McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal — I'm Retching!

McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal — I'm Retching!

McDonald's -- your brainwashing won't work on me!

"Doesn't the 'Fruit' in McDonald's 'Fruit and Maple Oatmeal' imply more than one fruit?" I mused, desperately searching for something besides the apple dice that I was finding in the murky mess. The picture on the poster outside had promised both brown and yellow raisins.

McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal — I'm Retching!

McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal is none too appetizing as it sits, swamp-like, in its shorty cup.

I'd watched as the cashier had prepared my penurious breakfast by pouring hot water from the coffee machine into a cup that looks like it was designed to hold only half a cup of joe. She peered into the cup and stirred hesitatingly, as if she didn't really know how to make instant oatmeal.

I'd forced myself to order the 290-calorie Fruit and Maple Oatmeal ($1.99) even though it was advertised on the menu board next to a gleaming picture of the Big Breakfast With Hot Cakes, which consisted of three pancakes, scrambled eggs, biscuit, sausage, and deep-fried hash browns, and weighed in at 1,350 calories ($4.65). The Big Breakfast had looked so much more appealing.

The oatmeal sat dull and gray in the cup, with a consistency more liquid than it should have been. Here and there a bit of green or red apple skin glinted, but it did little to dispel the idea that I was about to eat something emptied from the sink trap.

McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal — I'm Retching!

The consistency doesn't improve much as it sits, and the whole thing could use a little milk. Wait! Then it wouldn't be vegan.


Don't get me wrong, the oatmeal didn't taste bad -- but it didn't taste good, either. The grains themselves, reduced to pieces the size of a sesame seed, had no flavor, but I could taste something vaguely like brown sugar. Yes, there was a slight artificial maple flavor, but it wasn't as annoying as it often is in commercial waffle mix.

I dutifully spooned up the gray goo, every bit of it, patting myself on the back for only eating 290 breakfast calories. On the other hand, I often make oatmeal at home, then sluice it with maple syrup and a bit of milk. My oatmeal tastes a million times better. I started to feel a little nauseated as I climbed on my bike for the pedal home.

McDonald's Fruit and Maple Oatmeal — I'm Retching!

And where the hell are my raisins?

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