-labeling law as part of new healthcare legislation, which wo

  June 22, 2009

• Nothing Like Ham to Slap Kim Jong-il in the Face

  ​ While foodies are obsessing over who will take over from Frank Bruni as the new New York Times' resident food critic, newsies are more concerned with the real issues, like Bill Clinton going to North Korea to help free US journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee, who have been detained there since March. A blogger for the Philadelphia City Paper noticed something about the image CNN used of the two freed journalists: one of them was holding an enormous meat sub. The Philly food blogger call

  August 5, 2009

• I Was on CNN Discussing Celebs and The Recession

  Are stars bringing their bling down a notch? Spending scads of money, but only where they can't be seen doing so? Will Paris Hilton become a social worker to suit the country's new mood or will she simply send out a press release saying she's done so? Answers to all those questions and more are in this CNN segment in which I am the star! And I dressed down for it!

  August 27, 2009

• Airlines Turn to 'Haute' Cuisine; Ben & Jerry's Celebrates Gay Marriage With 'Hubby Hubby'

  ​The remnants of a frog or toad were found in a Diet Pepsi can, according to the FDA. A Florida couple discovered a disintegrated blob at the bottom of the can when one of them gagged on it. [CNN] Airlines are revamping their on-board meal offerings, following years of cutbacks on free meals in coach. Food-sale programs never sold very well, apparently. [Wall Street Journal] A former Cafe des Artistes employee said that working there was "possibly the most hellish restaurant experience e

  September 3, 2009

• Carrie Prejean at Values Voters: God Has "Bigger Crown for Me in Heaven" Than Trump Does

  ​The Values Voters Summit -- held in liberal D.C. rather than in Branson, Missouri, for some reason -- kicked off this morning, and has already heard from former Miss California Carrie Prejean, whose remarks are characterized by a sympathetic Dakota Voice: "She said she was raised by parents who taught her moral values, and that she had given her life to Christ at a young age... she could not believe someone had asked that question at a USA pageant, and thought it was highly inappropriate

  September 18, 2009

• Obama Remakes the Classic Movies

  I'm open to checking out reactionary viewpoints, as long as they're presented cleverly--so that's why I'm airing this cute (if rather paranoid) bunch of images with our President inserted into a bunch of legendary films.

  October 15, 2009

• BALLOON BOY IN GARAGE THE WHOLE TIME

  ​ OK, what's the over/under on what the Heene family should pay for the massive search effort for their kid? Turns out Falcon was hiding in a box in the family's garage while helicopters and first responders were all over hell and gone looking for him. More questions at the end of the post. Back to our first question, which we asked as the Heene family UFO was still flying over Colorado: was there really a boy inside?... CNN seems to be reporting it both ways: the Heene family says yes,

  October 15, 2009